Saturday Symphony - Preparing

 Prepare Ye The Way Of The Lord

Seven words. As sung in the ever-brilliant "Godspell" - John the Baptist is calling to the eventual followers of Christ that it's time to prepare for His arrival.

And to prepare for John to baptize Jesus.

A man who lived in the desert, ate honey and locust, and was a pre-Christ figure to many who were starting to look for another way, a different way, to follow God. A prophet who had his own following yet knew someone else was coming far greater than him.

As this weekend is the Feast of the Baptism of Our Lord, what better way to honor our Savior than to ... prepare for him.

How do we do that? How did THEY do that?

Prepare for the arrival of a man who would change the world in just three short years of ministry. For a man who preached that he would allow himself to be killed in order to save humanity.

Just how does humanity prepare a way for THAT?!

We - pray.

For God to open the eyes of our hearts.* To enter into our hearts and make a home there.

I want God to live in my heart all the time. To dwell there, finding a place of comfort and luxury. I want God to feel welcome in my heart - to put his feet up in front of a warm fire, cozy with a hot cup of coffee, in his pajamas, cradling a favorite book. I want him to enter my emotional center as a BFF - comfortable, ready to say what needs to be said.

I want to accept those words from my Lord, to hear them truly and clearly - to make plenty of room for him so that I can hunker down with him; knowing he is always there to help me ride out the storms of life or balance on the crest of peace & happiness.

I'm preparing the way for the Lord - in my heart, soul, and mind. Are you?

*St. Paul's Letter to the Ephesians, 1:18 - I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people...

Saturday Symphony

Ancient words 

Changing me

And changing you

We have come

With open hearts

Oh let the ancient words impart

This is my latest song obsession. First it must be said that I adore the work of Michael W. Smith. He always performs with a clarity & reverence that fills me. And when he's working with the poetry of "Ancient Words" by Lynn DeShazo, it's hard not to create a living, breathing testimony to the power of God's words.

Holy words long preserved

for our walk in this world,

They resound with God's own heart

Oh, let the Ancient words impart

Words of Life, words of Hope

Give us strength, help us cope

In this world, where e'er we roam

Ancient words will guide us home

Indeed - words given to men from the heart of God himself. 

My darling husband is a wonderful musician who lends his God-given talents to the Praise Band at our church. They performed this song a couple of months ago, so it was on heavy play in our home as he rehearsed his part. 

I find myself singing the song in my head sometimes - like the beautiful prayer it is.

The Awful Grace of God

He who learns must suffer.

And even in our sleep

pain that cannot forget

falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair,

against our will,

comes wisdom to us

by the awful grace of God*.

- Aeschylus

Suffering.

Possibly one of the greatest debates against the existence of a loving God. How could a God who loves us allow us to suffer? How can He allow us to have free will so we can hurt each other?

Aeschylus is suggested to be the first to write about tragedies - Greek tragedies to be precise. Not much survives of his writings and those all focus on a particular kind of suffering...war, death, and grief. And all the stopping points before, in-between, and after.

Which pretty much covers the gamut of the human experience. Bringing us to a question - if Aeschylus is correct, must we suffer in order to learn?

What is to be learned by betrayal, death, violence, abuse, and so on...?

From the human perspective...perhaps we close our hearts & minds to the outside world so we may navigate our emotional state in the midst of our suffering. We rant, scream, cry, get angry, etc...and what does it yield us? Crying is perhaps the only thing that, in the immediate aftermath, leaves us feeling at least somewhat sated and calm.

Until the next wave crashes over us. And the cycle begins again. The seemingly endless circle of sadness, anger, sadness, anger. Eventually we may exhaust ourselves - and our suffering - but at great cost to ourselves. 

From God's perspective...come to me my child, and I will give you rest & solace. Draw closer to me my beloved and enter into a state of grace.

God's perspective sounds so much simpler than the human one, doesn't it? 

Yet as humans how many times do we take that long walk down that spiral of emotions rather than place them at the foot of The Cross, at the feet of God himself?

I know my answer is - hardly ever. I have to be falling apart at the seams, barely able to stand, my heart crying louder than my own voice - for me to even think of approaching the Throne of Grace for comfort.

And yet, when I do, in those moments the purity of God's love for me is palpable, like a hummingbird hovering right next to my ear. The air around me literally vibrates from the pulsing of God's love settling on me. And in that moment of blisteringly white peace...I swear God's breathing becomes my breathing.

He lays me down on a fluffy pillow of faith and stays with me until my heart is calm, my mind is clear.

The only thing that remains - is God. 

*IMO, Aeschylus isn't referring to God's grace as awful - a negative thing - but rather overwhelming one's self in the presence of God. 

I credit another dear friend for the poem from Aeschylus, which inspired this post.

To Love One Another

So...it's been a long while. Too long. I have let life interfere with some of the things I love - like writing. It's time to re-focus my energies away from things like social media & TV and back to what matters to my heart & soul. Writing. Photography. Faith.

While I cannot claim the following as my own it has inspired me to get back to it. It's from a homily whose writer has graciously allowed me to share it. With this beautiful writing I expect to dig deeper in 2022 and share more with you about my own Coffee Talk with Christ.

The writer shares that they have several nativity sets; and between all of them there might be one set in good condition. Damage wrought over years of use, decades of inheritance - but shared nonetheless because it is the time of year to display these beautiful scenes of a future we can't conceive of. So our writer continues from the POV that their collective nativities are a bit raw - "unspeakable" is one word used - and we get:

“You know what? I think my nativity is actually perfect. Because who of us is not broken? I mean, we are all broken in some way and Jesus came because of it - and in spite of it. Isn’t that just a miracle?” 

Isn't that just a miracle? Let's think about that for a moment. 

Christ came to this earth and his ministry changed the world. He taught that revenge can be replaced with reconciliation and forgiveness. Fear and judgment with compassion and grace. Hate with love.

Reconciliation, forgiveness, compassion, grace, love. 

All brought forth to nurture humankind and heal the brokenness in humanity.

And you know what? I think it is right to put out all of my nativity sets. We don’t need just one version of the nativity…we need all of it - the paper, the glass, and the wood, the young and the old, the big and the small.

Mary, bringing the light of Christ to the world even in the coarsest of circumstances.
We can do this

Joseph, standing by Mary and acting as teacher and parent to his young child.
We can do this

Shepherds, coming to revere and worship while also tending to their work.
We can do this

Angels, to sing praise
We can do this

Wise Men, bringing gifts 

Don’t we all have gifts to offer?
We can do this

And what of the Christ Child…? 

What is our call? What does he ask of us?

We can do this

To love one another. As Christ loves us.

Epiphany

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him?

-epistle of st james 2:5

I know, it's not the actual time of The Epiphany. But I did have an epiphany during Mass last night. The above is the second reading from the New Testament for this weekend. The origin of the Epistle of St. James is hotly debated. From who wrote it to when it was written. 

Whoever wrote it was inspired of God - the details are just the human need to "know". (And I am known, at home, as the "need to know it girl".) And the writer certainly wanted to make sure that the post-apostolic Christians knew what was moral and right.

Anyway...

Last night, as our Lector read this verse, I was literally, physically startled in my seat by its meaning in my life. This one simple verse contains part of a pathway to peace.

When God, Jesus, or the many disciples who appear in the Bible say the word "poor" - they don't just mean the poor in the physical sense.

They also mean the poor in spirit. As Christ said in The Beatitudes: 

"Blessed are they who are poor in spirit, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs."

My life - has not been an easy one. My childhood is the stuff of seriously bad dreams; and even my early adulthood was not free from the abuses of my younger years. They just changed shape. Morphed into something even more insidious.

I've spent the better part of the last 6 years trying to process my way thru all of it. I'm a slow learner sometimes; and the truth of my childhood was hidden beneath many layers of protection put into place by me so I could survive.

Those survival skills kept me OK but left me in a constant state of fight-or-flight - I never felt safe. After over 40 years of mere survival - it's no surprise that it all crashed down on me in one spectacular breakdown.

And I've been on the healing path ever since. It's a long, and sometimes lonely, journey. And despite all that - one of the best walks upon which I've ever set my feet.

Then last night - in a moment of God-given perfection and grace - indeed even mercy - came a simple verse from a likely-unknown disciple:

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world  to be rich in faith...

I have steadfastly refused to ask the classic "why me" question. There is no answer, it doesn't do anyone any good, and in the end it comes from a point of ego rather than healing. Because implied is "why me and not someone else".

And here in this verse is the answer to the question I don't ask - because God chose me.

Sounds pretty - dramatic - doesn't it? And rather unfair of God to choose me for over 20 years of abuse, torment, and pain. Yet...

Eleven years ago God called me out - literally - in a moment of spiritual grace that still takes my breath away. In that moment, God called me home. Home to a faith I didn't know I needed, home to a faith I didn't know I'd ever want. A closeness to God began that day - and continues to grow each day.

God chose me. He looked down on me in that moment 11 years ago - alone, in pain, in an unexpected place - and delivered me from myself.

That was the tiny seed of the start of my faith journey. And it brought me to a place 5 years later where I could, finally, begin to heal from what started it all in the first place.

God will deliver you. As I've said before, it's in HIS time, not ours. And it will come.

You just need to have - faith.

A Testament of Hope

It would be the easy thing, and to an extent the lazy, comfortable thing, to leave this troubled, scandalous, maddening (Catholic) church, but to stay is to consent to suffer along with the Body of Christ, for the sake of every sinner within and without, and in reparation for the sinned against. To share in the burden of the church, rather than run from it in shame or fear is to assist in its continual re-creation, and to be a testament of hope to eventual glory.

-Elizabeth Scalia aka The Anchoress

Shortly after my post last weekend Ms. Scalia posted the above on her Facebook page. I have followed her for many years now. She is a fantastic writer and Catholic apologist.

Her words resonated deeply for me. A reminder that any church is only as strong as its membership. A reminder that, as a Christian, I live in hope. 

And now I retreat again to the deserted place for prayer and thanksgiving,

Pray Ceaselessly

What would Jesus do?

That's the old saying isn't it. When in doubt...When in crisis...When angry...WWJD?

I know my Savior would tell me to pray on it. Go to a deserted place - free from the distractions of our crazy times and over-burdened lives - and pray.

The apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught. He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place. -the gospel of mark, chapter 6

And if I don't know what I need to pray for I should just ask God to open my mind and heart to his voice, his word, his love.

Intellectually we, the faithful, know this. 

Reality can be so very different.

My Diocese just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It's the classic method for restructuring, selling assets, etc...in this case all for one reason.

To finally, after too many years, settle 60 lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of minor boys at the hands of priests who ran a residential school for boys. All the victims were teenage boys who lived at this particular school due to issues stemming from physical and sexual abuse in their homes (biological and/or foster) that lead to behavior issues and drug use. Specifically 2 priests abused these already-vulnerable boys between 1986-2000.

Fourteen years of abuse - in a place where these boys should have found safety and comfort to recover from the abuses they already suffered.  Both of the priests have since died; and our current Bishop relieved them of their priestly duties as soon as the first complaint came to his attention in 2004. (It relieves me to a degree I can't express that our current Bishop was NOT "on duty" when the abuses actually took place. To the contrary, he acted appropriately as soon as he was made aware - less than a year after he took the office.)

We are not alone in this country on this subject. Far from it; from the link above:

...[Bishop] Cote said the Norwich diocese is the 31st and most recent Catholic organization to seek bankruptcy protection.  He said three of the bankruptcies were filed by religious orders and 28 by dioceses or archdioceses.

As of May, [a total of] 19 of the earliest bankruptcies have concluded with a successful reorganization and 11 of the more recently filed reorganizations are pending, Cote said...

So you must be asking yourself - what is my issue here? This bankruptcy filing should ensure that the victims (I'd rather say "survivors") receive an equitable settlement. In fact, they all have to agree to what the courts propose so they will be active participants in the entire process.

The over-arching issue in this - the sexual abuse - is far too close to my own world. I am one of those survivors, victimized at the hands of a person who should have kept me safe from harm. One of the most important people in my young life, this individual betrayed me at a fundamental level. And at a pre-pubescent age, a time when it was all too easy for my young self to bury this knowledge so deep that it wouldn't surface until I was in my early 50s.

Yeah. Recalled memories is a thing - and it is so painful, so brutal, that it leaves a person wishing for death. 

My heart tears apart each time I read about the sexual abuse of a minor child. Particularly at the hands of a priest - since who else should be expected to keep children safe from harm than their own priest?! A similar figure in life to my own abuser.

And in this Chapter 11 filing by my Diocese I am left with a huge question that will likely go unanswered.

WHY do we have to file like this? Where the hell is the Vatican in all this? 

I am a Catholic and I love my faith. However, I do not have much respect for the Vatican with it's endless layers of bureaucracy and self-protection. The wealthiest city/state in the world, the largest organization in the world, and they do nothing to help their own.

The responsibility for the lawsuits that result from the sexual abuse of children by a priest (or other religious) should NOT be the responsibility of the local church or diocese. The Vatican should pay for all of it since it is their rules that were followed - rules that allowed these monsters to be transferred to other churches or facilities so they could continue their depraved indifference to life without consequence.

My friends, I am teetering on the precipice of a loss of faith. I do love my faith - the corporal worship and my parish family - and I do not love the men who are at the top of the organization aka The Vatican. In fact I despise all of them with the fire of a thousand suns. Including Pope Francis.

And I know this is not what my Savior wants from me. I go to the deserted place, I pray for my heart to be opened, and I try to listen. I do try.

And on this issue right now, I fail miserably. I feel powerless in this - and as a survivor of sexual abuse it is the worst feeling in the world. Because as a victim I was powerless to stop what happened to me. Just as those young men were powerless to stop what those priests did to them. 

And here I am. Filled with so much anger that it threatens to consume me. No power to effect change. Oh I will do what I've done before - write letters. To our Bishop, to offer my prayers and support; and my thanks for his efforts to do the right thing, finally, for those men. To the Vatican, to express my outrage at them and their self-importance in the face of the potential dissolution of their own organization.

I will write the letters and send them. And I will pray when I do. All the while knowing that no amount of letters will make one damn bit of difference.

I do have the power to pray and I do that everyday. Sometimes my prayers are ceaseless, running constantly in the back of my mind. I never tire of praying, and I suppose that is what Jesus wants me to do.

Pray without ceasing.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 thessalonians 5

And when you think you just can't pray any longer - dig deep and continue. Amen.