Surrender

Full surrender to God.

This just isn't the human ego's way of dealing with things, is it. It ... chafes. Goes against the grain. Feels wrong.

Yet when we do that, even for a moment, we find the release we didn't know we needed. Sure, it might still chafe a bit. Giving up control never feels particularly smooth. And God is still there - in the midst of our resistance, He is still guiding us. Holding our hand. Leading us to the still waters our spirits need.

Our egos need.

"We all are men, in our own natures frail, and capable of our flesh; few are angels." William Shakespeare (from Henry VIII)

Possibly the greatest human writer of all time. Somehow Shakespeare's connection to the human spirit and all its vagaries remains, some 400+ years later, as accurate as it was in the original moment.

"...in our own natures frail..."

Indeed Mr. Shakespeare. Aren't we JUST that - frail. Our very natures are unstable, fraught with contradictions and the imposition of our own will.

Not God's will. But our own.

Because we know best, right? We know ourselves and what we need or want better than anyone. Better than our spouse, friends, parents, siblings...

And we know, as Christians, in our hearts this is not true.

The only one who knows us better than we know ourselves is God. And His knowing may rub us the wrong way, might get annoying, even frustrate us.

And we also know that, when we surrender to that greater knowing, life simplifies. We gain clarity if we open our hearts to God and what He wants for us.

Because in the end, when the day closes and we say our final prayer before sleep overcomes us, what God wants for us and shows us - is always good. Even if we can't see it right away.

God is good...all the time.

Mine

There is something soothing in the knowledge that we can turn to God whenever we want. Whether taking a long walk, sitting in the quiet of our home, or even in the bathroom at work - don't ask me how I know :-). 

God is always there. Wanting to hear from us. No matter what our physical circumstances are, God is waiting for us to reach out to him.

Whether it's in fear, sadness, or joy - we are never alone when we put our trust in God.

Bondage

When we see that word - bondage - it's likely we automatically think of slavery. A stain on any society that kept slaves. And while the word does usually mean being kept in chattel slavery, there is another meaning:

servitude or subjugation to a controlling person or force

It is this lesser-known meaning I've been praying on this past week. Particularly the "force" emphasized.

What could this force be? In the context of my own prayers it represents a spiritual attack on my well-being. I hesitate to say this as I'm not one to go this dramatic within my faith but...

satan

There. I said it.

The evil one. Lucifer. Beelzebub. The Dark Lord. Mephistopheles. The Beast.

So many names for one creature. 

I have come to see, incredibly recently, that I have been under spiritual attack by The Dark Lord. Intent on keeping me servile, it has tied me to the hatred that I bonded to within my own family.

Most everything they did was only for their own benefit. Self-aggrandizement. Charity did not begin at home unless someone could take credit for it. How very - un-Christian. And of course I've already shared what that meant in my family.

Their Christian virtues were irrevocably tied up in hatred. They weren't pro-Christadelphian, they were anti-Catholic (anti any Christian practice really). My mother was anti-<insert ethnicity here>. My father was the same. Equal opportunity bigots.

They hated pretty much anyone who didn't march to their particular drum. And that included people within the family as much as without. Since they weren't very loving, as a child we had no choice but to bond to what they offered.

And so here I am - bonded to their hatred. 

And given a gift without price. An epiphany delivered at Mass last weekend by none other than Holy Mary, Mother of God.

{Now to clarify things for the non-Catholics in the crowd - we do not worship Holy Mary. She is a Saint, not a God-replacement. She is venerated as all Saints are; we pray to her for her intercession on our behalf to Jesus, thru whom we pray to God. That's all. She is very important to the Catholic faith - as she should be to all Christian faiths.}

Back to Holy Mary's gift. In a quiet moment of communal & introspective prayer I found myself praying for my father. For the first time in nearly a decade I spoke his name in prayer in a positive way - and asked for the strength to learn how to forgive him.

Trust me - his sins against his daughter are great indeed. The worst sin a parent can commit on their child. In fact those sins really are among the unforgivable.

And yet, here I am. For the first time in my life recognizing that the kind of forgiveness I need to give him will release me.

Just me. Only me.

In a moment of pure clarity, Holy Mary showed me the chains that tie me to him. The connection that keeps me subjugated to him. To his hate. Literal chains leading to this man who wounded me so deeply I never thought I'd recover from the memories of it.

It was - literally a godsend of coherence in a mind that was anything but.

With this magnificent and quite holy offering, I have finally stepped on a path I haven't really seen for my entire life. The incredible understanding of this kind of forgiveness.

How liberating it will be. Oh yes, Holy Mary showed me that too.

After talking about it endlessly - annoyingly even - my journey in faith has taken on another facet. One that I know will bring me closer to that goal of all goals...

...peace.

Amen.

New

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. 

-anne shirley, aka Anne of Green Gables

One of my favorite books and favorite characters of all time. Anne gets herself into - and out of - some serious scrapes during her life. She is amusing, smart, and kind. We should all endeavour to be like Anne. Even if sometimes we question her decision-making.

And she is right of course - every day dawns anew. A fresh sunrise to mark the start of the day. A new set of tasks or activities.

Buddha tells us:

Sunrise over the Presidential Mountain Range in N.H.

Indeed. Today is its own day. Our attitude upon the start of each day will dictate how that day will unfold.

Do we enter each day with a grateful heart? Or do we - as I have done this past week - enter the day with an out-of-sorts mind and grumpy heart.

Yes, I've worn my grumpy pants everyday this week. In truth it was a hard week.

The pace at work is relentless. Each passing month gets more fraught with tension and an endless list of stuff that needs to be done.

And done yesterday, if you can manage it. Thankyouverymuch.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. Everyone around me at the office is dealing with their own stress and the ridiculous demands placed upon each of us by an ever-changing landscape.

Ten years ago - you could work 2 years on a major project, deliver a stunning achievement, and bask in the glory of it all for at least 90 days.

Today? You get 2 months for that same level project, deliver the same stunning achievement. And when you do - everyone is already looking for the next big thing.

On one hand, it does suggest that employment is secure with a never-ending list of priorities, strategies, and deliverables that stretch out for years.

On the other hand, all of it leads to a chronically stressed workforce where common courtesies and respect have given way to workload and a self-centeredness that borders on narcissism among some.

Starting every day with gratitude - knowing what is coming during that day - is sometimes an act of courage.

Why not just acknowledge the hopelessness of ever getting ahead or even being able to celebrate an accomplishment. Trudge thru each day and end it - grateful that it's over.

But that's not what God wants for us, is it?

No. He wants us to be happy. To enjoy this one life that we all get. It is his particular joy to take on our burdens so why don't we give them to him before we put one foot on the floor?

He tells us in Lamentations that this is exactly what he wants us to do:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” -lamentations 3:22-24

It is here - in hope thru God - that we can find our gratitude. He is the reason we have breath in our lungs, sunshine in the sky, and earth under our feet.

Be like Anne Shirley - and treat every day as if it is brand new with no mistakes, no demands.

Save one - enter it with gratitude for God and the abundance of gifts he offers us each day.

Circles

Here is a gorgeous morning prayer to start your days:

Dear God,

Thank you for granting me a new day.

Please forgive my mistakes and calm my mind.

Keep me safe today and fill my heart with peace.

May this day bring new joy and opportunities.

God, I love you.

Amen.

Oh yes indeed. This one hits - deep.

Talk about peaceful - one of the naves of the Hallgrimskirkja Cathedral in Iceland.

The safety part - that is a critical part of every day for me. I didn't feel safe, in general, for much of my life. In every way possible - physical, emotional, mind, heart, soul. Once I turned back to God - and every time I increase my prayer life - safety is the peace I feel.

Because to me - safety & peace are the same thing. To feel one is to feel the other.

Prayer always calms my mind. It almost feels redundant to pray and ask for calm. Yet - the calmness that descends when we pray does bring more calm to every area of our lives.

Funny how that works. God wants us to be close to him. The most everlasting peace we can hope for comes from him.

So praying - brings peace & calm to us for those moments. When we center our thoughts on God and let everything else fall away.

And the results of the prayer - bring more peace & calm.

What a lovely, never-ending circle of life.

Blessings

As 2024 comes to a close, I share this prayer with you. From my own beloved parish to your home.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Holy Father, on this final morning of 2024, we bow before you with hearts overflowing with gratitude. From the first day of January to this last day of December, your hand has sustained us, your grace has covered us, and your mercy has kept us. Thank You for the gift of life, the breath in our lungs, and the strength to stand in this moment.

Lord, we do not take this journey for granted. Through the storms and the sunshine, you have been our refuge. In times of joy and in moments of trial, you never left our side. Thank you for victories seen and unseen, for the battles you fought on our behalf, and for the peace you placed in our hearts.

As we close the chapter of 2024, we release every burden, every regret, and every fear. We step into the threshold of 2025 with hope and expectation. Father, let the new year come with blessings that overflow, favour that cannot be denied, and an anointing for greatness. May your hand be heavily upon us, guiding, protecting, and lifting us to higher ground.

We declare that 2025 will be a year of divine alignment, a year where we walk in purpose, where doors open at the sound of your voice, and where opportunities chase after us. Crown the new year with goodness, and let abundance follow us in every season.

Holy Spirit, go before us. Let your presence saturate 2025. Anoint our heads with oil, and may our cups run over with joy, peace, and prosperity. We shall not lack, and no harm shall befall us. May your favour rest upon our families, our homes, and everything our hands touch. Amen.

THE LORD BE WITH YOU;

AND WITH YOUR SPIRIT.

May the Almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen

*: image is of the plaza in front of the magnificent Hallgrímskirkja Cathedral in Reykjavik, Iceland.

Anchor

Anchor - let's define that word to start.

noun - a heavy object attached to a rope or chain and used to moor a vessel to the sea bottom, typically one having a metal shank with a ring at one end for the rope and a pair of curved and/or barbed flukes at the other.

verb - moor (a ship) to the sea bottom with an anchor.

To be specific for our purposes here - to be kept in place with no ability to drift. We are allowed movement in all directions but only from that single point of contact with the solid bottom.

The bedrock as it where. The foundation.

That movement is our free will. We all have choices we make every single day. Some don't allow that movement as we remain close to God. Some allow us to spin in endless circles as we chase our tails.

That is the human-ness in us. We are always a dichotomy. 

We want that closeness, that guidance that comes from God thru Jesus Christ. Yet sometimes we insist on taking things into our own hands - and we all know the results are rarely safe and don't usually allow us that solid anchoring. In fact, some of our choices totally unmoor us, setting us adrift in a sea of confusion and, if we are being honest, torment.

And when we finally give in and turn to God - the anchor is restored thru Jesus Christ. His sacrifice for us is that point, that weight that keeps us in place. We still have free will of course and we will, inevitably, turn to ourselves rather than to God. And back again.

The beauty part of this is that no matter how far we spin or drift from his anchor, Jesus will take us back; God will take us back. Because that kind of love is divine and just can't help itself.

The love of Christ and the love of God - want us as close to them as possible.

Not as humanly possible, but only in the possibilities that God offers.

Which are - endless comfort, endless boundless love.

*: the image above is at Reynisfjara Beach in Iceland; an example of the basalt columns & caves that are unique to Iceland.

God's Restoration

I am feeling sad.

It's a great weight that has settled on me.

The pain & suffering of another has brought me to this place. And I pray for them, as I pray for myself during this temporary period of darkness.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  

-psalm 34:17&18

Indeed, he does. In the midst of my own sadness & worry - I am doing my best to turn it over to God for him to take it away from my friend.

She is making incredibly difficult decisions in response to bad news. She is full of grace and is showing tremendous courage.

I believe God will hear her and heal her.

He must.

Because God is great & good.

Kindness

Kindness.

It is the simplest of things yet so many people just can't be bothered. Every interaction we have, big or small, long-term or fleeting - can be permanently marked by how we treat another person.

Since 2022 I have been quietly living my own "Year of Kindness". Trying to do my part to be kind even to those who may not deserve it.

Because, as the saying goes, we are all struggling with something.

This is, however, not to say that we should present ourselves as doormats. No indeed - even Jesus flipped tables when he saw epic wrongs.

This reappeared in a social media feed today - and I thought it was a good time to remind us all that being kind - is the simplest of gestures.

As Christians, it is an opportunity to let Christ shine out of our hearts - letting his light flow. I believe it is the unexpected kindness we gift to someone - all year long - that is our best way of showing people the goodness and mercy of God.

Joy

Joy - now that word has gotten a bit of a bum rap lately. So let's take it back to basics with a simple definition:

a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

See also - delight, jubilation, triumph, exultation, exuberance, glee...and so on. You get the picture.

Just one more - rejoice.

Now that one - hits today. As this is the third Sunday in Advent, it is also Gaudete Sunday...based on New Testament Scripture. For example:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice. Let your forbearance be known to all, for the Lord is near at hand; have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. - Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord...always.

As mere humans just how do we do that? This can be a rough time of year for people - I know it is for me.

The Holiday Blues are a real thing and they have settled on me like a lead weight.

We all have much to be grateful for; so many blessings if we only stop and let those settle on us.

Air in our lungs. Blue skies. Raindrops. Breezes. Sunrise. Sunset. Beautiful birds. A home. 

Whatever our circumstances those are but a tiny fraction of the blessings we experience daily. Yet...when the sorrows of life surface and descend, how do we find God in those saddest of moments?

(In a fit of cleaning & decluttering recently I unearthed an old Advent devotional from 2014 and it has captured me fully.) According to the Christian author and Vatican Prelate, Robert F. Morneau, in this newly discovered book - "Waiting in Joyful Hope": 

"Despite the slings and arrows of life, God's abiding presence makes visible a joy-filled disposition."

And what can we do to recognize this abiding presence?

Simple.

Prayer.

And I mean that literally - simple prayer. Formal prayers are very nice. They are liturgically "correct", however much that might mean to each of us. 

As Fr. Morneau suggests:

"Prayer is communion and communication with God. In this dialogue we experience a "mutual presence" and share our common joys and sorrows."

He goes on to say that if we... 

"...never cease praying, we enter a frame of mind by which we refer all our thoughts and actions to the indwelling presence of God. ... All is gift; all is grace."

Ceaseless prayer isn't about the form of the prayer. In truth, I believe there are no rules about our prayers, not really. God wants us near to him and we can only achieve that thru prayer.

As I am haunted by all the "what could have beens" and "what should have beens" at this time of year, I need to remember that my joy is found within prayer to God.

He is always there, even if my prayers rant & rave about all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" of life. And this requires a suspension of ego, the acknowledgment that God is in charge.

Not me. Never have been; never will be.

And if you really think about it, there is a freedom in taking that to your heart. To admit that we humans mess things up, that we suffer the "slings & arrows of life" as part of that human experience.

And God is there - always - waiting to take on those sorrows, those burdens, so we can experience his indwelling...

...and feel the true Joy of the season.

Amen.

Footnote: I love that a Vatican Prelate uses a partial quote from Shakespeare - and Hamlet, no less - to bring home our human-ness:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.

As is always the case with Shakespeare, there is so much to unpack there. To place it squarely in the midst of a charge to pray ceaselessly, is simple brilliant.

Rebellion

As mentioned about 12 weeks ago I am embarking on writing my "memoirs". Which sounds so arrogant as to be laughable.

Yet, here we are. Me writing it all down, you reading it. 

It's been slow going. Some of that is just the demands of daily life. Some of the slowness is my own procrastination. I want to do this yet the recall of my life, putting "pen to paper", is not the happiest of experiences.

In fact...it is quite painful. And yet I still feel that call from God to do this. And so I pray and continue to dig in.

Our Warrior

Do you ever get tired of the daily grind? The endless demands on your time & energy. Whether that be at work, at home, or elsewhere in your life. Don't you want to set those burdens down?

Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

Well - guess what. We have the most powerful warrior the universe will ever know...walking right by our side, just waiting for us to turn to him and say...

Lord, please help me.

Or some variation of the same.

Don't be shy about it. Shout it out if you need to. Yell, scream, holler - or whisper it so that your words are almost silent. Just a faint breath on the breeze.

God won't think you are angry with him. And no matter how softly (or loudly) you say it - he will hear you. He always does.

He already knows you are overburdened, worn out, your insides mush from being wrung dry on a daily basis. All he wants from us is to turn to him in times of trouble. (Or happiness - to be thankful for the abundance.)

Even if those burdens don't magically disappear - the demanding boss, the financial concerns, the trials of life - giving them to God always feels good.

Because he is our Warrior. 

Strength

Strength - I has it.

And it doesn't come from within me.

God is definitely real. There is no way I have gotten thru the past two chaotic, messy months without someone steering my ship. I certainly don't have the ability to do this on my own.

While I do like to compartmentalize my experiences into easily digested chunks - the truth is we don't get thru our daily lives without God walking with us. Without his encouragement - even when we aren't listening to him.

And that is, to me, the best part. God is with us - even when we patently ignore him. He stays by our sides when we dismiss his quiet messages. Or even when he hits us with a 2x4 on the head.

He never leaves us. We are never alone. And even more - his love for us never fails. 

God's love is the true unconditional love. No matter who should give it to us - God will always give his love to us.

Peace (with a little joy thrown in)

Here we are - another week coming to a close. And another wild one it has been. Work continues to confound with the pace. It increases with every passing month. I wonder - is it me? I'm 3 years away from retirement...at least that is the plan. Lately I've been thinking about ducking out a bit earlier than that.

I just don't want to leave hubby having to toil in corporate america without me by his side on our daily commute together. We have done that for over 30 years and it has been such a blessing to us both. We have that guaranteed time in the car to be with each other without interruptions. Many times we have talked through issues, plans, work annoyances. And equally many we have just held hands and sat in the silence.

Truly a deep blessing. So I'm not sure I could consign him to doing that drive alone. But we shall see what happens in the coming year. I need a couple of major surgeries and a minor procedure. Nothing serious and it's all for the good.  And I'm pondering when I engage my doctors to get them scheduled.

The house renovation is finally come to a close. Nearly 8 weeks of disruption, mess, chaos, more mess, more chaos. By this coming Tuesday all the paraphernalia that accompanies such projects - huge dumpsters, POD storage boxes, etc...will be gone from the property. We have, of course, much work to do inside as we unpack and basically move back into half of our home. And after these past 8 weeks, that will just be fun.

So we are here today - sitting in the quiet of my brand new kitchen - seeing the sun come streaming thru the last of the autumn leaves. Beautiful colors of gold, red, russet, mahogany and - yes - even a bit of green yet to change. The wind is a bit brisk so I suspect this is "peak" weekend in New England. Those leaves will start falling at a quicker pace daily.

And the peace that I feel - from the abundance God showed me a few weeks ago, to working thru the vulnerabilities of the past 8 weeks, to this glorious autumn morning. A peace that truly transcends everything. And dare I say it - a bit of joy as well.

Joy because the chaos is finally over. Joy because this renovation is far more beautiful than we could imagine. Joy at seeing a 7 year long dream & plan come to fruition. Joy at having the wherewithal to embark on this dream.

Peace because...well God is by our sides always, isn't he? Guiding us, showing us the way. 

Always turning to God, thru is son, our wonderful savior Jesus Christ, definitely gives us peace. Maybe things don't always go the way we think they should. But we are not in control here, are we.

No we are not.

That is our struggle as human beings. To give control to God thru constant prayer. And beyond that, listening - really listening - to God's voice in our daily lives. His messages are never-ending if we only open up to hearing them.

Because real peace - the kind that I am feeling in this moment - can only come from the blessings of God.

More Abundance

 

It is the most glorious time of year in New England. That special crisp air that has a tang you smell at no other time. The breezes that shower you with the glorious colors of the changing leaves.

Autumn - is finally here. My favorite season.

It's chilly - even with a 70 degree sun the breeze keeps the air cool. You need a cozy sweatshirt to sit out on the deck.

Which is what I am doing right now. Old sweatpants, a worn out t-shirt that is 3 sizes too big and a soft hooded sweatshirt that is soothing & comforting to wear.

Thanking God with each breath in a silent prayer. For the beauty of a fall day, for the Zinnias that keep blooming, for the Moonflowers that are still curled up tight. For our precious birdies - the ones who are here all year round, who give us comfort & solace on even the rainiest day (which will be tomorrow).

I've been feeling vulnerable this past week. A huge house renovation will be complete in about 10 days. It's been a long 6 weeks of chaos and whole-house uproar. This past week has been brutal at work and completely upended at home. Everyday there is someone in the house working on something. It's wonderful - and unnerving - at the same time.

And while it's all good and the people are lovely - it's left me feeling a bit unsafe in my own home.

So today I sit on our deck, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind, hear the birds chirping and I know deep within my soul that God is keeping watch over me. 

As he always does.

Abundance

"Happiness can be found in the darkest of places. All you need to do is turn on the light." 

-Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

Sunrise from the summit of Mt. Washington, NH

Who knew that peace could be found in words from the legendary Harry Potter ( and from my personal favorite in the series, Prisoner of Azbakan).

Last night, just before Mass began, God turned a light on me and within me in a moment of pure poetry.

With the late afternoon sun beginning to set behind me, God shone a light thru the stained glass windows in the front of the church.

A direction from which no light should shine at that time of night. And yet there it was - a beautiful stream of angelic white light.

And a word whispered into my ear - so faint I had to ask for a repeat - "abundance".

Abundance.

In the midst of years of struggles, emotional pain, betrayals, and general life messiness - this single word has transformed me.

It will need time to settle on me fully -  yet in those 3 simple syllables I find myself turning towards that light. Instead of shunning it - I embrace it.

Hubby and I are starting to plan our graceful exit from the challenges of corporate america. Three short years and we will, with God's will, move onto the next phase of our lives.

It is not missed by me that this message from God serves as a reminder of all that has passed - and all that is yet to be.

While I have had a life marked by abuse until my 20s, then health struggles through my 30s & 40s, then the emotional upheaval in my 50s that is tied directly to the abuses of my past.

And here I am, 61 years old, and finally - FINALLY - I have reached that moment when "abundance" defines the happiness and blessings in my life.

Just a few short years ago it could have defined the abundant horrors & nightmares.

Now ... I feel like it's the right time for me to embrace God's message and really focus on the manifest blessings - and only those.

And because it's Sunday you get a twofer - my Sunday Symphony below was the Presentation of the Gifts song at Mass last night.

I fall on my knees to the father of Jesus,
The Lord who has shown us the glory of God.

May he in his love give us strength for our living
The strength of his spirit the glory of God.

May Christ find a dwelling place of faith in our hearts.
May our lives be rooted in love, rooted in love.

Rooted in love - indeed.

Rooted in abundance & blessings.

Spotlight

As I continue to consider putting pen to paper about my faith journey I am butting up against some seriously dark places along the way.

The journey I took started with one of the most disastrous moments in my adult life, taking me on an unwelcome whirlwind into deep forests of fear and pain.

And on the other side of all that - came God. Shining thru like a beacon, like the supreme being he always was and always will be.

Indeed. God's grace was always there as we are never alone. And his grace brings with it illumination into the dimmest reaches of our lives.

God's spotlight makes it impossible for the pain to hide in the shadows. And even better - that spotlight banishes the pain.

All you have to do it bend your knees - and ask.

I know I used this image last week. Hit me just as hard today as it did a week ago.

Contemplation

Something big has been on my heart for a long time now. I've approached it many times and each time was rebuffed by my own fear and trepidation. 

I have now dipped my toes into the vast ocean that is...my faith journey. Meaning putting it in writing. A memoir of sorts.

I don't pretend to be any sort of writer at all. Except that I do enjoy it and there can be healing in the action of writing down your own story. Even if it's only ever for yourself.

Yet there is this part of me that thinks - maybe my story can help someone else navigate theirs. 

Is that ego? Or hope? 

And so it is with my story. God is at the center of it - even though for two thirds of that time I was utterly unaware of his presence in any real way. God remained with me during the deepest, darkest times of a young life thru the darkest times of an adult life - and every weigh station in between.

I feel like I need to honor him by speaking my truths. Even if my voice shakes a bit.

Right now my thoughts are a jumble of what to write and where to put that bit of history in relation to the other bits. For now it's just isolated experiences. At some point I will need to combine them somehow, or at least that's what my research tells me.

My prayers - well right now I'm asking God to help me get it all out; we'll sort it out when the times comes. And yes, I mean "we" - God and me. With every chapter, paragraph, and word - my prayers will be ongoing for God's love & grace to guide me.

And so - without further preamble or excuses - I bare it all with the first few paragraphs of my faith history. 

On Being Christadelphian - Pt. 1

My faith history needs a bit of context. My mother grew up in the Congregational Church, my father was a Wesley Methodist. I remember being told they went to church every Sunday. I am not aware of their involvement beyond attending services.  After they got engaged, they met someone who introduced them to the Christadelphian branch of Christianity. Something clicked for them and together they took the necessary classes, converted, and were married in that faith. They even brought in my father’s parents after their wedding. My mother’s parents didn’t convert. Their reasons are lost to time.

Christadelphian - Brothers in Christ - are a special breed of Christian. In the most basic terms, they are a fundamentalist faith observing a strict interpretation of the Bible, which they believe is inspired by God rather than written by men. Their churches - ecclesias - are independent of each other, managed by a group of elected men - brothers - who handle everything from building maintenance to investments of donations. They reject the idea of a Trinity, they believe Jesus Christ, in his human form, was not divine, and they wait for that day when Christ returns to Earth to establish his Father’s Kingdom. They believe as strongly in the Old Testament as the New Testament. Believers call it “The Truth”. Salvation is thru reading scripture alone, or sola scriptura.

And they believe The Truth is for just them. No other Christian, or other form of faith except the Jews, will have the opportunity to inherit God's Kingdom. With regard to Judaism - as the favored people of God, they get a "free pass" from Christadelphians. Any other Christian faith will be found lacking on Judgement Day per Christadelphians. Because these other branches don't read the Bible to the strictest degree that Christadelphians do. Plus no other Bible study is good enough when compared to the Christadelphian Bible reading program, wherein you read the Old Testament once and the New Testament twice per calendar year.

The Christadelphian faith was founded in 1848 by a doctor from England. In small part this was in response to the Radical Reformation that began in the late 17th century, which was mostly about the rampant corruption in the Catholic Church. Which is so personally ironic given my current and happy home in the Catholic faith. This reformation would create several more now-mainstream Christian branches including Anabaptists (which includes Huetterites, Mennonites, and Amish). Some Christadelphians align themselves, at least in part, with Quakers.

It is a strict faith with unyielding rules and beliefs. Not unlike many others. However, Christadelphians believe in a vengeful God even while believing in a benevolent God who gave us our ultimate savior, Jesus Christ. There is also much hate and bigotry taught in Sunday School. That will become important later. Overall, as I look back on it with decades of distance, I can see how my earliest traumas were a result of this hateful, vengeful faith. My inevitable low self-esteem and sense of unworthiness can be traced, in part, to my activities with and belief in being Christadelphian.

Up Next: On Being Christadelphian, Pt 2 - A Family of Faith

Sunday Symphony

You alone are God
I am Yours and You're mine
And I know the Heavens will call out Your name
If I don't

I close my eyes and I drift away
To a place I remember, to a place I feel safe

Where it's alright and it's okay
'Coz I'm there in Your arms
Where it's alright and it's okay
'Coz I'm there in Your arms

A long-ago favorite. Resurfaced in my playlist this past week and it just - hit me, in all the feels. Things I've been talking about recently. Feeling safe in only a couple of places. Wanting to be closer to God yet resisting at the same time.

Knowing that God loves me no matter what. 

And the songwriters have it - it's alright in God's arms. Everything is alright when you are in God's arms.

Amen.

Carry Me

Just a simple yet, conversely, complicated disclosure about the state of my world at this moment.

It should say "...broke, again..."

I'm not praying anywhere near as much as I should. Truth is - how many of us do?

Conflict is so darn difficult to handle. Especially when it's within a family, coming up against an entrenched, holier-than-thou, thinks they are better than everyone else person. Who has been enabled in this behavior since they joined the family nearly 40 years ago. Excuses made at every turn. Because we don't want to "upset XXX". 

This burden has been upon me all these years. Well - not me alone but I've been the brunt of the bullying for about this long. God knows - truly - God knows how hard I've tried and for how long to make this thing at least be civil.

Jesus tells us:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus said to him, I say not to you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. - Matthew 18:21-22

I can do that math. 490 times, if we are to take Jesus literally. While that is tempting I believe he meant as many times as it takes. Forgive over and over again. 

And there is this "gem":

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. - Matthew 5:38-40

Oh boy. Talk about a tall order. As usual, Jesus sets us the impossible task and charges us to make it - possible.

What to do when the person you try to forgive - without the apology given - who you try to approach in good faith over and over...just refuses to bend. No quarter given by this person. His way or the highway. Or rather - his way. Period.

What to do when you run out of cheeks, shirts, and coats? Start with the underwear?

I make light of this but there is so much roiling under the surface of this. 40 years of rip currents that threaten with every encounter to take me under until I stop breathing.

Sounds dramatic.

It is.

And my prayers should ramp up; I should shout them until I'm hoarse. Not because God isn't listening but because I need to hear them too.

When you pray - do you pause at all to listen to what God might have to say? I know I don't. Not always anyway. And how are we going to take in what God wants for us if we don't listen to him. His voice, his actions, those magical signs that glimmer throughout our lives if we'd only top & look/listen. I need to take a pause when this bubbles over...because it tears me apart every single time. Leaves me nearly irrational with anger & pain.

We are at the end of our tether with this family drama. After nearly 40 years and countless side-steps, bending & breaking, the last straw has been placed on the camel's back.

And my heart is breaking at what this means, long-term, for me and my darling husband. It will divide us, permanently, from a core family member. Oh, we will keep up the pretense (after all this time we are very good at it) until hubby's parents are no longer with us. A time which is, sadly, getting shorter everyday.

In truth there isn't much there at this point. What little there is - is for my in-laws' sake. And when all is said and done...there will be nothing left to hold on to. I've had to recover from such losses before - the loss that is like a death...without the death - and it nearly killed me before.

Sometimes I think...I've been broken for so long, what's one more heartbreak - right? I am healing from all that brokenness before. I really don't know that I have it in me to fully heal from this one.

And so, once again, I bow down to God and ask him to hold me up until I can stand on my own. To take control of this and show me the right way to proceed. How to pick myself up, put on that smile again - but this time for it to be real, not a facade adopted to get thru the days.

Honestly, friends, sometimes I do wonder what is the point of all of this? I'm supposed to find the gifts in all this; the things that make me a better person in spite of or because of - all this.

And I do try to find them. Squeeze out the positive from so much negativity. Be the better person; strive to learn and grow thru the pain. To give myself grace for the struggle. To give others grace for whatever their struggles are.

And...damn. Just...damn.