Once More

Hello friends. It's been a full year since I posted in this space. SO much has happened. As I alluded in my last post of April 6, 2025 - there was tons going on and not much of it good.

My darling, beloved hubby was diagnosed with cancer in March 2025. The world's rarest cancer - 
Sarcoma. They represent just 1% of all cancers diagnosed each year. And to add to the rarity, Sarcomas have 50 sub-types. 50. Five. Zero. Jim's specific cancer was a Liposarcoma - a fat cell run amuk. Talk about vanishingly rare.

And to make it just that much more traumatic - in a location that 8 Chief Oncologists in 4 different hospitals - had never seen before.

Yeah, we skipped to the head of the line and only saw "Chiefs" during this journey. From a well-respected hospital in Hartford, CT to the world renowned Dana-Farber Cancer Institute to the also world-renowned MA General Hospital. Oh yeah, and I can't forget the world famous Smilow Cancer Institute at Yale New Haven Hospital.

So the very happy news is - he is fine. So far so good, no recurrence and no spread. He will be screened every 3 months for the next 5 years, then every 6 months for another 10 years, then annually for the rest of his life.

Talk about the wake-up call no one wants. And pretty much the ultimate test of our faith. Hubby leaned into that pretty quickly. Surrendered it all to God in an act of breathtaking faith and trust. He stills feels that way, one year later. God had him in His hands and all would be well.

The testing of my faith - continues right to this moment. My ability to trust is nearly non-existent. A childhood filled with abuse and an adulthood marred by ongoing manipulations...will do that to a person.

I am the kind of person who doesn't just have a Plan A - I also have a B, C, and D (at least) for everything. I must anticipate all possible outcomes so I can be prepared.

Except nothing prepares you for when your beloved spouse's life is threatened. No matter how many plans I made, no matter how much work I did to ensure all appointments, tests, etc...were accounted for and solidly set-up, confirmed, and communicated - it was never enough to rid me of my fear.

That I would lose him to cancer. 

Yet despite all my best efforts to plan - every single corner had "other plans" waiting for me. More tests, massive radiation treatment plans, and a surgery that would result in a permanent physical deficit for him.

And again, he showed me what real faith looks like. He never once complained. Oh he cried a bit here and there. He got extremely frustrated with himself. Yet his faith in God's plans for him never wavered. There was no wobble. Just his steadfast belief that God had everything in control.

Me? Not so much.

I prayed all day every day for hubby's safety thru all this. For the surgical outcome to be the best it could be given the circumstances. I had faith enough to pray to God.

I didn't believe though. Didn't believe that he would take hubby thru it and out the other side - if not whole then whole-enough. Safe & healthy.

And here we are - 13 months post-diagnosis, 8 months post-radiation, 7 months post-op - and hubby is thriving. Adjusting to his "new normal". Living his life. His new-found life.

{This new life is FAR better than the first option presented by Dana Farber. The tumor was on the largest muscle in your body - the one that controls your ability to lift your leg from the hip and allow you to raise & bend that leg from the knee. The muscle was so compromised by the tumor that it could not be saved. Full removal was the only option. With the critical nerves involved, Dana Farber advocated full amputation of his leg, at the hip. They even used the words "dire situation" to describe it. (Even a year after that appointment, we are not over the trauma it caused.) Ironically, they recommended a 2nd opinion from MA General Hospital; they doubled-down on their recommendation by saying we needed to "hear it from someone else". We pursued that 2nd opinion and found a masterful surgeon, physician, and human being at MA General. He was stunned at the Dana Farber plan and assured us it would not be necessary. Thanks be to God (yeah, more irony for me) he was right. With a couple of physical limitations, hubby kept his leg and it functions pretty well. As the surgeon said:  You'll walk - it won't be pretty but it will be on your own 2 legs.}

Me? I remain a work in progress. I still pray everyday but it's changed a bit - for God's mercy to heal me, to help me accept that God is in control. And that no matter what happens, God still wants the best for us.

A friend recently said this: Sometimes I think there are 2 options for Purgatory - the one we all know about - you die and go to Purgatory to be purified. The other - you go thru Purgatory in your lifetime and don't face it after your death.

I rather like that POV.

P.S. I shall be starting up blogging again. :-) 

Healed

So...it's been awhile. Lots going on, some of it great and some it not good at all. And we turn to prayer as often as possible. For the good to continue and for God's mercy on the not good.

During Mass last night I was struck, as I usually am, by the phrase we say after consecration:

Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

These words are taken straight from the Gospel of St. Matthew, Chapter 8, verse 8. Spoken by a Roman Centurion as he pled for Jesus to heal his servant. The idea of a Roman submitting to the will of God thru Jesus is as much an oxymoron today as it must have been for Jesus. Due to the Centurion's humility, Jesus healed his servant.

These words are now the final Eucharistic prayer in the Mass, recited before receiving Holy Communion, expressing humility and gratitude for the gift of Christ.

For me, it is the words "...my soul shall be healed." (In the verse in Matthew this is about the Centurion indicating that if Jesus only says the word his servant will be healed.)

Not might be.

Not could be.

Shall be...

As a Christadelphian I was always told God's mercy and my salvation were something up for debate. In the presence of Jesus on the last day my repentance might not be enough for my healing.

Imagine growing up with that in your head. You had to be "good" and if you sinned, repent as you went thru life. Asking for God's forgiveness. But on judgement day...well let's just say things could go awry swiftly and permanently.

As I studied to convert to Catholicism we spent a class focusing on the Eucharistic portion of the Mass. Prayers, consecration, receiving Communion. We had readings to do prior to each class. For this lesson it was the history of the Eucharist, the origins of the prayers, and our conduct during Mass. When I came to that line...

It rocked my foundations. To the depth of my being - I remember having to stop the study session at home so I could gather myself. I broke down sobbing and couldn't continue.

All my life, up to that point, I truly believed that no matter what I did I might never have eternal life.

And there, in black & white, from the mouth of a Roman and recorded by St. Matthew - was my salvation.

Five simple words. Five short syllables. It was there the whole time. During my time as a Christadelphian I know I heard that reading every year. Not once did anyone call that out for what it is - our redemption thru our faith in Jesus Christ.

I recall feeling - betrayed by my family. Betrayed by all the people I had trusted as a child. They terrorized me with their exhortations and sunday school. They took the words of Jesus and surrounded them with a cloud of fear.

Imagine what that did to me as a child. A vulnerable, abused kid/teenager looking for mercy wherever I could find it because I sure as heck didn't get it at home. 

Imagine what that did to me as 40-something adult. A still vulnerable seeker, trying to heal from all that abuse, praying for some kind of intervention for absolution.

And there it was - staring at me from every Bible I had ever touched or read.

And oh the irony. For a class to convert to Catholicism to show that to me so clearly, while the almighty Christadelphians still believe that everything bad in the world is because of the Catholic Church and believe they have the corner on the market of Bible interpretation.

When no interpretation is required. The words are there - they always have been.

Just like God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We are never alone.

Our Warrior

Do you ever get tired of the daily grind? The endless demands on your time & energy. Whether that be at work, at home, or elsewhere in your life. Don't you want to set those burdens down?

Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

Well - guess what. We have the most powerful warrior the universe will ever know...walking right by our side, just waiting for us to turn to him and say...

Lord, please help me.

Or some variation of the same.

Don't be shy about it. Shout it out if you need to. Yell, scream, holler - or whisper it so that your words are almost silent. Just a faint breath on the breeze.

God won't think you are angry with him. And no matter how softly (or loudly) you say it - he will hear you. He always does.

He already knows you are overburdened, worn out, your insides mush from being wrung dry on a daily basis. All he wants from us is to turn to him in times of trouble. (Or happiness - to be thankful for the abundance.)

Even if those burdens don't magically disappear - the demanding boss, the financial concerns, the trials of life - giving them to God always feels good.

Because he is our Warrior. 

God's Hands

 This is truth. Abundant truth.

I have powerful testimony that proves this simple statement.

We are going back to 2010. I was at possibly the lowest point of my life. Nothing was going right. So much turmoil. So much sadness.

I had been away from church for about 15 years. No more Christadelphian meetings, no praying, nothing. I didn't stop believing in God and yet...I started questioning everything about him. The personal crisis that started in 2009 had crescendoed to a feverish state of mind.

After a year of intense sorrow, the hubby & I started talking about, of all things, going back to church.

No one was more shocked than me.

Now - we love the city of Boston. It is one of our favorite places anywhere and we try to get there several times each year. In early 2010 we planned a mini-break holiday in that great place. Bougie hotel, great meals, lots of walking and people watching.

And a visit to St. Leonard's Church in the North End of the city. We went there every time we went to Boston to light a candle for Heather Smith. She was the daughter of old friends and she perished on Flight 11 on 9/11/01. Despite not being particularly religious during those years we honored Heather and her parents.

So we went to St. Leonard's during our weekend away. I was more curious about this Catholic church than any time in the past given that we were thinking about going back to church. And the Christadelphian faith was definitely not on the list.

Growing up in a non-aesthetic Christian faith I had no familiarity with Saints. I knew nothing about them and certainly never saw any physical representations of them.

St. Leonard's in Boston is a classic 19th century Italianate church. Built entirely by the Italian immigrants living in the North End, it is lavish with coffered ceilings, gold leaf everywhere, and elaborate statuary all around the church. So many saint statues that they stood, literally, shoulder-to-shoulder.

I had never explored them before but this time, March 2010, I felt compelled to walk up to each one. I felt one of those saints calling to me. One of them had something important to tell me, I could feel it in my bones.

So I began walking around the church, stopping in front of each statue and asking - are you the one? I'd wait a minute or so, then move on when I felt nothing.

Until I came to a distinctly unique statue. Tall, wearing armor and holding a pennant***. Like all the others, I paused and asked - are you the one?

The next few moments are burned into my memory. I can see this like it is happening right in front of me at this moment.

I was pushed - literally - to kneel in front of this statue. There is no doubt in my mind that the hand of God gently forced me to the cushioned kneeler. If there wasn't a kneeler, I'm sure I'd have gone prostrate on the floor.

I prayed as I never have in my entire life. And cried - I didn't know a human being could cry that much in one place at one time.

I have no recollection how much time passed. Hubby just let me do what I needed to do. He stayed near me but didn't speak to me. He respected what was happening to me. He was then, and remains today, my steady loving rock.

Eventually I stood back up, dried my messy face, and sat in the church for a good long time. Just sat there - quietly praying some more.

On the ride home from Boston that evening we talked about what happened. What it felt like physically. And emotionally.

I was exhausted in every way possible. Overwhelmed by the experience and reeling from the very clear message. From God himself.

Go back to church my child. You need me. I need you.

Startling to say the least. The following weekend was Easter. And as we were in our driveway on Easter Sunday, prepared to drive an hour to hubby's parents, we clearly heard church bells. We'd never heard them before in the 20+ years we'd live in our home.

Saints. Kneeling. God's voice. Church bells.

You just don't ignore all that. The weekend after Easter we started going back to church. Our plan was to try the "Big 3" in our country town - Lutheran, Catholic, Episcopal. We started with the Catholic Church for 2 reasons: 1) hubby was born Catholic and 2) God told me to go back to church while I was in a Catholic church.

And so our faith journey began. Because God laid his hands on me.

And it's true - I haven't ever been the same since.

Amen.

*** There is an amusing side-story to this saint statue. In my heightened emotional state I saw this statue with the armor and spear as - female. Research immediately after that visit told me it was - Joan of Arc. Now I knew her story but not the details. So I read everything I could find about her. And ultimately selected her as my Patron Saint when I joined the Catholic Church. Fast forward another couple of years and in speaking with one of hubby's Aunts - discovered that the saint statue I knelt before was distinctly male - The Archangel Michael.

I based my conversion to Catholicism, in part, on the misidentification of a saint statue. To this day it makes me smile at the private joke I feel God had for me. I'm not sure I would have responded so viscerally if I'd recognized the statue as St. Michael. Yet upon a revisit some years later it was so obvious the statue is male...abs under the armor, well-defined legs...and that pennant? It was a spear, going thru the heart of a demon at St. Michael's feet.

Just writing all that - makes me laugh.

Kneel

In a world that feels endlessly demanding...whether it's your job, family, or whatever burdens you place on yourself...

How often do you give it all up and just...pray.

Indeed. We have the simplest way to hand over the stress & demands; the easiest possible action to let God take over for us.

Kneel.

Or if you are like me - bow. :-) 

My world has gotten a bit heavy of late. I can feel myself starting to sag under the weight of responsibilities, discoveries, and the burdens I can never seem to set down for too long.

I need to remember God is only a few words away.

Or one single bodily action will bring him up front & center for us.

Kneel.

The prayer will come.

Scars

My heart.

Battered. Scarred. Broken so many times I've lost count.

And I am still here.

Cuz as the great Plumb says - I know whose I am. And I turn to him as much as I can, and need to do more. For our solace, our strength, our salvation is only found in him.

Oh, the God who made the stars
Is the God that made your heart
And He's holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars
Beautiful scars!

Our scars tell our stories for us. But they are not who we are. They are signs of our struggles, our battles, and our recoveries. 

Because those scars did not kill us. They propelled us forward to healing and the light of God.

Amen, sweet Plumb. Amen beautiful God.

(Plumb is one of my favorite singers of any genre; that she turns that beautiful voice to Christian music is the abundant icing on the delicious cake.)

Renewal

As a Lector at my church it is my greatest privilege to read the Word of God to my fellow parishioners. I get to share with them the messages that God sent to us thru men inspired of him. My turn is up tonite and I couldn't be more excited to read words written by St. Paul.

The Pauline writings are a full prescription for our lives following Jesus. For the earliest Christians, St. Paul's writings gave them a guidebook of behavior and while he wrote many letters to those fledgling churches, his message was "simple".

Live as Christ told us to, as close to him as possible. Achieving perfection...as if!

This can only be achieved thru prayer and a throwing away of what we have learned in our own societies.

Timeless writings by the great St. Paul. Like this, which I will be proclaiming at around 5:15pm EST tonite:

Brothers and sisters:
I declare and testify in the Lord
that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do,
in the futility of their minds;
that is not how you learned Christ,
assuming that you have heard of him and were taught in him,
as truth is in Jesus,
that you should put away the old self of your former way of life,
corrupted through deceitful desires,
and be renewed in the spirit of your minds,
and put on the new self,
created in God's way in righteousness and holiness of truth.

-letter of st. paul to the ephesians 4:17-24

Indeed. "...renewed in the spirit of your minds..." What an achievement it would be if this was easy, if we could be in that spirit 24/7.

Which is what God wants for us. To do this brings us closer to God.

And what a challenge it is, in these times and likely in the times when St. Paul wrote his letter. 

Throw off our old selves, renew our spirits in God thru Jesus Christ. 

It is, in my mind, what being Christian is all about. The daily work to keep ourselves of the world and not in the world. A challenge that surfaces with every sunrise.

Lean

Are you feeling this?

I am. Deeply. This resonates to the core of my being. I am literally vibrating with this.

Think about it - "...every ounce of trust in Him."

Naturally it brings to mind this classic Bible verse:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” proverbs 3:5

In this the writer (Proverbs is attributed to many writers; it is thought that the first 9 books are from King Solomon himself, King David's son) is telling us not to rely on our strength and knowledge, but to trust in the Lord. To let go of trusting earthly wealth, wisdom, and experience.

Once again, as humans this may be the toughest challenge in all the Bible. Which is the entire point of this Proverbs verse - indeed in our prayers themselves.

We come to this space & time constantly - pray to God, give over our worries and burdens to him, and trust that he has us. 

Then what happens - do we trust him?

Somewhere deep within us we know we can trust in God. Putting that trust into practice is something else again. Our egos will question it with every word.

Yet, at least for me, I do feel called right now to do exactly as King Solomon instructed - trust in God, lean on Him. And him alone.

God is always with us. I am leaning in - and feeling that deep, compassionate, loving presence all around me.

Lean into God. You'll feel him right there beside you. 

Big...Huge

It is a blah day today. Outside and inside.

Outside it is hot, humid, and stormy. A grey day of clouds, rain, and an exceptional quiet. Broken only by the birdsong and claps of thunder.

Inside it is cool and comfortable, at least physically. Mentally I am a jumble of thoughts and worries. Which is something I struggle with daily - letting go of worries. Big or small, I chew over my worries like a dog with a bone.

Not a happy image for a human.

a.w. tozer

Indeed we do. Or as St. John said in his first book in the New Testament:

"The Lord is greater than whatever is ahead of you and will always guide you through"

...aka God is bigger than the giants we face.

And how true that is. God created it all - heavens, earth, and all in between. And when we consider just the "heavens" - well that encompasses a vast amount...doesn't it.

We all need a reminder from time to time that what we think of a worries - are mere trifles to God. And turning them over to him...makes them trifles to us.

The challenge, at least for me, is to not take them back. I am notorious for doing that - praying, giving it all up to God...then sneaking back under cover of my own darkness and hauling it all back like the baggage it is.

Overburdened. Overpacked. And I am over - it all.

It is time to let go - well & truly. To let God be the greater good that he is - he has the strongest shoulders in the universe (and beyond) and he can handle whatever puny things seem like Goliaths to me.

To think I can handle it - is laughable on any level. I can't, only God can. My ego doesn't allow me to let go at all. Because I continue to believe I have it in me to tough it out; that on some level I deserve this disquiet & discomfort.

God - doesn't want us to feel like this. His love for us is unconditional and nothing could persuade him to allow us to suffer unjustly. (And yes, that is the elephant in every Christian room - just why does a loving God allow us to suffer at all. I have attempted to cover this subject only twice - here.)

Returning to suffering and God. There is no easy answer of course. Perhaps we aren't supposed to find the answer. Perhaps we should do what we know to be true - surrender to God thru prayer. Let him sort out the details. Let him carry the burden.

Oddly it is all, the most omnipotent being of all time, wants from us. The greatest gift to all mankind - prayer & peace.

Personal Revival

Is God waiting for me?

Seems like a potentially arrogant question. After all, why would the most omnipotent being in all of any history - wait for me to do anything? Isn't it me who should be waiting on God - in prayer, petition, thanksgiving, and hope?

That is all true. And yet I feel that sometimes God does wait for me, for us.

• To forgive even when it feels impossible.
• Embrace a season of quiet with God.
• Let go of what I think my journey thru this life should look like.
• Allow God into my broken places.

A season of quiet with God - what does that look like? How long is that? If we listen for God enough, look for him in all that we see and do, inevitably he will tell us what that season is. 

Thru prayer we will see & hear God. Keeping our eyes wide open all the time - to see & hear him in everything, the sweetest birdsong, the prettiest flower, the hideous weed, the icky insect - is to find God present in our lives every second of the day.

Not every minute. Every single second. Even the words I am writing come straight from God. Because those 4 points above constitute a prayer I have been saying as often as possible, as the gift they are - given to me from a surprising source.

Indeed, that same source gifted me with another prayer, just for me. 

A Personal Revival from God. To acknowledge God's presence, make a plan for healing with only his guidance, and persevere in this plan in the quiet spaces with God.

When you open your mind to all of God's possibilities - even the ones that seem so improbable as to be nearly unbelievable - he delivers gift upon gift.

So go to that quiet place with God - and open your mind & heart to listen to his messages. For he indeed...waiting for us.

Centering

Time...is a thief.

It passes whether we pay attention or not. Time marches on (as the old saying goes) no matter what we may do to slow it down. Or even worse - wish it away faster.

Perhaps the most famous Bible verse on time is the poetic Ecclesiastes Chapter 3:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 

a time to weep and a time to a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

The lesser-known verse in this chapter is the following:

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I've mentioned before - God's Time. It encompasses, to me, all that is mysterious and wondrous about God. He has his own pace - did he really take only 7 of our Earth-days to create the heavens and the earth? I doubt it. I often think it may be that he took 7 of our Earth-minutes to do it - because he is God, omnipotent and all-powerful. 

I am believer that all things in the universe are connected in some way. Everything is energy so therefore everything has a common point even at the lowest (shall we say sub-atomic) level. God created it all, infusing his own energy into every plant, beast, rock, the stars, and yes - us.

We are governed by God's time and for us human - who come into this world with our egos fully intact - it's a hard thing to give over. But then again - giving over worries, fears, etc...to God is difficult even on our best days.

Anyway - lately I have felt a little ungrounded. Overwhelmed by the many demands of life these days. And not praying - because I'm so scattered and ungrounded - is clearly taking its toll on me. I am frazzled, confused, and feeling like I'm just drifting along with no guidance.

Yet the ultimate guide - the one who "...set eternity in the human heart..." is just there, not even out of reach. Always by our sides, God is there in the sunlight even on a cloudy day. All you have to do is let yourself go - release the tension, let go of the burdens we insist on toting on our backs every single day - and center yourself on God with a simple prayer.

Nothing fancy needed - just a small, single syllable word...

Help.

That's all. Can't be easier than that, can it? You could add in a couple of other syllables if you need to...

God, please help.

He will hear you even in that original single syllable. As soon as you say it you can feel your shoulders drop a bit. Maybe your jaw relaxes. Perhaps your stomach muscles unclench. 

For me - even my eyebrows settle down.

Help.

So simple. And yet so centering. Because so long as we keep ourselves centered on God, he will do all the rest for us.

It really is all he wants do to.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Fragility

To be human...is to feel fragile. Our bodies are pretty sturdy, all things considered, and yet we are physically prone to bruising, cuts, falling, injuries, illness, etc...

We aren't meant to last forever. 

What I mean by using the word "fragility" as the title of this conversation is our emotional fragility. For in that we are prone to tears, anger, betrayal, depression, etc...

Nothing really much good in that kind of fragility, is there. It wears us down and wears us out. Only if we allow ourselves to become lost in the sea of our human frailty.

For indeed, God is most definitely not fragile. Not in any sense of the word. By any definition God is the strongest being of all time and space. His creation endures - it might change and it still endures.

Like the epic waterfall in this picture. Gullfoss (meaning golden waterfall) in Iceland. Millions of years old its torrents gush unimpeded through this harsh & beautiful landscape. While the water, over time, may change the face of the rocks the flow of the water is a constant. 

As is God - he is there for us, even when we don't acknowledge him. Or talk to him. 

We go thru each day not being fully aware of God's constant presence in our lives. Or at least - I do.

I am utterly clueless sometimes in the stress & tumble of a day. Something can be staring me in the face and if I'm wrapped up in my own little dramas and concerns I don't see it.

And that doesn't mean that God isn't there anyway. Even when he is ignored or worse - yelled at in anger about some petty thing - he is there. Steadfast. 

Waiting for us - always waiting for us. And all we need to do is say "Hi God" or "Thank you God" or even just "God, please help me".

Because we may be fragile - but he never is.

The End Is Just The Beginning

It's been a challenging couple of weeks. Lots of doubting on my part - that God even sees what is happening to the world he created. That he sees what is happening to people I love. That he sees - me.

And of course that is my human-ness being allowed free reign over my thoughts. Because God is always there - and every challenge, every heartache, every frustration - is our opportunity to draw him into our innermost soul & heart. To that magical in-dwelling that he craves for us & with us.

Funny thing - He is already there. And in our human-ness - our ego - we believe that it is WE who need to allow him in.

Humans really are curious creatures.

It is not up to us to decide much about our lives. Sure, our daily decisions on what to wear, what food to eat, where to be and when - the normal activities that require our participation.

But in the grand scheme of our brief existence, no matter what we want to believe or force to happen, it is God - and only God - who runs the show.

Even more importantly - it is our responsibility to turn to him in those moments that try us. Those moments that give us the greatest struggles. And those moments happen because we don't acknowledge that God is already there.

Or as is said at every Catholic Mass:

"Through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever." The Book of Romans, Chapter 11:36

And to the image I posted here - this is all intended for one specific person in my life who needs to hear this:

We are not in control. Only God is. And the bad things that happen to us can be a gateway to all the good & wonderful things that God has planned for us. We only need to get out of our own way, let go of what we think things should be like, and be more open to the signs & wonders that God sends to us every moment. Because God wants the very best for us - signs & wonders are not about the end. They are about our beginning...no matter at what point we start. -with love, kris

While it might feel like the end - perhaps it is God's way of saying there is newness of life waiting for you. Just be patient because it's all in God's Time.

"We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." The Book of Romans, Chapter 6:4

Amen. 

God's Child

 Remember whose you are.

These words, as written, are not seen in the Bible. They are an interpretation of the Gospel of John 1:12:

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

For that is what we are - children of God.

There are times when I forget this; I'm sure we all do. We think of ourselves in purely layman's terms - the child of so and so. And sure, we are of their bodies.

But we are not of their bodies as well.

We are of God - his spirit gave us life, his creation gave us life. The very air we breathe comes from God.

It is a challenge for our human egos to give over to the suggestion that we belong to someone other than ourselves. Or that we belong to anyone or anything at all.

We are taught from a young age to be independent. In today's world we are further taught to call our own shots, to be nothing to anyone but ourselves. To turn to anyone other than ourselves is considered a failure.

Yet we must remember that we belong to God. In the end...and I mean the very end, when all that we are comes to its final fruition...God greats us. 

As his child. Whom he has loved before we knew ourselves.

Remember whose you are. Because God does.

Doubt

New month.

Same concerns.

I try - I really do - to give my burdens and anxieties over to God. He has big shoulders and while I know I am unworthy, he will take them for me whenever I ask.

The trouble is - I ask, then I take it all back. I sneak to the foot of the Cross and claw-back the baggage I left there the last time I sought the solace of God.

6,500 year old volcanic crater lake, Iceland

Doubt

a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.

Oh boy do I have these.  I doubt myself on a daily basis - multiple times a day sometimes. Whether it's work, or home, or faith, or family...and I know I'm not alone in my doubts.

They are a plague upon us, truly. At least they are to me.

I have very little sense of self-worth so doubting myself is, in some ways, as natural as breathing. I don't know to do it elsewise.

Yet God gives us a clear pathway to erase our doubts - the simplicity of prayer. 

No great oration is required to pray to God. Just a humble spirit (...just, she says...) and the desire to be heard.

Because God is there listening all the time. He wants us to come to him. In fact I believe he will take us anyway he can get us. 

• Too prideful - we are forgiven
• Puffed up with vanity - we are forgiven
• No patience - we are forgiven

The list could go on and on. And the point is - before we ask for anything, God is already there. He already knows our hearts & minds.

All he wants from us is the simplicity of a prayer - Dear God, I'm here and I need you. 

He will take care of the rest.

Sunday Symphony

Music, as I've said many times, is a necessary thing to me. Like the air we breathe, music gives me life. It can bring clarity to the fog of a day, can make me cry big tears of joy or deep tears of sadness.

It plucks the heartstrings of my very soul.

Paul Winter Consort - "Sun Singer" 1983

This may be an oldie yet to me it's still quite a goodie. We have a Pandora streaming station called "Paul Winter". We play it every Sunday morning. While sipping a second cup of coffee it puts wind beneath my spirit.

Music - any kind really - is a gift from God. The notes, the melody, harmony, sometimes even the dissonance - is a prayer. 

Because the music beneath the notes really is a song of the Holy Spirit. To me it is a call to pray, to meditate, to sing.

The great Saint Augustine once said: singing is praying twice. Ephesians 5:19 says, 

"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and singing spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart."

There are days I need much more than the gentleness of Paul Winter. I need the thrum of a drum and the scream of a blistering guitar.  

No matter what kind of music I tune to, I feel the Holy Spirit deep within me. Connecting me to prayer and God in a way that, in my life, nothing else can.

Duality

We've all had days like this.

At the end of such a day we feel - split in half. Maybe more than once. Pulled in different, polarizing directions all day long. Until we feel elastic and like we'll never spring back to normal again.

How do we reconcile ourselves when we feel this way? How do we gather ourselves back to center, to the heart of ourselves.

Well, first we have to set boundaries with the people we interact with. We can't allow them to take chunks out of us like some demonic plague of locusts.

Hyperbolic - perhaps. But the visual is undeniable.

As a life-long people-pleaser I know only too well what it's like to exist - sometimes just barely - when we don't set boundaries that are healthy for us. Because as a people-pleaser we know nothing about the self; everything is for everyone else. Never for us.

The saying about putting on the oxygen mask first comes to mind. It's a little cliche yet it rings so true for us "p-p" types.

Saying no is the first valid thing to do. Push back gently at first. Then more firmly if the boundary is rejected (and trust me, 75% of the time it will be). Become forceful if necessary but stand by the boundary.

Because you matter. It is OK to allow ourselves to come first.

Because God loved you before anyone else knew you. And if our Maker loves us then surely we must direct some of our energies to love ourselves.

There are a couple of Bible verses that illustrate this far more eloquently than I could:

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 4:9-10
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Since God loves us enough to become human and be crucified to save us - then I believe we owe it to God to love ourselves enough to get thru a day without feeling torn apart by others.

To be - fierce, strong, and courageous yet still being kind.  That kind of duality is sustainable, with God's love.

On Vulnerability & Warfare

 

Spiritual warfare. We're gonna get vulnerable here.

Ever feel like each day is some kind of battle? From the time your eyes open until you can finally close them again, and surrender to the hopeful peace of sleep - you are fighting against ... something. At the blissful end of such a day you don't know what you were fighting, you can't recall how it all started, and you just want it to disappear into the mist of a dreamless rest.

I've had more than a bevy of these days over the past few years. And in my own reflections, meditations, and prayers I've determined that at the bedrock of these kinds of days is warfare.

Yes - warfare. For my spirit. Sometimes it feels like a battle for my very soul. 

Satan steps into the breach of these kinds of moments and tries to wrest control away from me. He sneaks in like colorless smoke and captures me in his web of lies and condemnations.

Sometimes he comes in the form of gossip in the news. Sometimes it is some kind of sadistic abuser masquerading as a comforter who distracts me from my faith. Other times it is self-doubt - the worst kind, born of abuse from my parents and read back to me in the darkest of dark thoughts.

No matter how he comes, Satan is a slick, oily salesman who wends his way into my life and works his own deviant magic on me to call me away from what I know to be true and right.

Righteous even.

There are two words in this that shed a bright light onto how this happens:

• Surrender
• Control

These 2 words effectively cancel each other out, don't they.

Leaving no room for an effective plan. No room for God. And therein lies the problem.

Satan cancels out God. If you let him. And those days I've had of spiritual warfare, Satan sometimes comes close to being the victor.

He came extremely close just once - many years ago. I brought in the help of several people to get him away from me. It took an enormous leap of - faith - to overcome his hold over me.

And nowadays when I feel Satan closing in on me - I turn to God as swiftly as I feel the hot breath on my face. 

That breath is nasty. Just nasty.

I am so thankful for my faith, for God's healing & enduring love, for God's forgiveness always - especially on those spiritual warfare days. When Satan's temptation gets under my skin and tries to make a home there.

Satan only has one home and that is behind me. With God in front of me leading me, as ever, to safety & protection.

It is a daily act of faith to give control of the day to God. On some days, I have to give control to God every few minutes.

And when I do that - humble myself and tell God I truly need his protection & love - he is steadfast as always. And my anxiety and fear fades away.

Saturday Symphony

Stars. The cosmos.

They have always fascinated me since I was a little girl. Gazing into the dark heavens, identifying the constellations, the chance view of a shooting star, the full moon. Such things are the sight of my dreams in 3D.

Even now I gaze heavenward every clear night. And with modern technology I have apps that will tell me what stars I'm seeing, which planet is visible, even where the Milky Way is during the summer of the northern hemisphere.

As a human being, I am humbled by these vistas. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, the stars are always there - an epic expanse of limitless imaginings.

As a Christian, I am humbled knowing that my God created that vastness. His hand is there every night showing us his majesty thru the twinkling of light that is ageless.

I return once again to one of my favorite Christian rock bands - Skillet. Their normal hard-driving sound thrums thru my very soul almost burning me with their energy & strength.

Then they write and perform a gem like this one - Stars. 

The deepest depths, the darkest nights
Can't separate, can't keep me from Your sight
I get so lost, forget my way
But still You love and You don't forget my name

Written for the movie - The Shack - which is based on a book written by William Paul Young about a man's experiences after the horrible kidnapping & death of his daughter. Falling into a pit of despair, the man receives a note from God, who calls him to the very location where his daughter was murdered. The man's faith is wobbly, to say the least, and his time with The Trinity - God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit - help him come to terms with his devastating loss. The depiction of these three pillars of Christianity is modern and somehow very real.

Anyway - Stars is one of those songs that digs deep into my heart. Once again it reminds us that God is always there - even when we fall into the pit and can't find our way out. If we turn to God - he will give us the light we need and the helping hand to lift us up.

If You can hold the stars in place
You can hold my heart the same
Whenever I fall away
Whenever I start to break
So here I am, lifting up my heart

Think of it - God's mighty hands holding up each star. The infinite numbers of those pretty twinkling lights held in place by a being who is so vast he knows no space or time.

God just - is.

Lift up your hearts my friends. God will be there to hold you in place.