Sneaking

I've spoken about this before. 

This is what I call sneaking back to the foot of the cross to take back the baggage we once left in that place.

Of course our human egos won't leave things alone. We think we can do better - than God?

Really?

There are so many mentions in the Bible about God being our strength, our salvation. Here are just two:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you" - the prophet isaiah, 41:10

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" - 2nd book of timothy, 1:7 

Everytime we pray we are asking God to renew his promises to us. And what do we do in return?

Slink, nay, skulk around behind his back and take up our crosses over and over again.

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." - psalm 59:16

Do we respond like the Psalmist when we feel like we are in over our heads? And whose fault is that exactly?

Ours because we can't leave well enough in God's hands.

This is, to me, the eternal - and sometimes impossible - struggle between our egos and God's love.

I am in the midst of this struggle right now - and I know I would prefer God's love to my own inadequate considerations.

It all feels like some spiritual warfare is going on within me.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." - 2 corinthians 10:3-5 (underlined emphasis mine)

There it is. The thing we should trust above all else. The thing that satan can't possibly achieve victory over.

Our weapon in this fight is the armor of God.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." -ephesians 6:13

It is God's love for us, his ceaseless desire to draw us closer to him, his greater strength in the face of evil. It is in these times of struggle against what we know to be true - that we must turn our faces to God.

Literally - raise your face upwards to the sky and allow his armor to envelope you like a second skin.

Covering you without any seams, without any gaps. Let God fill in the spaces of our hearts & souls so we can leave that baggage at the foot of the cross.

And walk confidently on the path of light that leads to God.

Feels like a circle doesn't it. A circle of life with God as our leader.

Carry Me

Just a simple yet, conversely, complicated disclosure about the state of my world at this moment.

It should say "...broke, again..."

I'm not praying anywhere near as much as I should. Truth is - how many of us do?

Conflict is so darn difficult to handle. Especially when it's within a family, coming up against an entrenched, holier-than-thou, thinks they are better than everyone else person. Who has been enabled in this behavior since they joined the family nearly 40 years ago. Excuses made at every turn. Because we don't want to "upset XXX". 

This burden has been upon me all these years. Well - not me alone but I've been the brunt of the bullying for about this long. God knows - truly - God knows how hard I've tried and for how long to make this thing at least be civil.

Jesus tells us:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus said to him, I say not to you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. - Matthew 18:21-22

I can do that math. 490 times, if we are to take Jesus literally. While that is tempting I believe he meant as many times as it takes. Forgive over and over again. 

And there is this "gem":

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. - Matthew 5:38-40

Oh boy. Talk about a tall order. As usual, Jesus sets us the impossible task and charges us to make it - possible.

What to do when the person you try to forgive - without the apology given - who you try to approach in good faith over and over...just refuses to bend. No quarter given by this person. His way or the highway. Or rather - his way. Period.

What to do when you run out of cheeks, shirts, and coats? Start with the underwear?

I make light of this but there is so much roiling under the surface of this. 40 years of rip currents that threaten with every encounter to take me under until I stop breathing.

Sounds dramatic.

It is.

And my prayers should ramp up; I should shout them until I'm hoarse. Not because God isn't listening but because I need to hear them too.

When you pray - do you pause at all to listen to what God might have to say? I know I don't. Not always anyway. And how are we going to take in what God wants for us if we don't listen to him. His voice, his actions, those magical signs that glimmer throughout our lives if we'd only top & look/listen. I need to take a pause when this bubbles over...because it tears me apart every single time. Leaves me nearly irrational with anger & pain.

We are at the end of our tether with this family drama. After nearly 40 years and countless side-steps, bending & breaking, the last straw has been placed on the camel's back.

And my heart is breaking at what this means, long-term, for me and my darling husband. It will divide us, permanently, from a core family member. Oh, we will keep up the pretense (after all this time we are very good at it) until hubby's parents are no longer with us. A time which is, sadly, getting shorter everyday.

In truth there isn't much there at this point. What little there is - is for my in-laws' sake. And when all is said and done...there will be nothing left to hold on to. I've had to recover from such losses before - the loss that is like a death...without the death - and it nearly killed me before.

Sometimes I think...I've been broken for so long, what's one more heartbreak - right? I am healing from all that brokenness before. I really don't know that I have it in me to fully heal from this one.

And so, once again, I bow down to God and ask him to hold me up until I can stand on my own. To take control of this and show me the right way to proceed. How to pick myself up, put on that smile again - but this time for it to be real, not a facade adopted to get thru the days.

Honestly, friends, sometimes I do wonder what is the point of all of this? I'm supposed to find the gifts in all this; the things that make me a better person in spite of or because of - all this.

And I do try to find them. Squeeze out the positive from so much negativity. Be the better person; strive to learn and grow thru the pain. To give myself grace for the struggle. To give others grace for whatever their struggles are.

And...damn. Just...damn.

Tears & Suffering

 

if all you have are tears to cry

the Lord keeps track of all your sorrow

psalm 56:8

Life - moves fast and not always politely. There are days - weeks even - when I feel like I've been run over, repeatedly. Despite all my efforts at setting boundaries with people I still end up worn out in every possible way.

These past few weeks have been such a time and this past week was intensified. It was just - a slog. 

All I wanted to do when I got home from work yesterday was curl up under the covers and cry my heart out. I could feel the dammed up tears threatening to overtop my control all day long.

So home I went - and literally crawled into bed, under the lovely covers, thinking I'd give over to the tears and let the dam break.

It didn't.

Because I prayed for solace, for comfort. I prayed most fervently for relief from the weight of it all. 

And as ever - God was there in the silence, holding my hand and drying my tears before I shed them.

He does that - all day long. And in those times when our tears do overtop us, it's only because we didn't ask God to help in that moment.

I know - the question surely follows - but if he is there all the time why doesn't he always help us to not cry?

And I ask that question myself all the time. There is no easy answer - it is the age-old question of why a munificent God would allow us to suffer at all.

The short answer is - because in those moments God wants us to call out to him, to turn to him, to be drawn into his embrace, and stay there.

The long answer is - I don't have one. It is the oldest & hardest question of faith. 

I think back to my previous writing about spiritual warfare and the presence of satan. For the evil one is always there just waiting - crouched in the shadows - to distract us away from what we know is right.

God - is right. Praying to God - is right. Repentance - is right.

Satan - is wrong. Satan - is never the answer to anything.

So here we are in another spiritual fight. Turning to God - while tears threaten and solace seems unreachable - is the only way to gain these things.

Grace

grace = courteous goodwill

courteous = polite, respectful, or considerate in manner

goodwill = friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude

Do we give grace to the people around us? Are we all the things listed above? Maybe not every single day but - some of them?

Are we understanding when a friend lashes out? Do we give a nanosecond's thought to what is happening in their life, that they would react that way? Or do we just stalk off, harumphing and generally thinking ill of the person.

God's grace is defined as God's unmerited kindness, favor, and mercy. It is a free gift from God; definitely an undeserved one.

Do you know that God's grace is given before we even ask for it? He sees our hearts, he knows our minds, and he certainly knows what we need before we are even aware of some kind of need at all. Or as St. Paul tells us in a few verses prior to the one quoted above:

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:13

Grace - is given. It can't be earned - not even by the friend or co-worker who annoys us. It is in our gift to give it to them at our own volition.

God's grace can't be earned either. Yet we know that it is already awarded to us - the ultimate reward in life.

In this Lenten season, let us remember we have the ability to give grace to those who offend or annoy or even hurt us. Because no matter how far we wander, no matter how lost we are in our lives, God's grace is there - all we have to do is ask.

Duality

We've all had days like this.

At the end of such a day we feel - split in half. Maybe more than once. Pulled in different, polarizing directions all day long. Until we feel elastic and like we'll never spring back to normal again.

How do we reconcile ourselves when we feel this way? How do we gather ourselves back to center, to the heart of ourselves.

Well, first we have to set boundaries with the people we interact with. We can't allow them to take chunks out of us like some demonic plague of locusts.

Hyperbolic - perhaps. But the visual is undeniable.

As a life-long people-pleaser I know only too well what it's like to exist - sometimes just barely - when we don't set boundaries that are healthy for us. Because as a people-pleaser we know nothing about the self; everything is for everyone else. Never for us.

The saying about putting on the oxygen mask first comes to mind. It's a little cliche yet it rings so true for us "p-p" types.

Saying no is the first valid thing to do. Push back gently at first. Then more firmly if the boundary is rejected (and trust me, 75% of the time it will be). Become forceful if necessary but stand by the boundary.

Because you matter. It is OK to allow ourselves to come first.

Because God loved you before anyone else knew you. And if our Maker loves us then surely we must direct some of our energies to love ourselves.

There are a couple of Bible verses that illustrate this far more eloquently than I could:

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 4:9-10
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Since God loves us enough to become human and be crucified to save us - then I believe we owe it to God to love ourselves enough to get thru a day without feeling torn apart by others.

To be - fierce, strong, and courageous yet still being kind.  That kind of duality is sustainable, with God's love.

On Being Fearless

It seems a bit hyperbolic to use the term "fear" or "fearless" these days when talking about how we approach our lives.

When I think of fearless people, my mind turns to our military, firefighters, police officers. Not someone like me who is just trying to navigate a complex world.

However if we turn to what it meant to be fearless in Biblical times - especially Old Testament times - we find that SIN was the number one thing people feared. Proverbs 28:1 tells us this:

The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Meaning having a guilty conscience, due to sin, makes the wicked turn tail - and run.

So...does being fearless, in the faith-based sense, mean we should disregard being sinful?

No.

I believe it means that we should know - really KNOW - that God is with us always. That his forgiveness is given before we ask for it.

And that is really what we need to do - freely repent without fear of condemnation from God. 

For God loves us and never leaves our side. It is faith that allows me to believe this is true, even when I don't feel like anyone is by my side. It gives me great comfort to pray to God - the unseen Father - even in those times when I feel like no one is listening and no one cares. 

God cares - all the time. And in those times when he doesn't answer my prayers in the way I want - I have to believe he didn't because what I wanted wasn't right for me. No matter how it feels to me in the moment.

Which is, for us mere mortals, the hardest part of all. Acknowledging that God is in control, not us. No matter how much our own precious little egos believe we ARE in control.

To me it is the biggest leap of faith to accept this. And I have to re-believe every day. Always.

It is the very least I can do for a God who loves me in the moment, who accepts me for who I am in the present without ever holding the past against me.

The Book of Joshua, Chapter 1, is the origin of the quote above. The entire book of Joshua deals with what happens after Moses dies. In Chapter 1, it is God's promise continuing to be fulfilled - to deliver the Israelites to their Promised Land - even though his first leader has passed away. Joshua is given the task to keep the Israelites moving to the lands outlined in verse 4:

Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Mediterranean Sea in the west. 

Note: all biblical verses are copied directly from Bible Gateway.