Surrender

Full surrender to God.

This just isn't the human ego's way of dealing with things, is it. It ... chafes. Goes against the grain. Feels wrong.

Yet when we do that, even for a moment, we find the release we didn't know we needed. Sure, it might still chafe a bit. Giving up control never feels particularly smooth. And God is still there - in the midst of our resistance, He is still guiding us. Holding our hand. Leading us to the still waters our spirits need.

Our egos need.

"We all are men, in our own natures frail, and capable of our flesh; few are angels." William Shakespeare (from Henry VIII)

Possibly the greatest human writer of all time. Somehow Shakespeare's connection to the human spirit and all its vagaries remains, some 400+ years later, as accurate as it was in the original moment.

"...in our own natures frail..."

Indeed Mr. Shakespeare. Aren't we JUST that - frail. Our very natures are unstable, fraught with contradictions and the imposition of our own will.

Not God's will. But our own.

Because we know best, right? We know ourselves and what we need or want better than anyone. Better than our spouse, friends, parents, siblings...

And we know, as Christians, in our hearts this is not true.

The only one who knows us better than we know ourselves is God. And His knowing may rub us the wrong way, might get annoying, even frustrate us.

And we also know that, when we surrender to that greater knowing, life simplifies. We gain clarity if we open our hearts to God and what He wants for us.

Because in the end, when the day closes and we say our final prayer before sleep overcomes us, what God wants for us and shows us - is always good. Even if we can't see it right away.

God is good...all the time.

On The Right

I bless the LORD who counsels me;

even in the night my heart exhorts me.

I set the LORD ever before me;

with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed.

-psalm 16:8*

God at my right hand.

Feels a little - ego-centric - doesn't it? The Lord before me - YES! The Lord at my right hand?

Shouldn't that be the other way around? Me at HIS right hand, at HIS service, at HIS beck & call. HIS handmaiden. Reliable, trustworthy, dependable.

As is my habit when presented with such a Biblical conundrum - I went down the rabbit-hole in search of a deeper interpretation. Something to help me understand King David's mindset when writing about God being his right hand.

There is a premise suggested that Psalm 16 is a "miktam" of David. A literal song. And his first verse is:

Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.

A song dedicated to God and the plea for God's security in life. How apropos. My present life is consumed with the need to feel "safe". For so many reasons. This bold reminder that God keeps me safe, always, is one I didn't see coming and is further proof of the workings of the Lord. All I did today is go for the day's readings (see note at the bottom). Picked a verse that I liked and went from there.

Yeah, God isn't moving in my life. No, nothing like that. /sarcasm

My research** suggests that having "God at my right hand" is a place of honor and importance. And from my human point of view - it is arrogant to believe God should want to be at my right hand. Doesn't he have more important things to do?

But then I remove myself from the equation (as we should do) and realize that God wants to be in this priority position in my life. 

Because that is where he belongs. The first, last, and always in our lives. The Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End (Revelation 22:13). The only thing that is a constant - unshakeable, unconditional love for us. For our safety. For our protection. For our salvation.

Do we see God the way King David did? As our refuge, our guide, the ultimate honor for us to have God as our right hand? By our side, guiding us, having everything in His control? 

For 2026 this is my singular prayer all day, every day: to trust that God has my back. 

*this is part of the daily readings for Saturday April 18, 2026 per the Roman Catholic Missal.

**My primary resource for my rabbit-hole wanderings is a magnificent tome - "New Collegeville Bible Commentary" by Daniel Durken. (Wow - this book wasn't inexpensive when I purchased it about 7 years ago; it is now twice the price I paid, at $125!). This book has been a fantastic way to get more meaning from the Bible. It is more than a deep dive into every single verse in every Book.

Healed

So...it's been awhile. Lots going on, some of it great and some it not good at all. And we turn to prayer as often as possible. For the good to continue and for God's mercy on the not good.

During Mass last night I was struck, as I usually am, by the phrase we say after consecration:

Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

These words are taken straight from the Gospel of St. Matthew, Chapter 8, verse 8. Spoken by a Roman Centurion as he pled for Jesus to heal his servant. The idea of a Roman submitting to the will of God thru Jesus is as much an oxymoron today as it must have been for Jesus. Due to the Centurion's humility, Jesus healed his servant.

These words are now the final Eucharistic prayer in the Mass, recited before receiving Holy Communion, expressing humility and gratitude for the gift of Christ.

For me, it is the words "...my soul shall be healed." (In the verse in Matthew this is about the Centurion indicating that if Jesus only says the word his servant will be healed.)

Not might be.

Not could be.

Shall be...

As a Christadelphian I was always told God's mercy and my salvation were something up for debate. In the presence of Jesus on the last day my repentance might not be enough for my healing.

Imagine growing up with that in your head. You had to be "good" and if you sinned, repent as you went thru life. Asking for God's forgiveness. But on judgement day...well let's just say things could go awry swiftly and permanently.

As I studied to convert to Catholicism we spent a class focusing on the Eucharistic portion of the Mass. Prayers, consecration, receiving Communion. We had readings to do prior to each class. For this lesson it was the history of the Eucharist, the origins of the prayers, and our conduct during Mass. When I came to that line...

It rocked my foundations. To the depth of my being - I remember having to stop the study session at home so I could gather myself. I broke down sobbing and couldn't continue.

All my life, up to that point, I truly believed that no matter what I did I might never have eternal life.

And there, in black & white, from the mouth of a Roman and recorded by St. Matthew - was my salvation.

Five simple words. Five short syllables. It was there the whole time. During my time as a Christadelphian I know I heard that reading every year. Not once did anyone call that out for what it is - our redemption thru our faith in Jesus Christ.

I recall feeling - betrayed by my family. Betrayed by all the people I had trusted as a child. They terrorized me with their exhortations and sunday school. They took the words of Jesus and surrounded them with a cloud of fear.

Imagine what that did to me as a child. A vulnerable, abused kid/teenager looking for mercy wherever I could find it because I sure as heck didn't get it at home. 

Imagine what that did to me as 40-something adult. A still vulnerable seeker, trying to heal from all that abuse, praying for some kind of intervention for absolution.

And there it was - staring at me from every Bible I had ever touched or read.

And oh the irony. For a class to convert to Catholicism to show that to me so clearly, while the almighty Christadelphians still believe that everything bad in the world is because of the Catholic Church and believe they have the corner on the market of Bible interpretation.

When no interpretation is required. The words are there - they always have been.

Just like God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We are never alone.

Mine

There is something soothing in the knowledge that we can turn to God whenever we want. Whether taking a long walk, sitting in the quiet of our home, or even in the bathroom at work - don't ask me how I know :-). 

God is always there. Wanting to hear from us. No matter what our physical circumstances are, God is waiting for us to reach out to him.

Whether it's in fear, sadness, or joy - we are never alone when we put our trust in God.

New

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. 

-anne shirley, aka Anne of Green Gables

One of my favorite books and favorite characters of all time. Anne gets herself into - and out of - some serious scrapes during her life. She is amusing, smart, and kind. We should all endeavour to be like Anne. Even if sometimes we question her decision-making.

And she is right of course - every day dawns anew. A fresh sunrise to mark the start of the day. A new set of tasks or activities.

Buddha tells us:

Sunrise over the Presidential Mountain Range in N.H.

Indeed. Today is its own day. Our attitude upon the start of each day will dictate how that day will unfold.

Do we enter each day with a grateful heart? Or do we - as I have done this past week - enter the day with an out-of-sorts mind and grumpy heart.

Yes, I've worn my grumpy pants everyday this week. In truth it was a hard week.

The pace at work is relentless. Each passing month gets more fraught with tension and an endless list of stuff that needs to be done.

And done yesterday, if you can manage it. Thankyouverymuch.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. Everyone around me at the office is dealing with their own stress and the ridiculous demands placed upon each of us by an ever-changing landscape.

Ten years ago - you could work 2 years on a major project, deliver a stunning achievement, and bask in the glory of it all for at least 90 days.

Today? You get 2 months for that same level project, deliver the same stunning achievement. And when you do - everyone is already looking for the next big thing.

On one hand, it does suggest that employment is secure with a never-ending list of priorities, strategies, and deliverables that stretch out for years.

On the other hand, all of it leads to a chronically stressed workforce where common courtesies and respect have given way to workload and a self-centeredness that borders on narcissism among some.

Starting every day with gratitude - knowing what is coming during that day - is sometimes an act of courage.

Why not just acknowledge the hopelessness of ever getting ahead or even being able to celebrate an accomplishment. Trudge thru each day and end it - grateful that it's over.

But that's not what God wants for us, is it?

No. He wants us to be happy. To enjoy this one life that we all get. It is his particular joy to take on our burdens so why don't we give them to him before we put one foot on the floor?

He tells us in Lamentations that this is exactly what he wants us to do:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” -lamentations 3:22-24

It is here - in hope thru God - that we can find our gratitude. He is the reason we have breath in our lungs, sunshine in the sky, and earth under our feet.

Be like Anne Shirley - and treat every day as if it is brand new with no mistakes, no demands.

Save one - enter it with gratitude for God and the abundance of gifts he offers us each day.

Sneaking

I've spoken about this before. 

This is what I call sneaking back to the foot of the cross to take back the baggage we once left in that place.

Of course our human egos won't leave things alone. We think we can do better - than God?

Really?

There are so many mentions in the Bible about God being our strength, our salvation. Here are just two:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you" - the prophet isaiah, 41:10

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" - 2nd book of timothy, 1:7 

Everytime we pray we are asking God to renew his promises to us. And what do we do in return?

Slink, nay, skulk around behind his back and take up our crosses over and over again.

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." - psalm 59:16

Do we respond like the Psalmist when we feel like we are in over our heads? And whose fault is that exactly?

Ours because we can't leave well enough in God's hands.

This is, to me, the eternal - and sometimes impossible - struggle between our egos and God's love.

I am in the midst of this struggle right now - and I know I would prefer God's love to my own inadequate considerations.

It all feels like some spiritual warfare is going on within me.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." - 2 corinthians 10:3-5 (underlined emphasis mine)

There it is. The thing we should trust above all else. The thing that satan can't possibly achieve victory over.

Our weapon in this fight is the armor of God.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." -ephesians 6:13

It is God's love for us, his ceaseless desire to draw us closer to him, his greater strength in the face of evil. It is in these times of struggle against what we know to be true - that we must turn our faces to God.

Literally - raise your face upwards to the sky and allow his armor to envelope you like a second skin.

Covering you without any seams, without any gaps. Let God fill in the spaces of our hearts & souls so we can leave that baggage at the foot of the cross.

And walk confidently on the path of light that leads to God.

Feels like a circle doesn't it. A circle of life with God as our leader.

Circles

Here is a gorgeous morning prayer to start your days:

Dear God,

Thank you for granting me a new day.

Please forgive my mistakes and calm my mind.

Keep me safe today and fill my heart with peace.

May this day bring new joy and opportunities.

God, I love you.

Amen.

Oh yes indeed. This one hits - deep.

Talk about peaceful - one of the naves of the Hallgrimskirkja Cathedral in Iceland.

The safety part - that is a critical part of every day for me. I didn't feel safe, in general, for much of my life. In every way possible - physical, emotional, mind, heart, soul. Once I turned back to God - and every time I increase my prayer life - safety is the peace I feel.

Because to me - safety & peace are the same thing. To feel one is to feel the other.

Prayer always calms my mind. It almost feels redundant to pray and ask for calm. Yet - the calmness that descends when we pray does bring more calm to every area of our lives.

Funny how that works. God wants us to be close to him. The most everlasting peace we can hope for comes from him.

So praying - brings peace & calm to us for those moments. When we center our thoughts on God and let everything else fall away.

And the results of the prayer - bring more peace & calm.

What a lovely, never-ending circle of life.

Memories

LOVE

GOD is all about love. Throughout the Old Testament God speaks of his love for his people and his desire to hold them close to himself.  When establishing laws for them to follow, God speaks of love many times, most notably in Deuteronomy, 6:5:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

And in Leviticus 19:18:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

In the New Testament he continues with the same message through his son, Our Savior, Jesus Christ. In fact in the Gospels, Jesus quotes the 2 verses above when tested by the Scribes & Pharisees about which laws are the most important.

Love - is the most important.

And here is another verse, in the New Testament, that speaks of love. Boy oh boy is it a doozy.

This is an area I struggle with all the time. So much wrong was done to me in my childhood. Those wrongs - traumas - shaped who I am today. For good or ill. As I navigate my way through the recovery from all that trauma I find myself keeping records in my head.

All those traumas, dealt to me by the very people who should have protected me from any and all trauma. How do I not keep track?

I am aware that embedded in that verse above from 1 Corinthians is the difficult act of forgiveness.

Jesus deals us one whopper of a challenge, through the Apostle Peter:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'. -matthew 18:21-22

Now you and I can do the math (so could Saint Peter). That's 490 times to forgive one person for one wrong against us. Sounds like so much and I'm pretty sure that Jesus didn't expect us to keep count of the times we forgive that one person that one wrong.

I am also pretty sure what he meant was to continue to forgive as long as it takes for you to stop keeping track of the wrong itself.

And that is certainly my achilles heel; I'm certain it's yours as well. Our human egos don't make forgiveness an easy act.

In fact for me it's damned near impossible.

Now I am of the opinion that forgiveness is for myself and not for the person who is forgiven. The former should release me from the burden & pain. The latter would lead to reconciliation - and at least for me, that's not happening.

The tradition at this time of year is to set some goals - resolutions, if you prefer. So I set the first one for 2025:

'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'

With God's help, through daily prayer, I will get there if only to release myself from keeping track.

Amen.

Blessings

As 2024 comes to a close, I share this prayer with you. From my own beloved parish to your home.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Holy Father, on this final morning of 2024, we bow before you with hearts overflowing with gratitude. From the first day of January to this last day of December, your hand has sustained us, your grace has covered us, and your mercy has kept us. Thank You for the gift of life, the breath in our lungs, and the strength to stand in this moment.

Lord, we do not take this journey for granted. Through the storms and the sunshine, you have been our refuge. In times of joy and in moments of trial, you never left our side. Thank you for victories seen and unseen, for the battles you fought on our behalf, and for the peace you placed in our hearts.

As we close the chapter of 2024, we release every burden, every regret, and every fear. We step into the threshold of 2025 with hope and expectation. Father, let the new year come with blessings that overflow, favour that cannot be denied, and an anointing for greatness. May your hand be heavily upon us, guiding, protecting, and lifting us to higher ground.

We declare that 2025 will be a year of divine alignment, a year where we walk in purpose, where doors open at the sound of your voice, and where opportunities chase after us. Crown the new year with goodness, and let abundance follow us in every season.

Holy Spirit, go before us. Let your presence saturate 2025. Anoint our heads with oil, and may our cups run over with joy, peace, and prosperity. We shall not lack, and no harm shall befall us. May your favour rest upon our families, our homes, and everything our hands touch. Amen.

THE LORD BE WITH YOU;

AND WITH YOUR SPIRIT.

May the Almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen

*: image is of the plaza in front of the magnificent Hallgrímskirkja Cathedral in Reykjavik, Iceland.

Anchor

Anchor - let's define that word to start.

noun - a heavy object attached to a rope or chain and used to moor a vessel to the sea bottom, typically one having a metal shank with a ring at one end for the rope and a pair of curved and/or barbed flukes at the other.

verb - moor (a ship) to the sea bottom with an anchor.

To be specific for our purposes here - to be kept in place with no ability to drift. We are allowed movement in all directions but only from that single point of contact with the solid bottom.

The bedrock as it where. The foundation.

That movement is our free will. We all have choices we make every single day. Some don't allow that movement as we remain close to God. Some allow us to spin in endless circles as we chase our tails.

That is the human-ness in us. We are always a dichotomy. 

We want that closeness, that guidance that comes from God thru Jesus Christ. Yet sometimes we insist on taking things into our own hands - and we all know the results are rarely safe and don't usually allow us that solid anchoring. In fact, some of our choices totally unmoor us, setting us adrift in a sea of confusion and, if we are being honest, torment.

And when we finally give in and turn to God - the anchor is restored thru Jesus Christ. His sacrifice for us is that point, that weight that keeps us in place. We still have free will of course and we will, inevitably, turn to ourselves rather than to God. And back again.

The beauty part of this is that no matter how far we spin or drift from his anchor, Jesus will take us back; God will take us back. Because that kind of love is divine and just can't help itself.

The love of Christ and the love of God - want us as close to them as possible.

Not as humanly possible, but only in the possibilities that God offers.

Which are - endless comfort, endless boundless love.

*: the image above is at Reynisfjara Beach in Iceland; an example of the basalt columns & caves that are unique to Iceland.

God's Restoration

I am feeling sad.

It's a great weight that has settled on me.

The pain & suffering of another has brought me to this place. And I pray for them, as I pray for myself during this temporary period of darkness.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  

-psalm 34:17&18

Indeed, he does. In the midst of my own sadness & worry - I am doing my best to turn it over to God for him to take it away from my friend.

She is making incredibly difficult decisions in response to bad news. She is full of grace and is showing tremendous courage.

I believe God will hear her and heal her.

He must.

Because God is great & good.

Kindness

Kindness.

It is the simplest of things yet so many people just can't be bothered. Every interaction we have, big or small, long-term or fleeting - can be permanently marked by how we treat another person.

Since 2022 I have been quietly living my own "Year of Kindness". Trying to do my part to be kind even to those who may not deserve it.

Because, as the saying goes, we are all struggling with something.

This is, however, not to say that we should present ourselves as doormats. No indeed - even Jesus flipped tables when he saw epic wrongs.

This reappeared in a social media feed today - and I thought it was a good time to remind us all that being kind - is the simplest of gestures.

As Christians, it is an opportunity to let Christ shine out of our hearts - letting his light flow. I believe it is the unexpected kindness we gift to someone - all year long - that is our best way of showing people the goodness and mercy of God.

Joy

Joy - now that word has gotten a bit of a bum rap lately. So let's take it back to basics with a simple definition:

a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

See also - delight, jubilation, triumph, exultation, exuberance, glee...and so on. You get the picture.

Just one more - rejoice.

Now that one - hits today. As this is the third Sunday in Advent, it is also Gaudete Sunday...based on New Testament Scripture. For example:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice. Let your forbearance be known to all, for the Lord is near at hand; have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. - Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord...always.

As mere humans just how do we do that? This can be a rough time of year for people - I know it is for me.

The Holiday Blues are a real thing and they have settled on me like a lead weight.

We all have much to be grateful for; so many blessings if we only stop and let those settle on us.

Air in our lungs. Blue skies. Raindrops. Breezes. Sunrise. Sunset. Beautiful birds. A home. 

Whatever our circumstances those are but a tiny fraction of the blessings we experience daily. Yet...when the sorrows of life surface and descend, how do we find God in those saddest of moments?

(In a fit of cleaning & decluttering recently I unearthed an old Advent devotional from 2014 and it has captured me fully.) According to the Christian author and Vatican Prelate, Robert F. Morneau, in this newly discovered book - "Waiting in Joyful Hope": 

"Despite the slings and arrows of life, God's abiding presence makes visible a joy-filled disposition."

And what can we do to recognize this abiding presence?

Simple.

Prayer.

And I mean that literally - simple prayer. Formal prayers are very nice. They are liturgically "correct", however much that might mean to each of us. 

As Fr. Morneau suggests:

"Prayer is communion and communication with God. In this dialogue we experience a "mutual presence" and share our common joys and sorrows."

He goes on to say that if we... 

"...never cease praying, we enter a frame of mind by which we refer all our thoughts and actions to the indwelling presence of God. ... All is gift; all is grace."

Ceaseless prayer isn't about the form of the prayer. In truth, I believe there are no rules about our prayers, not really. God wants us near to him and we can only achieve that thru prayer.

As I am haunted by all the "what could have beens" and "what should have beens" at this time of year, I need to remember that my joy is found within prayer to God.

He is always there, even if my prayers rant & rave about all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" of life. And this requires a suspension of ego, the acknowledgment that God is in charge.

Not me. Never have been; never will be.

And if you really think about it, there is a freedom in taking that to your heart. To admit that we humans mess things up, that we suffer the "slings & arrows of life" as part of that human experience.

And God is there - always - waiting to take on those sorrows, those burdens, so we can experience his indwelling...

...and feel the true Joy of the season.

Amen.

Footnote: I love that a Vatican Prelate uses a partial quote from Shakespeare - and Hamlet, no less - to bring home our human-ness:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.

As is always the case with Shakespeare, there is so much to unpack there. To place it squarely in the midst of a charge to pray ceaselessly, is simple brilliant.

Get Ready to Par-Tay!

And we continue with the rebellion that got its start in my teen years and really ramped up when I went away to college. While this part may not talk about being Christadelphian specifically, I shine a light on how I acted out against all the restrictions I had lived under until this time.

In truth, I see now that God was with me even when I had started to move away from him. He proved over and over that he was watching over me thru my survival of some pretty risky behavior. These times of my life are proof of the old adage - "there but for the grace of God, go I".

Jim and me Sept 1982 - heading out to a semi-formal dance @ college

College, Part 1

The college years were memorable on so many levels. Firstly, and most importantly, I met my future husband, Jim. Secondly, I had the critical away -from-home experiences that all those in their late teens should have. It is a time of deep learning - both how to do things and how not to do things. One of those how not to do things was - party. Party hardy was the motto of my college campus and boy oh boy, did I rise to that challenge.

There is a particular point to the partying that is necessary to explain - seniors had no classes on Thursdays. As you can imagine, with seniors ruling our small rural campus, Wednesdays were the biggest party nights, second only to Fridays. We had a bar on-campus that would serve anyone with a campus ID. So at least we didn’t drink & drive.

Conversely, as a freshman, in my first semester I had an 8:00am class every Thursday. And it was just my luck to be Calculus - my absolutely worst class in every possible way. To face that on a Thursday AM was akin to a form of torture. To face it after a night of partying at the biggest beer drop in the region was a recipe for failure. Which…in the end it almost was a literal failure. I squeaked by that class by the tiniest margin due to some intense tutoring I paid for myself in preparation for the year’s final exam.

Anyway, as a small private college, 95% of the students came from families of financial means. And about 50% of those had bottomless bank accounts - they funded all the parties, bless their wealthy hearts. Truthfully, this cohort of students were some of the nicest people I had met at that time. Generous to a fault, kind hearted, and completely accepting of everyone’s situation in life. 

We also had students who worked on campus to help pay for their educations. Jim was one of those plus he lived at home, being only 5 miles from campus. I was in-between, living on-campus and going home every weekend to work part time. So, Wednesday nights were my only time to partake in the epic number of parties that included free alcohol and, yes, free drugs. 

It was at one of these parties that I engineered meeting Jim in the second semester. By this time my Calculus class was no longer at 8:00am on Thursdays, and it is in that class where I first saw Jim. Let me tell you…love at first sight is a real thing. I had it bad for him. When I learned we had a mutual friend, I pressed that friend to host a party for the singular purpose of meeting Jim.

It was a blind date for him, not for me. We both leaned into this budding relationship, indulging in all the drinking and drugs we could get our hands on in that semester. Plus, the usual activities one engages in while living away from home.

To say I had forsaken my first year of higher education would be a vast understatement. When I say I squeaked by that Calculus class that is really sugar coating it a bit. While I didn’t fail any classes I didn’t exactly apply myself either. I was more dedicated to deepening my rebellion than anything else.

I still had to go home on weekends to work so I was largely controlled by my parents and their expectations. Especially going to church on Sundays. Held fast to the Christadelphian ideals I pushed and kicked at it all whenever I could. But my parents kept a tight rein on my movements, so my opportunities were slim. Even on Sunday evenings if there was a church talk, I was expected to be there then I could drive back to college. I’d arrive at my dorm at 10:00pm, just in time to crawl under the covers and sleep.

Yet I treasured my rebellion. Away from my parents and their abusive control (this went beyond the restrictions of the family’s faith; my parents were physically & emotionally abusive to me as well) I thrived socially, learning how to be independent in the only way a teen still relying on parental funds could be. Thru parties and covert activities. 

Of course, I paid for it all in the end. My first college transcript was a dismal disappointment. I am not proud of that part of my rebellion. I wasted my freshman year of higher education. My parents gave me the gift of a fully funded college experience - with my part-time work paying for gas in my car and any personal expenses on-campus. And I shamefully threw it back at them by getting a final grade which enraged them and humiliated me. I knew I was better than that and made the mature decision to live at home in my sophomore year, working more hours after classes and on weekends.

And I worked on my relationship with Jim. As mentioned previously, he was a little later to embrace the whole thing. But in the end my "sparkling charm" wore him down, poor thing. I regret nothing.

Rebellion

As mentioned about 12 weeks ago I am embarking on writing my "memoirs". Which sounds so arrogant as to be laughable.

Yet, here we are. Me writing it all down, you reading it. 

It's been slow going. Some of that is just the demands of daily life. Some of the slowness is my own procrastination. I want to do this yet the recall of my life, putting "pen to paper", is not the happiest of experiences.

In fact...it is quite painful. And yet I still feel that call from God to do this. And so I pray and continue to dig in.

Spiritual Ruler

Well now here is a question to percolate thru our systems.

 

Sink your teeth into that. One to God.

Just how do we measure the challenges we face when we put God into the equation? Where does God enter into our problem-solving activities?

How about...

...the alpha & the omega... -revelation 22:13

Start with God. End with God. And put God in the middle as well. It is the perfect solution to any challenge.

What If

As we enter into the "thankful" time of year - I am reminded that there is always something to be thankful for.

Never miss a moment to Thank God for all the blessings in our lives. That's the easy part.

The hard part is thanking God for the trials in our lives. Those moments when we might question if God is actually listening.

When we enter that kind of season - life just doesn't seem to go right for us. Stuff breaks, challenges seem never-ending. In the midst of this struggle it is nearly impossible to find the learnings we need to absorb.

To be thankful for these crosses that we bear is the antithesis of what feels right. Our fragile egos can't comprehend that we should have gratitude in our hearts.

All of which reminds me of my most favorite modern Christian song "Blessings" by Laura Story.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

Indeed - what if. 

• If we can set aside our egos long enough to hear God.
• If we allow God into our quiet spaces.
• If we let our vulnerability show.

That's so many "ifs". Yet...we know that our Lord will comfort us. In fact, he does even if we don't ask. 

Yet if we do ask - if we recognize the lessons, the deep healing, that is embedded within our trials - we open ourselves up to his great mercy - his greater love.

And there is nothing more that should make us thankful then the love of God.

Amen.

Our Warrior

Do you ever get tired of the daily grind? The endless demands on your time & energy. Whether that be at work, at home, or elsewhere in your life. Don't you want to set those burdens down?

Of course you do. Who wouldn't?

Well - guess what. We have the most powerful warrior the universe will ever know...walking right by our side, just waiting for us to turn to him and say...

Lord, please help me.

Or some variation of the same.

Don't be shy about it. Shout it out if you need to. Yell, scream, holler - or whisper it so that your words are almost silent. Just a faint breath on the breeze.

God won't think you are angry with him. And no matter how softly (or loudly) you say it - he will hear you. He always does.

He already knows you are overburdened, worn out, your insides mush from being wrung dry on a daily basis. All he wants from us is to turn to him in times of trouble. (Or happiness - to be thankful for the abundance.)

Even if those burdens don't magically disappear - the demanding boss, the financial concerns, the trials of life - giving them to God always feels good.

Because he is our Warrior.