Spiritual Ruler

Well now here is a question to percolate thru our systems.

 

Sink your teeth into that. One to God.

Just how do we measure the challenges we face when we put God into the equation? Where does God enter into our problem-solving activities?

How about...

...the alpha & the omega... -revelation 22:13

Start with God. End with God. And put God in the middle as well. It is the perfect solution to any challenge.

God's Hands

 This is truth. Abundant truth.

I have powerful testimony that proves this simple statement.

We are going back to 2010. I was at possibly the lowest point of my life. Nothing was going right. So much turmoil. So much sadness.

I had been away from church for about 15 years. No more Christadelphian meetings, no praying, nothing. I didn't stop believing in God and yet...I started questioning everything about him. The personal crisis that started in 2009 had crescendoed to a feverish state of mind.

After a year of intense sorrow, the hubby & I started talking about, of all things, going back to church.

No one was more shocked than me.

Now - we love the city of Boston. It is one of our favorite places anywhere and we try to get there several times each year. In early 2010 we planned a mini-break holiday in that great place. Bougie hotel, great meals, lots of walking and people watching.

And a visit to St. Leonard's Church in the North End of the city. We went there every time we went to Boston to light a candle for Heather Smith. She was the daughter of old friends and she perished on Flight 11 on 9/11/01. Despite not being particularly religious during those years we honored Heather and her parents.

So we went to St. Leonard's during our weekend away. I was more curious about this Catholic church than any time in the past given that we were thinking about going back to church. And the Christadelphian faith was definitely not on the list.

Growing up in a non-aesthetic Christian faith I had no familiarity with Saints. I knew nothing about them and certainly never saw any physical representations of them.

St. Leonard's in Boston is a classic 19th century Italianate church. Built entirely by the Italian immigrants living in the North End, it is lavish with coffered ceilings, gold leaf everywhere, and elaborate statuary all around the church. So many saint statues that they stood, literally, shoulder-to-shoulder.

I had never explored them before but this time, March 2010, I felt compelled to walk up to each one. I felt one of those saints calling to me. One of them had something important to tell me, I could feel it in my bones.

So I began walking around the church, stopping in front of each statue and asking - are you the one? I'd wait a minute or so, then move on when I felt nothing.

Until I came to a distinctly unique statue. Tall, wearing armor and holding a pennant***. Like all the others, I paused and asked - are you the one?

The next few moments are burned into my memory. I can see this like it is happening right in front of me at this moment.

I was pushed - literally - to kneel in front of this statue. There is no doubt in my mind that the hand of God gently forced me to the cushioned kneeler. If there wasn't a kneeler, I'm sure I'd have gone prostrate on the floor.

I prayed as I never have in my entire life. And cried - I didn't know a human being could cry that much in one place at one time.

I have no recollection how much time passed. Hubby just let me do what I needed to do. He stayed near me but didn't speak to me. He respected what was happening to me. He was then, and remains today, my steady loving rock.

Eventually I stood back up, dried my messy face, and sat in the church for a good long time. Just sat there - quietly praying some more.

On the ride home from Boston that evening we talked about what happened. What it felt like physically. And emotionally.

I was exhausted in every way possible. Overwhelmed by the experience and reeling from the very clear message. From God himself.

Go back to church my child. You need me. I need you.

Startling to say the least. The following weekend was Easter. And as we were in our driveway on Easter Sunday, prepared to drive an hour to hubby's parents, we clearly heard church bells. We'd never heard them before in the 20+ years we'd live in our home.

Saints. Kneeling. God's voice. Church bells.

You just don't ignore all that. The weekend after Easter we started going back to church. Our plan was to try the "Big 3" in our country town - Lutheran, Catholic, Episcopal. We started with the Catholic Church for 2 reasons: 1) hubby was born Catholic and 2) God told me to go back to church while I was in a Catholic church.

And so our faith journey began. Because God laid his hands on me.

And it's true - I haven't ever been the same since.

Amen.

*** There is an amusing side-story to this saint statue. In my heightened emotional state I saw this statue with the armor and spear as - female. Research immediately after that visit told me it was - Joan of Arc. Now I knew her story but not the details. So I read everything I could find about her. And ultimately selected her as my Patron Saint when I joined the Catholic Church. Fast forward another couple of years and in speaking with one of hubby's Aunts - discovered that the saint statue I knelt before was distinctly male - The Archangel Michael.

I based my conversion to Catholicism, in part, on the misidentification of a saint statue. To this day it makes me smile at the private joke I feel God had for me. I'm not sure I would have responded so viscerally if I'd recognized the statue as St. Michael. Yet upon a revisit some years later it was so obvious the statue is male...abs under the armor, well-defined legs...and that pennant? It was a spear, going thru the heart of a demon at St. Michael's feet.

Just writing all that - makes me laugh.

Sunday Prayer

My God I come to take your touch before I begin my day. Let my beautiful eyes rest upon your beautiful eyes for a while. Let me take into my day the assurance of your friendship. Fill my mind to last through the desert of noise.

Let your blessed sunshine flood the peaks and valleys of my soul, so that I may be loving and strong for anyone who may need me this day.

In the name of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

Spotlight

As I continue to consider putting pen to paper about my faith journey I am butting up against some seriously dark places along the way.

The journey I took started with one of the most disastrous moments in my adult life, taking me on an unwelcome whirlwind into deep forests of fear and pain.

And on the other side of all that - came God. Shining thru like a beacon, like the supreme being he always was and always will be.

Indeed. God's grace was always there as we are never alone. And his grace brings with it illumination into the dimmest reaches of our lives.

God's spotlight makes it impossible for the pain to hide in the shadows. And even better - that spotlight banishes the pain.

All you have to do it bend your knees - and ask.

I know I used this image last week. Hit me just as hard today as it did a week ago.

A Picture

 

How many times do we do this? We pray, we seek God - and totally miss that he is there, all the time, all around us. There is that old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Maybe a flower is worth 10,000 words from God. Because the perfection of a single flower communicates so much about how much God cares for everything he created.

Including us.

For truly - we are never alone.

(image shamelessly stolen from a friend's Facebook page)

On Forgiveness

All of life is a process of some kind. From the simple process of getting a driver's license to the challenges you face while grieving. The spectrum is wide, deep, and long. 

The process of forgiveness - is all those things and more. I have grieved people who have died. And I find the ability to forgive to be far more difficult than grieving.

I am in a season of my life where forgiving people is paramount to my ability to move forward. I have so much anger against these people - and rightfully so. And yet I am holding onto that anger, thinking it keeps me safe.

And all it does is hold me hostage to those people. And trust me - what they have done is truly unforgivable.

Yet...here I am. In a deep dark hole of anger & rage. It has become something larger than myself and it is holding me back from some deep personal healing and growth.

So I am doing research on forgiveness, thru the lens of a Christian. We all know that, as Christians, it is our duty & obligation to forgive others as God has forgiven us.

In the Bible, the Greek word “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”. Holding on to my anger is definitely not letting go of anything at all.

The Bible tells us this is very clear terms:

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:14

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." - Hebrews 8:12

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” - Colossians 3:13

There are more but you get the idea.

If I don't find my way to forgiveness God will deny me entry into the Kingdom, into Heaven itself.

Yeah - this is pretty serious for a Christian.

If I am to live my life in a Christian way, then I must find the path to forgive people who really don't deserve it. Add in the fact that I will only be doing this for myself; there is no way for me to actually approach them and offer them my forgiveness. And I know their response would be rejection - yet that is not the Christian point, now is it.

I feel like I'm walking a fine line here. I'm supposed to actually forgive them - one of them is dead. And the other I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years. For all I know, she may well be dead too. 

Plus I have no wish to be in that presence again. To welcome that toxicity & violence into my life again. It really is she who should be asking me for forgiveness. And therein lies another conundrum for me - even if she did ask me, would I be able to forgive her for the unforgivable?

Daunting...is the word that comes to mind.

And then in my research this morning I found this:

The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since “...it keeps no record of wrongs...” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiving others means letting go of resentment and giving up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered. from LAChristianCounseling website

And further, this gem appeared like the gift from God that it clearly is:

"If you've given up the right to get even with your offender, that's forgiveness. If your loss still hurts, that's normal anger that will exist as long as you feel the loss. As you come to accept the loss and move on with your life, the anger will slowly dissipate." from KerriCoaching, a Christian life-coaching website

This one reminded me that I did pray for all of them at the Easter Vigil this year. I felt called, by God, to do that. And as much as I resisted I couldn't ignore that clear call for prayer. I had forgotten about this until today.

I have a long road ahead of me to reach this state of forgiveness, this state of letting go. Of not feeling the pain of decades of torment & abuse. God is listening to me (as he always does, even if we aren't fully aware) and is already granting me visions & very clear messages.

The key to all this is - to pay attention to what God wants me to know. I already know the work he wants me to do here is coming to forgiveness.

This is my soul's purpose right now. My one goal in life. Because if I don't come to a state of forgiveness, I fear I will be trapped as a hostage to these people - and that is the last thing I want to do with the rest of my life.

Saturday Symphony

Stars. The cosmos.

They have always fascinated me since I was a little girl. Gazing into the dark heavens, identifying the constellations, the chance view of a shooting star, the full moon. Such things are the sight of my dreams in 3D.

Even now I gaze heavenward every clear night. And with modern technology I have apps that will tell me what stars I'm seeing, which planet is visible, even where the Milky Way is during the summer of the northern hemisphere.

As a human being, I am humbled by these vistas. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, the stars are always there - an epic expanse of limitless imaginings.

As a Christian, I am humbled knowing that my God created that vastness. His hand is there every night showing us his majesty thru the twinkling of light that is ageless.

I return once again to one of my favorite Christian rock bands - Skillet. Their normal hard-driving sound thrums thru my very soul almost burning me with their energy & strength.

Then they write and perform a gem like this one - Stars. 

The deepest depths, the darkest nights
Can't separate, can't keep me from Your sight
I get so lost, forget my way
But still You love and You don't forget my name

Written for the movie - The Shack - which is based on a book written by William Paul Young about a man's experiences after the horrible kidnapping & death of his daughter. Falling into a pit of despair, the man receives a note from God, who calls him to the very location where his daughter was murdered. The man's faith is wobbly, to say the least, and his time with The Trinity - God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit - help him come to terms with his devastating loss. The depiction of these three pillars of Christianity is modern and somehow very real.

Anyway - Stars is one of those songs that digs deep into my heart. Once again it reminds us that God is always there - even when we fall into the pit and can't find our way out. If we turn to God - he will give us the light we need and the helping hand to lift us up.

If You can hold the stars in place
You can hold my heart the same
Whenever I fall away
Whenever I start to break
So here I am, lifting up my heart

Think of it - God's mighty hands holding up each star. The infinite numbers of those pretty twinkling lights held in place by a being who is so vast he knows no space or time.

God just - is.

Lift up your hearts my friends. God will be there to hold you in place. 

Saturday Symphony

This post is a little difficult for me.  Yet it's been brewing within me for weeks now and it's time it saw the light of day. 

I grew up in a fundamental Christian faith.  If you knew the name and looked it up you would find it in a top 10 list of cults.  And that's not far from the truth.  One of those branches of Christianity who claim all the promises of Jesus' resurrection - for themselves.  They had then, and still do have, an unhealthy obsession with the Catholic Church.  They see anyone in that group as lost, fallen, beyond salvation unless there is a conversion to, you guessed, it - their branch of Christianity.  To them, everything that has ever gone wrong in the world is the fault of the Catholic Church.  If you aren't a believer with them, then you are dead.  Just - dead.

Sadly, I have family still in this faith and I am, in every real way, dead to them. 

For many reasons, chief among them their exclusionary practices, I left that faith over 25 years ago. Eleven years ago God began calling to me (or rather - he'd been calling the entire time and I only started listening at that moment...) to return to his love, to receive his grace, and to be saved from the spiritual desert in which I had wandered for far too long.

And so the search began - and ended, in all places, in a loving, accepting faith community in -  Catholicism.

No one could have been more surprised than I.  With my faith background it wasn't an easy conversion.  And yet I have no regrets; I've never looked back.

But some things from that childhood church-going remain.  Like my favorite hymn.  You won't find this particular arrangement in many places.  In fact the Episcopalians have the most common arrangement known as "Kingfold".

This - is what I sang growing up.  And it still moves my heart & soul as much as it did 40+ years ago.

The 3rd, and final verse, says all that needs to be said: