Once More

Hello friends. It's been a full year since I posted in this space. SO much has happened. As I alluded in my last post of April 6, 2025 - there was tons going on and not much of it good.

My darling, beloved hubby was diagnosed with cancer in March 2025. The world's rarest cancer - 
Sarcoma. They represent just 1% of all cancers diagnosed each year. And to add to the rarity, Sarcomas have 50 sub-types. 50. Five. Zero. Jim's specific cancer was a Liposarcoma - a fat cell run amuk. Talk about vanishingly rare.

And to make it just that much more traumatic - in a location that 8 Chief Oncologists in 4 different hospitals - had never seen before.

Yeah, we skipped to the head of the line and only saw "Chiefs" during this journey. From a well-respected hospital in Hartford, CT to the world renowned Dana-Farber Cancer Institute to the also world-renowned MA General Hospital. Oh yeah, and I can't forget the world famous Smilow Cancer Institute at Yale New Haven Hospital.

So the very happy news is - he is fine. So far so good, no recurrence and no spread. He will be screened every 3 months for the next 5 years, then every 6 months for another 10 years, then annually for the rest of his life.

Talk about the wake-up call no one wants. And pretty much the ultimate test of our faith. Hubby leaned into that pretty quickly. Surrendered it all to God in an act of breathtaking faith and trust. He stills feels that way, one year later. God had him in His hands and all would be well.

The testing of my faith - continues right to this moment. My ability to trust is nearly non-existent. A childhood filled with abuse and an adulthood marred by ongoing manipulations...will do that to a person.

I am the kind of person who doesn't just have a Plan A - I also have a B, C, and D (at least) for everything. I must anticipate all possible outcomes so I can be prepared.

Except nothing prepares you for when your beloved spouse's life is threatened. No matter how many plans I made, no matter how much work I did to ensure all appointments, tests, etc...were accounted for and solidly set-up, confirmed, and communicated - it was never enough to rid me of my fear.

That I would lose him to cancer. 

Yet despite all my best efforts to plan - every single corner had "other plans" waiting for me. More tests, massive radiation treatment plans, and a surgery that would result in a permanent physical deficit for him.

And again, he showed me what real faith looks like. He never once complained. Oh he cried a bit here and there. He got extremely frustrated with himself. Yet his faith in God's plans for him never wavered. There was no wobble. Just his steadfast belief that God had everything in control.

Me? Not so much.

I prayed all day every day for hubby's safety thru all this. For the surgical outcome to be the best it could be given the circumstances. I had faith enough to pray to God.

I didn't believe though. Didn't believe that he would take hubby thru it and out the other side - if not whole then whole-enough. Safe & healthy.

And here we are - 13 months post-diagnosis, 8 months post-radiation, 7 months post-op - and hubby is thriving. Adjusting to his "new normal". Living his life. His new-found life.

{This new life is FAR better than the first option presented by Dana Farber. The tumor was on the largest muscle in your body - the one that controls your ability to lift your leg from the hip and allow you to raise & bend that leg from the knee. The muscle was so compromised by the tumor that it could not be saved. Full removal was the only option. With the critical nerves involved, Dana Farber advocated full amputation of his leg, at the hip. They even used the words "dire situation" to describe it. (Even a year after that appointment, we are not over the trauma it caused.) Ironically, they recommended a 2nd opinion from MA General Hospital; they doubled-down on their recommendation by saying we needed to "hear it from someone else". We pursued that 2nd opinion and found a masterful surgeon, physician, and human being at MA General. He was stunned at the Dana Farber plan and assured us it would not be necessary. Thanks be to God (yeah, more irony for me) he was right. With a couple of physical limitations, hubby kept his leg and it functions pretty well. As the surgeon said:  You'll walk - it won't be pretty but it will be on your own 2 legs.}

Me? I remain a work in progress. I still pray everyday but it's changed a bit - for God's mercy to heal me, to help me accept that God is in control. And that no matter what happens, God still wants the best for us.

A friend recently said this: Sometimes I think there are 2 options for Purgatory - the one we all know about - you die and go to Purgatory to be purified. The other - you go thru Purgatory in your lifetime and don't face it after your death.

I rather like that POV.

P.S. I shall be starting up blogging again. :-) 

Healed

So...it's been awhile. Lots going on, some of it great and some it not good at all. And we turn to prayer as often as possible. For the good to continue and for God's mercy on the not good.

During Mass last night I was struck, as I usually am, by the phrase we say after consecration:

Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

These words are taken straight from the Gospel of St. Matthew, Chapter 8, verse 8. Spoken by a Roman Centurion as he pled for Jesus to heal his servant. The idea of a Roman submitting to the will of God thru Jesus is as much an oxymoron today as it must have been for Jesus. Due to the Centurion's humility, Jesus healed his servant.

These words are now the final Eucharistic prayer in the Mass, recited before receiving Holy Communion, expressing humility and gratitude for the gift of Christ.

For me, it is the words "...my soul shall be healed." (In the verse in Matthew this is about the Centurion indicating that if Jesus only says the word his servant will be healed.)

Not might be.

Not could be.

Shall be...

As a Christadelphian I was always told God's mercy and my salvation were something up for debate. In the presence of Jesus on the last day my repentance might not be enough for my healing.

Imagine growing up with that in your head. You had to be "good" and if you sinned, repent as you went thru life. Asking for God's forgiveness. But on judgement day...well let's just say things could go awry swiftly and permanently.

As I studied to convert to Catholicism we spent a class focusing on the Eucharistic portion of the Mass. Prayers, consecration, receiving Communion. We had readings to do prior to each class. For this lesson it was the history of the Eucharist, the origins of the prayers, and our conduct during Mass. When I came to that line...

It rocked my foundations. To the depth of my being - I remember having to stop the study session at home so I could gather myself. I broke down sobbing and couldn't continue.

All my life, up to that point, I truly believed that no matter what I did I might never have eternal life.

And there, in black & white, from the mouth of a Roman and recorded by St. Matthew - was my salvation.

Five simple words. Five short syllables. It was there the whole time. During my time as a Christadelphian I know I heard that reading every year. Not once did anyone call that out for what it is - our redemption thru our faith in Jesus Christ.

I recall feeling - betrayed by my family. Betrayed by all the people I had trusted as a child. They terrorized me with their exhortations and sunday school. They took the words of Jesus and surrounded them with a cloud of fear.

Imagine what that did to me as a child. A vulnerable, abused kid/teenager looking for mercy wherever I could find it because I sure as heck didn't get it at home. 

Imagine what that did to me as 40-something adult. A still vulnerable seeker, trying to heal from all that abuse, praying for some kind of intervention for absolution.

And there it was - staring at me from every Bible I had ever touched or read.

And oh the irony. For a class to convert to Catholicism to show that to me so clearly, while the almighty Christadelphians still believe that everything bad in the world is because of the Catholic Church and believe they have the corner on the market of Bible interpretation.

When no interpretation is required. The words are there - they always have been.

Just like God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We are never alone.

Sneaking

I've spoken about this before. 

This is what I call sneaking back to the foot of the cross to take back the baggage we once left in that place.

Of course our human egos won't leave things alone. We think we can do better - than God?

Really?

There are so many mentions in the Bible about God being our strength, our salvation. Here are just two:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you" - the prophet isaiah, 41:10

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" - 2nd book of timothy, 1:7 

Everytime we pray we are asking God to renew his promises to us. And what do we do in return?

Slink, nay, skulk around behind his back and take up our crosses over and over again.

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." - psalm 59:16

Do we respond like the Psalmist when we feel like we are in over our heads? And whose fault is that exactly?

Ours because we can't leave well enough in God's hands.

This is, to me, the eternal - and sometimes impossible - struggle between our egos and God's love.

I am in the midst of this struggle right now - and I know I would prefer God's love to my own inadequate considerations.

It all feels like some spiritual warfare is going on within me.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." - 2 corinthians 10:3-5 (underlined emphasis mine)

There it is. The thing we should trust above all else. The thing that satan can't possibly achieve victory over.

Our weapon in this fight is the armor of God.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." -ephesians 6:13

It is God's love for us, his ceaseless desire to draw us closer to him, his greater strength in the face of evil. It is in these times of struggle against what we know to be true - that we must turn our faces to God.

Literally - raise your face upwards to the sky and allow his armor to envelope you like a second skin.

Covering you without any seams, without any gaps. Let God fill in the spaces of our hearts & souls so we can leave that baggage at the foot of the cross.

And walk confidently on the path of light that leads to God.

Feels like a circle doesn't it. A circle of life with God as our leader.

Anchor

Anchor - let's define that word to start.

noun - a heavy object attached to a rope or chain and used to moor a vessel to the sea bottom, typically one having a metal shank with a ring at one end for the rope and a pair of curved and/or barbed flukes at the other.

verb - moor (a ship) to the sea bottom with an anchor.

To be specific for our purposes here - to be kept in place with no ability to drift. We are allowed movement in all directions but only from that single point of contact with the solid bottom.

The bedrock as it where. The foundation.

That movement is our free will. We all have choices we make every single day. Some don't allow that movement as we remain close to God. Some allow us to spin in endless circles as we chase our tails.

That is the human-ness in us. We are always a dichotomy. 

We want that closeness, that guidance that comes from God thru Jesus Christ. Yet sometimes we insist on taking things into our own hands - and we all know the results are rarely safe and don't usually allow us that solid anchoring. In fact, some of our choices totally unmoor us, setting us adrift in a sea of confusion and, if we are being honest, torment.

And when we finally give in and turn to God - the anchor is restored thru Jesus Christ. His sacrifice for us is that point, that weight that keeps us in place. We still have free will of course and we will, inevitably, turn to ourselves rather than to God. And back again.

The beauty part of this is that no matter how far we spin or drift from his anchor, Jesus will take us back; God will take us back. Because that kind of love is divine and just can't help itself.

The love of Christ and the love of God - want us as close to them as possible.

Not as humanly possible, but only in the possibilities that God offers.

Which are - endless comfort, endless boundless love.

*: the image above is at Reynisfjara Beach in Iceland; an example of the basalt columns & caves that are unique to Iceland.

Joy

Joy - now that word has gotten a bit of a bum rap lately. So let's take it back to basics with a simple definition:

a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

See also - delight, jubilation, triumph, exultation, exuberance, glee...and so on. You get the picture.

Just one more - rejoice.

Now that one - hits today. As this is the third Sunday in Advent, it is also Gaudete Sunday...based on New Testament Scripture. For example:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice. Let your forbearance be known to all, for the Lord is near at hand; have no anxiety about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. - Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord...always.

As mere humans just how do we do that? This can be a rough time of year for people - I know it is for me.

The Holiday Blues are a real thing and they have settled on me like a lead weight.

We all have much to be grateful for; so many blessings if we only stop and let those settle on us.

Air in our lungs. Blue skies. Raindrops. Breezes. Sunrise. Sunset. Beautiful birds. A home. 

Whatever our circumstances those are but a tiny fraction of the blessings we experience daily. Yet...when the sorrows of life surface and descend, how do we find God in those saddest of moments?

(In a fit of cleaning & decluttering recently I unearthed an old Advent devotional from 2014 and it has captured me fully.) According to the Christian author and Vatican Prelate, Robert F. Morneau, in this newly discovered book - "Waiting in Joyful Hope": 

"Despite the slings and arrows of life, God's abiding presence makes visible a joy-filled disposition."

And what can we do to recognize this abiding presence?

Simple.

Prayer.

And I mean that literally - simple prayer. Formal prayers are very nice. They are liturgically "correct", however much that might mean to each of us. 

As Fr. Morneau suggests:

"Prayer is communion and communication with God. In this dialogue we experience a "mutual presence" and share our common joys and sorrows."

He goes on to say that if we... 

"...never cease praying, we enter a frame of mind by which we refer all our thoughts and actions to the indwelling presence of God. ... All is gift; all is grace."

Ceaseless prayer isn't about the form of the prayer. In truth, I believe there are no rules about our prayers, not really. God wants us near to him and we can only achieve that thru prayer.

As I am haunted by all the "what could have beens" and "what should have beens" at this time of year, I need to remember that my joy is found within prayer to God.

He is always there, even if my prayers rant & rave about all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" of life. And this requires a suspension of ego, the acknowledgment that God is in charge.

Not me. Never have been; never will be.

And if you really think about it, there is a freedom in taking that to your heart. To admit that we humans mess things up, that we suffer the "slings & arrows of life" as part of that human experience.

And God is there - always - waiting to take on those sorrows, those burdens, so we can experience his indwelling...

...and feel the true Joy of the season.

Amen.

Footnote: I love that a Vatican Prelate uses a partial quote from Shakespeare - and Hamlet, no less - to bring home our human-ness:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.

As is always the case with Shakespeare, there is so much to unpack there. To place it squarely in the midst of a charge to pray ceaselessly, is simple brilliant.

Contemplation

Something big has been on my heart for a long time now. I've approached it many times and each time was rebuffed by my own fear and trepidation. 

I have now dipped my toes into the vast ocean that is...my faith journey. Meaning putting it in writing. A memoir of sorts.

I don't pretend to be any sort of writer at all. Except that I do enjoy it and there can be healing in the action of writing down your own story. Even if it's only ever for yourself.

Yet there is this part of me that thinks - maybe my story can help someone else navigate theirs. 

Is that ego? Or hope? 

And so it is with my story. God is at the center of it - even though for two thirds of that time I was utterly unaware of his presence in any real way. God remained with me during the deepest, darkest times of a young life thru the darkest times of an adult life - and every weigh station in between.

I feel like I need to honor him by speaking my truths. Even if my voice shakes a bit.

Right now my thoughts are a jumble of what to write and where to put that bit of history in relation to the other bits. For now it's just isolated experiences. At some point I will need to combine them somehow, or at least that's what my research tells me.

My prayers - well right now I'm asking God to help me get it all out; we'll sort it out when the times comes. And yes, I mean "we" - God and me. With every chapter, paragraph, and word - my prayers will be ongoing for God's love & grace to guide me.

And so - without further preamble or excuses - I bare it all with the first few paragraphs of my faith history. 

On Being Christadelphian - Pt. 1

My faith history needs a bit of context. My mother grew up in the Congregational Church, my father was a Wesley Methodist. I remember being told they went to church every Sunday. I am not aware of their involvement beyond attending services.  After they got engaged, they met someone who introduced them to the Christadelphian branch of Christianity. Something clicked for them and together they took the necessary classes, converted, and were married in that faith. They even brought in my father’s parents after their wedding. My mother’s parents didn’t convert. Their reasons are lost to time.

Christadelphian - Brothers in Christ - are a special breed of Christian. In the most basic terms, they are a fundamentalist faith observing a strict interpretation of the Bible, which they believe is inspired by God rather than written by men. Their churches - ecclesias - are independent of each other, managed by a group of elected men - brothers - who handle everything from building maintenance to investments of donations. They reject the idea of a Trinity, they believe Jesus Christ, in his human form, was not divine, and they wait for that day when Christ returns to Earth to establish his Father’s Kingdom. They believe as strongly in the Old Testament as the New Testament. Believers call it “The Truth”. Salvation is thru reading scripture alone, or sola scriptura.

And they believe The Truth is for just them. No other Christian, or other form of faith except the Jews, will have the opportunity to inherit God's Kingdom. With regard to Judaism - as the favored people of God, they get a "free pass" from Christadelphians. Any other Christian faith will be found lacking on Judgement Day per Christadelphians. Because these other branches don't read the Bible to the strictest degree that Christadelphians do. Plus no other Bible study is good enough when compared to the Christadelphian Bible reading program, wherein you read the Old Testament once and the New Testament twice per calendar year.

The Christadelphian faith was founded in 1848 by a doctor from England. In small part this was in response to the Radical Reformation that began in the late 17th century, which was mostly about the rampant corruption in the Catholic Church. Which is so personally ironic given my current and happy home in the Catholic faith. This reformation would create several more now-mainstream Christian branches including Anabaptists (which includes Huetterites, Mennonites, and Amish). Some Christadelphians align themselves, at least in part, with Quakers.

It is a strict faith with unyielding rules and beliefs. Not unlike many others. However, Christadelphians believe in a vengeful God even while believing in a benevolent God who gave us our ultimate savior, Jesus Christ. There is also much hate and bigotry taught in Sunday School. That will become important later. Overall, as I look back on it with decades of distance, I can see how my earliest traumas were a result of this hateful, vengeful faith. My inevitable low self-esteem and sense of unworthiness can be traced, in part, to my activities with and belief in being Christadelphian.

Up Next: On Being Christadelphian, Pt 2 - A Family of Faith

Carry Me

Just a simple yet, conversely, complicated disclosure about the state of my world at this moment.

It should say "...broke, again..."

I'm not praying anywhere near as much as I should. Truth is - how many of us do?

Conflict is so darn difficult to handle. Especially when it's within a family, coming up against an entrenched, holier-than-thou, thinks they are better than everyone else person. Who has been enabled in this behavior since they joined the family nearly 40 years ago. Excuses made at every turn. Because we don't want to "upset XXX". 

This burden has been upon me all these years. Well - not me alone but I've been the brunt of the bullying for about this long. God knows - truly - God knows how hard I've tried and for how long to make this thing at least be civil.

Jesus tells us:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus said to him, I say not to you, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. - Matthew 18:21-22

I can do that math. 490 times, if we are to take Jesus literally. While that is tempting I believe he meant as many times as it takes. Forgive over and over again. 

And there is this "gem":

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. - Matthew 5:38-40

Oh boy. Talk about a tall order. As usual, Jesus sets us the impossible task and charges us to make it - possible.

What to do when the person you try to forgive - without the apology given - who you try to approach in good faith over and over...just refuses to bend. No quarter given by this person. His way or the highway. Or rather - his way. Period.

What to do when you run out of cheeks, shirts, and coats? Start with the underwear?

I make light of this but there is so much roiling under the surface of this. 40 years of rip currents that threaten with every encounter to take me under until I stop breathing.

Sounds dramatic.

It is.

And my prayers should ramp up; I should shout them until I'm hoarse. Not because God isn't listening but because I need to hear them too.

When you pray - do you pause at all to listen to what God might have to say? I know I don't. Not always anyway. And how are we going to take in what God wants for us if we don't listen to him. His voice, his actions, those magical signs that glimmer throughout our lives if we'd only top & look/listen. I need to take a pause when this bubbles over...because it tears me apart every single time. Leaves me nearly irrational with anger & pain.

We are at the end of our tether with this family drama. After nearly 40 years and countless side-steps, bending & breaking, the last straw has been placed on the camel's back.

And my heart is breaking at what this means, long-term, for me and my darling husband. It will divide us, permanently, from a core family member. Oh, we will keep up the pretense (after all this time we are very good at it) until hubby's parents are no longer with us. A time which is, sadly, getting shorter everyday.

In truth there isn't much there at this point. What little there is - is for my in-laws' sake. And when all is said and done...there will be nothing left to hold on to. I've had to recover from such losses before - the loss that is like a death...without the death - and it nearly killed me before.

Sometimes I think...I've been broken for so long, what's one more heartbreak - right? I am healing from all that brokenness before. I really don't know that I have it in me to fully heal from this one.

And so, once again, I bow down to God and ask him to hold me up until I can stand on my own. To take control of this and show me the right way to proceed. How to pick myself up, put on that smile again - but this time for it to be real, not a facade adopted to get thru the days.

Honestly, friends, sometimes I do wonder what is the point of all of this? I'm supposed to find the gifts in all this; the things that make me a better person in spite of or because of - all this.

And I do try to find them. Squeeze out the positive from so much negativity. Be the better person; strive to learn and grow thru the pain. To give myself grace for the struggle. To give others grace for whatever their struggles are.

And...damn. Just...damn.

Personal Revival

Is God waiting for me?

Seems like a potentially arrogant question. After all, why would the most omnipotent being in all of any history - wait for me to do anything? Isn't it me who should be waiting on God - in prayer, petition, thanksgiving, and hope?

That is all true. And yet I feel that sometimes God does wait for me, for us.

• To forgive even when it feels impossible.
• Embrace a season of quiet with God.
• Let go of what I think my journey thru this life should look like.
• Allow God into my broken places.

A season of quiet with God - what does that look like? How long is that? If we listen for God enough, look for him in all that we see and do, inevitably he will tell us what that season is. 

Thru prayer we will see & hear God. Keeping our eyes wide open all the time - to see & hear him in everything, the sweetest birdsong, the prettiest flower, the hideous weed, the icky insect - is to find God present in our lives every second of the day.

Not every minute. Every single second. Even the words I am writing come straight from God. Because those 4 points above constitute a prayer I have been saying as often as possible, as the gift they are - given to me from a surprising source.

Indeed, that same source gifted me with another prayer, just for me. 

A Personal Revival from God. To acknowledge God's presence, make a plan for healing with only his guidance, and persevere in this plan in the quiet spaces with God.

When you open your mind to all of God's possibilities - even the ones that seem so improbable as to be nearly unbelievable - he delivers gift upon gift.

So go to that quiet place with God - and open your mind & heart to listen to his messages. For he indeed...waiting for us.

On Forgiveness

All of life is a process of some kind. From the simple process of getting a driver's license to the challenges you face while grieving. The spectrum is wide, deep, and long. 

The process of forgiveness - is all those things and more. I have grieved people who have died. And I find the ability to forgive to be far more difficult than grieving.

I am in a season of my life where forgiving people is paramount to my ability to move forward. I have so much anger against these people - and rightfully so. And yet I am holding onto that anger, thinking it keeps me safe.

And all it does is hold me hostage to those people. And trust me - what they have done is truly unforgivable.

Yet...here I am. In a deep dark hole of anger & rage. It has become something larger than myself and it is holding me back from some deep personal healing and growth.

So I am doing research on forgiveness, thru the lens of a Christian. We all know that, as Christians, it is our duty & obligation to forgive others as God has forgiven us.

In the Bible, the Greek word “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”. Holding on to my anger is definitely not letting go of anything at all.

The Bible tells us this is very clear terms:

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:14

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." - Hebrews 8:12

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” - Colossians 3:13

There are more but you get the idea.

If I don't find my way to forgiveness God will deny me entry into the Kingdom, into Heaven itself.

Yeah - this is pretty serious for a Christian.

If I am to live my life in a Christian way, then I must find the path to forgive people who really don't deserve it. Add in the fact that I will only be doing this for myself; there is no way for me to actually approach them and offer them my forgiveness. And I know their response would be rejection - yet that is not the Christian point, now is it.

I feel like I'm walking a fine line here. I'm supposed to actually forgive them - one of them is dead. And the other I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years. For all I know, she may well be dead too. 

Plus I have no wish to be in that presence again. To welcome that toxicity & violence into my life again. It really is she who should be asking me for forgiveness. And therein lies another conundrum for me - even if she did ask me, would I be able to forgive her for the unforgivable?

Daunting...is the word that comes to mind.

And then in my research this morning I found this:

The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since “...it keeps no record of wrongs...” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiving others means letting go of resentment and giving up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered. from LAChristianCounseling website

And further, this gem appeared like the gift from God that it clearly is:

"If you've given up the right to get even with your offender, that's forgiveness. If your loss still hurts, that's normal anger that will exist as long as you feel the loss. As you come to accept the loss and move on with your life, the anger will slowly dissipate." from KerriCoaching, a Christian life-coaching website

This one reminded me that I did pray for all of them at the Easter Vigil this year. I felt called, by God, to do that. And as much as I resisted I couldn't ignore that clear call for prayer. I had forgotten about this until today.

I have a long road ahead of me to reach this state of forgiveness, this state of letting go. Of not feeling the pain of decades of torment & abuse. God is listening to me (as he always does, even if we aren't fully aware) and is already granting me visions & very clear messages.

The key to all this is - to pay attention to what God wants me to know. I already know the work he wants me to do here is coming to forgiveness.

This is my soul's purpose right now. My one goal in life. Because if I don't come to a state of forgiveness, I fear I will be trapped as a hostage to these people - and that is the last thing I want to do with the rest of my life.

I Broke...

the girl who seemed unbreakable,
broke.
she dropped the fake smile and whispered,
"jesus i can't do this anymore."
and he replied,
"daughter, i never wanted you to,
i've been waiting for you to
let me carry you."

This is me, now.

For several weeks I have felt the breaking coming. Work has been a bear - more than that really. I lack the language skills to adequately describe it all. The people are:

• Truly stupid.
• Argumentative. 
• Know-it-alls.
• Literally filthy pigs. 

And the job itself - bombarded from all sides all day, every day. Not a moment to catch my breath before something else is shoved in my face with its attendant demands. And the load increases daily with no relief ever offered. Because there is none available. Not now. Not in the future. It is "the way" of the working world now.

I am surrounded by this day in and day out. It is a rough unpleasant experience.

Which brings me to the inevitable conclusion that I am burned out on my job. And I'm 3.5 years away from, hopefully, getting out of the great american rat race. So I must find a way to endure this - because I've been in this race for long enough to know it's not going to improve.

All of which reminds me that, despite my ego preferring to believe that I am in control, I am not in control. As I screamed in frustration this past week, I found myself angry with God.

For not protecting me from all this. For not cushioning my fall as I broke. For not being there to ease my burdens.

And then I realized - he's always there. But I haven't acknowledged him in weeks. Not truly. Oh I've said my prayers over meals, my nightly prayer as a fall asleep. But those are by rote...I know they are prayers but they aren't from my heart.

Not the prayer I need to be saying right now - to search out God, to ask him to see into my heart, and to take these burdens from me. He doesn't want me to break.

And therein lies the hardest question any Christian can ask - why does God allow suffering?

I have no easy answer, in truth no one does. Oh we have platitudes to say about how God wants to draw us closer to him so suffering is his way of getting that.

Sounds pretty - harsh - when you put it like that.

We can talk about free will of course. We are all free to make whatever choices we want and deal with the consequences - good or ill.

Again, pretty harsh.

Or we can talk about God's love for us. Which is always there no matter who we are, what we do, where we are, or how we behave.

I prefer to think of that. In the moment this past week when I lashed out at God - I felt horrible right away. I know God has "broad shoulders" and can handle my feeble attempts at getting angry with him.

Because that's all they are - feeble attempts. In the end, I collapsed on my bed, spent & exhausted from a bruising day of constant abuse and manipulation, absent of even the most common of courtesies. And turned to God and simply said - please lord, help me.

And he did. I immediately felt a little lighter, and went back to my at-home office and made the command decision to take Friday off. I'm glad I did. I'm halfway thru an unexpected 3-day weekend and while my perspective is still somewhat clouded by the lingering discomfort of my last few work weeks, I know that God is on my side. Always.

So when I break again, as I inevitably will some weeks or months from now, I pray I can look back on the moment this past Thursday when I finally set all the burdens down and asked God to pick them up for me.

Because it is what he wants to do. Because he loves us and we are never alone.

Tears & Suffering

 

if all you have are tears to cry

the Lord keeps track of all your sorrow

psalm 56:8

Life - moves fast and not always politely. There are days - weeks even - when I feel like I've been run over, repeatedly. Despite all my efforts at setting boundaries with people I still end up worn out in every possible way.

These past few weeks have been such a time and this past week was intensified. It was just - a slog. 

All I wanted to do when I got home from work yesterday was curl up under the covers and cry my heart out. I could feel the dammed up tears threatening to overtop my control all day long.

So home I went - and literally crawled into bed, under the lovely covers, thinking I'd give over to the tears and let the dam break.

It didn't.

Because I prayed for solace, for comfort. I prayed most fervently for relief from the weight of it all. 

And as ever - God was there in the silence, holding my hand and drying my tears before I shed them.

He does that - all day long. And in those times when our tears do overtop us, it's only because we didn't ask God to help in that moment.

I know - the question surely follows - but if he is there all the time why doesn't he always help us to not cry?

And I ask that question myself all the time. There is no easy answer - it is the age-old question of why a munificent God would allow us to suffer at all.

The short answer is - because in those moments God wants us to call out to him, to turn to him, to be drawn into his embrace, and stay there.

The long answer is - I don't have one. It is the oldest & hardest question of faith. 

I think back to my previous writing about spiritual warfare and the presence of satan. For the evil one is always there just waiting - crouched in the shadows - to distract us away from what we know is right.

God - is right. Praying to God - is right. Repentance - is right.

Satan - is wrong. Satan - is never the answer to anything.

So here we are in another spiritual fight. Turning to God - while tears threaten and solace seems unreachable - is the only way to gain these things.

Grace

grace = courteous goodwill

courteous = polite, respectful, or considerate in manner

goodwill = friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude

Do we give grace to the people around us? Are we all the things listed above? Maybe not every single day but - some of them?

Are we understanding when a friend lashes out? Do we give a nanosecond's thought to what is happening in their life, that they would react that way? Or do we just stalk off, harumphing and generally thinking ill of the person.

God's grace is defined as God's unmerited kindness, favor, and mercy. It is a free gift from God; definitely an undeserved one.

Do you know that God's grace is given before we even ask for it? He sees our hearts, he knows our minds, and he certainly knows what we need before we are even aware of some kind of need at all. Or as St. Paul tells us in a few verses prior to the one quoted above:

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:13

Grace - is given. It can't be earned - not even by the friend or co-worker who annoys us. It is in our gift to give it to them at our own volition.

God's grace can't be earned either. Yet we know that it is already awarded to us - the ultimate reward in life.

In this Lenten season, let us remember we have the ability to give grace to those who offend or annoy or even hurt us. Because no matter how far we wander, no matter how lost we are in our lives, God's grace is there - all we have to do is ask.

On Vulnerability & Warfare

 

Spiritual warfare. We're gonna get vulnerable here.

Ever feel like each day is some kind of battle? From the time your eyes open until you can finally close them again, and surrender to the hopeful peace of sleep - you are fighting against ... something. At the blissful end of such a day you don't know what you were fighting, you can't recall how it all started, and you just want it to disappear into the mist of a dreamless rest.

I've had more than a bevy of these days over the past few years. And in my own reflections, meditations, and prayers I've determined that at the bedrock of these kinds of days is warfare.

Yes - warfare. For my spirit. Sometimes it feels like a battle for my very soul. 

Satan steps into the breach of these kinds of moments and tries to wrest control away from me. He sneaks in like colorless smoke and captures me in his web of lies and condemnations.

Sometimes he comes in the form of gossip in the news. Sometimes it is some kind of sadistic abuser masquerading as a comforter who distracts me from my faith. Other times it is self-doubt - the worst kind, born of abuse from my parents and read back to me in the darkest of dark thoughts.

No matter how he comes, Satan is a slick, oily salesman who wends his way into my life and works his own deviant magic on me to call me away from what I know to be true and right.

Righteous even.

There are two words in this that shed a bright light onto how this happens:

• Surrender
• Control

These 2 words effectively cancel each other out, don't they.

Leaving no room for an effective plan. No room for God. And therein lies the problem.

Satan cancels out God. If you let him. And those days I've had of spiritual warfare, Satan sometimes comes close to being the victor.

He came extremely close just once - many years ago. I brought in the help of several people to get him away from me. It took an enormous leap of - faith - to overcome his hold over me.

And nowadays when I feel Satan closing in on me - I turn to God as swiftly as I feel the hot breath on my face. 

That breath is nasty. Just nasty.

I am so thankful for my faith, for God's healing & enduring love, for God's forgiveness always - especially on those spiritual warfare days. When Satan's temptation gets under my skin and tries to make a home there.

Satan only has one home and that is behind me. With God in front of me leading me, as ever, to safety & protection.

It is a daily act of faith to give control of the day to God. On some days, I have to give control to God every few minutes.

And when I do that - humble myself and tell God I truly need his protection & love - he is steadfast as always. And my anxiety and fear fades away.

On Being Fearless

It seems a bit hyperbolic to use the term "fear" or "fearless" these days when talking about how we approach our lives.

When I think of fearless people, my mind turns to our military, firefighters, police officers. Not someone like me who is just trying to navigate a complex world.

However if we turn to what it meant to be fearless in Biblical times - especially Old Testament times - we find that SIN was the number one thing people feared. Proverbs 28:1 tells us this:

The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Meaning having a guilty conscience, due to sin, makes the wicked turn tail - and run.

So...does being fearless, in the faith-based sense, mean we should disregard being sinful?

No.

I believe it means that we should know - really KNOW - that God is with us always. That his forgiveness is given before we ask for it.

And that is really what we need to do - freely repent without fear of condemnation from God. 

For God loves us and never leaves our side. It is faith that allows me to believe this is true, even when I don't feel like anyone is by my side. It gives me great comfort to pray to God - the unseen Father - even in those times when I feel like no one is listening and no one cares. 

God cares - all the time. And in those times when he doesn't answer my prayers in the way I want - I have to believe he didn't because what I wanted wasn't right for me. No matter how it feels to me in the moment.

Which is, for us mere mortals, the hardest part of all. Acknowledging that God is in control, not us. No matter how much our own precious little egos believe we ARE in control.

To me it is the biggest leap of faith to accept this. And I have to re-believe every day. Always.

It is the very least I can do for a God who loves me in the moment, who accepts me for who I am in the present without ever holding the past against me.

The Book of Joshua, Chapter 1, is the origin of the quote above. The entire book of Joshua deals with what happens after Moses dies. In Chapter 1, it is God's promise continuing to be fulfilled - to deliver the Israelites to their Promised Land - even though his first leader has passed away. Joshua is given the task to keep the Israelites moving to the lands outlined in verse 4:

Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Mediterranean Sea in the west. 

Note: all biblical verses are copied directly from Bible Gateway.