Epiphany

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him?

-epistle of st james 2:5

I know, it's not the actual time of The Epiphany. But I did have an epiphany during Mass last night. The above is the second reading from the New Testament for this weekend. The origin of the Epistle of St. James is hotly debated. From who wrote it to when it was written. 

Whoever wrote it was inspired of God - the details are just the human need to "know". (And I am known, at home, as the "need to know it girl".) And the writer certainly wanted to make sure that the post-apostolic Christians knew what was moral and right.

Anyway...

Last night, as our Lector read this verse, I was literally, physically startled in my seat by its meaning in my life. This one simple verse contains part of a pathway to peace.

When God, Jesus, or the many disciples who appear in the Bible say the word "poor" - they don't just mean the poor in the physical sense.

They also mean the poor in spirit. As Christ said in The Beatitudes: 

"Blessed are they who are poor in spirit, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs."

My life - has not been an easy one. My childhood is the stuff of seriously bad dreams; and even my early adulthood was not free from the abuses of my younger years. They just changed shape. Morphed into something even more insidious.

I've spent the better part of the last 6 years trying to process my way thru all of it. I'm a slow learner sometimes; and the truth of my childhood was hidden beneath many layers of protection put into place by me so I could survive.

Those survival skills kept me OK but left me in a constant state of fight-or-flight - I never felt safe. After over 40 years of mere survival - it's no surprise that it all crashed down on me in one spectacular breakdown.

And I've been on the healing path ever since. It's a long, and sometimes lonely, journey. And despite all that - one of the best walks upon which I've ever set my feet.

Then last night - in a moment of God-given perfection and grace - indeed even mercy - came a simple verse from a likely-unknown disciple:

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world  to be rich in faith...

I have steadfastly refused to ask the classic "why me" question. There is no answer, it doesn't do anyone any good, and in the end it comes from a point of ego rather than healing. Because implied is "why me and not someone else".

And here in this verse is the answer to the question I don't ask - because God chose me.

Sounds pretty - dramatic - doesn't it? And rather unfair of God to choose me for over 20 years of abuse, torment, and pain. Yet...

Eleven years ago God called me out - literally - in a moment of spiritual grace that still takes my breath away. In that moment, God called me home. Home to a faith I didn't know I needed, home to a faith I didn't know I'd ever want. A closeness to God began that day - and continues to grow each day.

God chose me. He looked down on me in that moment 11 years ago - alone, in pain, in an unexpected place - and delivered me from myself.

That was the tiny seed of the start of my faith journey. And it brought me to a place 5 years later where I could, finally, begin to heal from what started it all in the first place.

God will deliver you. As I've said before, it's in HIS time, not ours. And it will come.

You just need to have - faith.