Pray Ceaselessly

What would Jesus do?

That's the old saying isn't it. When in doubt...When in crisis...When angry...WWJD?

I know my Savior would tell me to pray on it. Go to a deserted place - free from the distractions of our crazy times and over-burdened lives - and pray.

The apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught. He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place. -the gospel of mark, chapter 6

And if I don't know what I need to pray for I should just ask God to open my mind and heart to his voice, his word, his love.

Intellectually we, the faithful, know this. 

Reality can be so very different.

My Diocese just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It's the classic method for restructuring, selling assets, etc...in this case all for one reason.

To finally, after too many years, settle 60 lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of minor boys at the hands of priests who ran a residential school for boys. All the victims were teenage boys who lived at this particular school due to issues stemming from physical and sexual abuse in their homes (biological and/or foster) that lead to behavior issues and drug use. Specifically 2 priests abused these already-vulnerable boys between 1986-2000.

Fourteen years of abuse - in a place where these boys should have found safety and comfort to recover from the abuses they already suffered.  Both of the priests have since died; and our current Bishop relieved them of their priestly duties as soon as the first complaint came to his attention in 2004. (It relieves me to a degree I can't express that our current Bishop was NOT "on duty" when the abuses actually took place. To the contrary, he acted appropriately as soon as he was made aware - less than a year after he took the office.)

We are not alone in this country on this subject. Far from it; from the link above:

...[Bishop] Cote said the Norwich diocese is the 31st and most recent Catholic organization to seek bankruptcy protection.  He said three of the bankruptcies were filed by religious orders and 28 by dioceses or archdioceses.

As of May, [a total of] 19 of the earliest bankruptcies have concluded with a successful reorganization and 11 of the more recently filed reorganizations are pending, Cote said...

So you must be asking yourself - what is my issue here? This bankruptcy filing should ensure that the victims (I'd rather say "survivors") receive an equitable settlement. In fact, they all have to agree to what the courts propose so they will be active participants in the entire process.

The over-arching issue in this - the sexual abuse - is far too close to my own world. I am one of those survivors, victimized at the hands of a person who should have kept me safe from harm. One of the most important people in my young life, this individual betrayed me at a fundamental level. And at a pre-pubescent age, a time when it was all too easy for my young self to bury this knowledge so deep that it wouldn't surface until I was in my early 50s.

Yeah. Recalled memories is a thing - and it is so painful, so brutal, that it leaves a person wishing for death. 

My heart tears apart each time I read about the sexual abuse of a minor child. Particularly at the hands of a priest - since who else should be expected to keep children safe from harm than their own priest?! A similar figure in life to my own abuser.

And in this Chapter 11 filing by my Diocese I am left with a huge question that will likely go unanswered.

WHY do we have to file like this? Where the hell is the Vatican in all this? 

I am a Catholic and I love my faith. However, I do not have much respect for the Vatican with it's endless layers of bureaucracy and self-protection. The wealthiest city/state in the world, the largest organization in the world, and they do nothing to help their own.

The responsibility for the lawsuits that result from the sexual abuse of children by a priest (or other religious) should NOT be the responsibility of the local church or diocese. The Vatican should pay for all of it since it is their rules that were followed - rules that allowed these monsters to be transferred to other churches or facilities so they could continue their depraved indifference to life without consequence.

My friends, I am teetering on the precipice of a loss of faith. I do love my faith - the corporal worship and my parish family - and I do not love the men who are at the top of the organization aka The Vatican. In fact I despise all of them with the fire of a thousand suns. Including Pope Francis.

And I know this is not what my Savior wants from me. I go to the deserted place, I pray for my heart to be opened, and I try to listen. I do try.

And on this issue right now, I fail miserably. I feel powerless in this - and as a survivor of sexual abuse it is the worst feeling in the world. Because as a victim I was powerless to stop what happened to me. Just as those young men were powerless to stop what those priests did to them. 

And here I am. Filled with so much anger that it threatens to consume me. No power to effect change. Oh I will do what I've done before - write letters. To our Bishop, to offer my prayers and support; and my thanks for his efforts to do the right thing, finally, for those men. To the Vatican, to express my outrage at them and their self-importance in the face of the potential dissolution of their own organization.

I will write the letters and send them. And I will pray when I do. All the while knowing that no amount of letters will make one damn bit of difference.

I do have the power to pray and I do that everyday. Sometimes my prayers are ceaseless, running constantly in the back of my mind. I never tire of praying, and I suppose that is what Jesus wants me to do.

Pray without ceasing.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 thessalonians 5

And when you think you just can't pray any longer - dig deep and continue. Amen.