Epiphany

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he promised to those who love him?

-epistle of st james 2:5

I know, it's not the actual time of The Epiphany. But I did have an epiphany during Mass last night. The above is the second reading from the New Testament for this weekend. The origin of the Epistle of St. James is hotly debated. From who wrote it to when it was written. 

Whoever wrote it was inspired of God - the details are just the human need to "know". (And I am known, at home, as the "need to know it girl".) And the writer certainly wanted to make sure that the post-apostolic Christians knew what was moral and right.

Anyway...

Last night, as our Lector read this verse, I was literally, physically startled in my seat by its meaning in my life. This one simple verse contains part of a pathway to peace.

When God, Jesus, or the many disciples who appear in the Bible say the word "poor" - they don't just mean the poor in the physical sense.

They also mean the poor in spirit. As Christ said in The Beatitudes: 

"Blessed are they who are poor in spirit, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs."

My life - has not been an easy one. My childhood is the stuff of seriously bad dreams; and even my early adulthood was not free from the abuses of my younger years. They just changed shape. Morphed into something even more insidious.

I've spent the better part of the last 6 years trying to process my way thru all of it. I'm a slow learner sometimes; and the truth of my childhood was hidden beneath many layers of protection put into place by me so I could survive.

Those survival skills kept me OK but left me in a constant state of fight-or-flight - I never felt safe. After over 40 years of mere survival - it's no surprise that it all crashed down on me in one spectacular breakdown.

And I've been on the healing path ever since. It's a long, and sometimes lonely, journey. And despite all that - one of the best walks upon which I've ever set my feet.

Then last night - in a moment of God-given perfection and grace - indeed even mercy - came a simple verse from a likely-unknown disciple:

Did not God choose those who are poor in the world  to be rich in faith...

I have steadfastly refused to ask the classic "why me" question. There is no answer, it doesn't do anyone any good, and in the end it comes from a point of ego rather than healing. Because implied is "why me and not someone else".

And here in this verse is the answer to the question I don't ask - because God chose me.

Sounds pretty - dramatic - doesn't it? And rather unfair of God to choose me for over 20 years of abuse, torment, and pain. Yet...

Eleven years ago God called me out - literally - in a moment of spiritual grace that still takes my breath away. In that moment, God called me home. Home to a faith I didn't know I needed, home to a faith I didn't know I'd ever want. A closeness to God began that day - and continues to grow each day.

God chose me. He looked down on me in that moment 11 years ago - alone, in pain, in an unexpected place - and delivered me from myself.

That was the tiny seed of the start of my faith journey. And it brought me to a place 5 years later where I could, finally, begin to heal from what started it all in the first place.

God will deliver you. As I've said before, it's in HIS time, not ours. And it will come.

You just need to have - faith.

A Testament of Hope

It would be the easy thing, and to an extent the lazy, comfortable thing, to leave this troubled, scandalous, maddening (Catholic) church, but to stay is to consent to suffer along with the Body of Christ, for the sake of every sinner within and without, and in reparation for the sinned against. To share in the burden of the church, rather than run from it in shame or fear is to assist in its continual re-creation, and to be a testament of hope to eventual glory.

-Elizabeth Scalia aka The Anchoress

Shortly after my post last weekend Ms. Scalia posted the above on her Facebook page. I have followed her for many years now. She is a fantastic writer and Catholic apologist.

Her words resonated deeply for me. A reminder that any church is only as strong as its membership. A reminder that, as a Christian, I live in hope. 

And now I retreat again to the deserted place for prayer and thanksgiving,

Pray Ceaselessly

What would Jesus do?

That's the old saying isn't it. When in doubt...When in crisis...When angry...WWJD?

I know my Savior would tell me to pray on it. Go to a deserted place - free from the distractions of our crazy times and over-burdened lives - and pray.

The apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught. He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place. -the gospel of mark, chapter 6

And if I don't know what I need to pray for I should just ask God to open my mind and heart to his voice, his word, his love.

Intellectually we, the faithful, know this. 

Reality can be so very different.

My Diocese just filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It's the classic method for restructuring, selling assets, etc...in this case all for one reason.

To finally, after too many years, settle 60 lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of minor boys at the hands of priests who ran a residential school for boys. All the victims were teenage boys who lived at this particular school due to issues stemming from physical and sexual abuse in their homes (biological and/or foster) that lead to behavior issues and drug use. Specifically 2 priests abused these already-vulnerable boys between 1986-2000.

Fourteen years of abuse - in a place where these boys should have found safety and comfort to recover from the abuses they already suffered.  Both of the priests have since died; and our current Bishop relieved them of their priestly duties as soon as the first complaint came to his attention in 2004. (It relieves me to a degree I can't express that our current Bishop was NOT "on duty" when the abuses actually took place. To the contrary, he acted appropriately as soon as he was made aware - less than a year after he took the office.)

We are not alone in this country on this subject. Far from it; from the link above:

...[Bishop] Cote said the Norwich diocese is the 31st and most recent Catholic organization to seek bankruptcy protection.  He said three of the bankruptcies were filed by religious orders and 28 by dioceses or archdioceses.

As of May, [a total of] 19 of the earliest bankruptcies have concluded with a successful reorganization and 11 of the more recently filed reorganizations are pending, Cote said...

So you must be asking yourself - what is my issue here? This bankruptcy filing should ensure that the victims (I'd rather say "survivors") receive an equitable settlement. In fact, they all have to agree to what the courts propose so they will be active participants in the entire process.

The over-arching issue in this - the sexual abuse - is far too close to my own world. I am one of those survivors, victimized at the hands of a person who should have kept me safe from harm. One of the most important people in my young life, this individual betrayed me at a fundamental level. And at a pre-pubescent age, a time when it was all too easy for my young self to bury this knowledge so deep that it wouldn't surface until I was in my early 50s.

Yeah. Recalled memories is a thing - and it is so painful, so brutal, that it leaves a person wishing for death. 

My heart tears apart each time I read about the sexual abuse of a minor child. Particularly at the hands of a priest - since who else should be expected to keep children safe from harm than their own priest?! A similar figure in life to my own abuser.

And in this Chapter 11 filing by my Diocese I am left with a huge question that will likely go unanswered.

WHY do we have to file like this? Where the hell is the Vatican in all this? 

I am a Catholic and I love my faith. However, I do not have much respect for the Vatican with it's endless layers of bureaucracy and self-protection. The wealthiest city/state in the world, the largest organization in the world, and they do nothing to help their own.

The responsibility for the lawsuits that result from the sexual abuse of children by a priest (or other religious) should NOT be the responsibility of the local church or diocese. The Vatican should pay for all of it since it is their rules that were followed - rules that allowed these monsters to be transferred to other churches or facilities so they could continue their depraved indifference to life without consequence.

My friends, I am teetering on the precipice of a loss of faith. I do love my faith - the corporal worship and my parish family - and I do not love the men who are at the top of the organization aka The Vatican. In fact I despise all of them with the fire of a thousand suns. Including Pope Francis.

And I know this is not what my Savior wants from me. I go to the deserted place, I pray for my heart to be opened, and I try to listen. I do try.

And on this issue right now, I fail miserably. I feel powerless in this - and as a survivor of sexual abuse it is the worst feeling in the world. Because as a victim I was powerless to stop what happened to me. Just as those young men were powerless to stop what those priests did to them. 

And here I am. Filled with so much anger that it threatens to consume me. No power to effect change. Oh I will do what I've done before - write letters. To our Bishop, to offer my prayers and support; and my thanks for his efforts to do the right thing, finally, for those men. To the Vatican, to express my outrage at them and their self-importance in the face of the potential dissolution of their own organization.

I will write the letters and send them. And I will pray when I do. All the while knowing that no amount of letters will make one damn bit of difference.

I do have the power to pray and I do that everyday. Sometimes my prayers are ceaseless, running constantly in the back of my mind. I never tire of praying, and I suppose that is what Jesus wants me to do.

Pray without ceasing.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 thessalonians 5

And when you think you just can't pray any longer - dig deep and continue. Amen.

God's Time

The appearance of Jesus Christ was a herald of a new covenant for people faithful to God. Note that word - "new". Christ's 3-year ministry - astonishing for its brevity and impact - was to establish a new set of laws to follow. This new covenant would strip away the old laws of Leviticus and set forth a gentler and kinder relationship with God. 

The Prophet Jeremiah foretold of this new covenant in chapter 31 of his writings in the Bible:

"Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke..."

Imagine this: you are a faithful Jew in the year 30 A.D.and this Jewish man comes out of nowhere and tells you the laws your people have followed for a millennia...are no longer required. That your relationship with God is now thru Jesus Christ; a relationship based upon love, not fear. Simple rules - love one another as God loves you.

Sometimes I'm not surprised the Jews rejected Christ. 

But let me turn your attention to today's Homily from the ever-marvelous Bishop Robert Barron:

Friends, the centerpiece of today’s Gospel is Jesus healing the hemorrhaging woman. Having a flow of blood for twelve years meant that anyone with whom she came in contact would be considered unclean. She couldn’t, in any meaningful sense, participate in the ordinary life of her society. The woman touches Jesus—and how radical and dangerous an act this was, since it should have rendered him unclean. But so great is her faith that her touch, instead, renders her clean. Jesus effectively restores her to full participation in her community. But what is perhaps most important is this: Jesus implicitly puts an end to the ritual code of the book of Leviticus. What he implies is that the identity of the new Israel, the Church, would not be through ritual behaviors but through imitation of him. Notice please how central this is in the New Testament. We hear elsewhere in the Gospels that Jesus declares all foods clean, and throughout the letters of Paul we hear a steady polemic against the Law. All of this is meant to show that Jesus is at the center of the new community. Please watch all of Bishop Barron's homily.  It is, as ever for the Bishop, marvelous and filled with the Holy Spirit. Then grab your Bible and do as the Bishop suggests - read Mark Chapter 5. (If you don't have a Bible, you can find the chapter here.)  It really is a remarkable chapter about faith, healing, the sensitivity of Jesus, and our own relentless need for everything to be "now" (yes, even in 30-something A.D., impatience and selfishness was a prominent characteristic, even in a man of God like Jairus). God's time is a concept that humans can't process. And yet it persists - and we must allow it to work in our lives as God directs.

Darkness

God - sees us all the time. 

During our most joyous. When our individual worlds are suffused with the soft light and gentle warmth of the emotional equivalent of sunshine. We can feel that warmth on our skin, penetrating deep within to bring our hearts alive. 

At these times our prayers are bright with gratitude.

He also sees us at our darkest. Those times when our individual worlds are clouded - as if our very souls can't see thru the fog. As if everything is shrouded with an impenetrable dim light that refuses to allow us any clarity of thought or experience.

At these times our prayers are consumed with need. 

Indeed, God loves us no matter how we approach his throne of grace. He wants us to be happy and rejoices when we are. And he stands solidly with us when we feel like we don't deserve his love.

Send your prayers and petitions to our Savior. Seated at the right hand of God, Jesus Christ is our mediator, our salvation. He is the light in our joy. His light shines when ours just can't.

A Friend

Right after September 11, 2001 happened - I started thinking about the number of people grieving the loss of a loved one.  How many people would miss one of the victims?

I put it in the realest terms I could from my own perspective.  

Who would miss me? Beyond family, friends, co-workers - who else in my life would miss my presence?  The guy at the coffee truck every morning. The cafeteria workers who engaged in a friendly, brief chat with me daily, sometimes more than once. The building maintenance crew, whom I knew well. The owner of the coffee shop in my town.  Doctors, other professionals.

If you added it all up - one victim could equal a hundred or more people who would miss them.

And what about those that lived with injuries? The numbers would be even larger.

Jesus promises us that our redemption belongs to us if we follow him. That the next phase of existence is paradise with his Father in heaven - immortal, restored to glory - newness of life.

A friend - a cherished member of my parish family - is in critical condition after a hit-and-run incident in the parking lot of our church. She has been in ICU since May 27. In that time she's had one really good day - alertness being the key measure. Otherwise she is being kept in a medically-induced coma while her medical teams try to stay ahead of the complications that are coming out of her devastating injuries.

She was run over - twice - by the person who left the scene. We believe the individual backed up, then pulled forward. It's possible that the person didn't realize they hit anyone. Except that it's been getting heavy news coverage for a week - so at this point, they must KNOW what they did and are still not coming forward.

But we need to set that aside for now.

My friend has severe crush-injuries. Her entire torso has been mangled - pelvis, ribs, lung, liver, and multiple other major internal injuries. The doctors are trying to figure out how to stay ahead of it all - and so far they can't.

She is a fighter, this woman. And a woman of incredibly deep faith. She is quiet yet funny.  Soft-spoken yet compassionate. Her kindness knows no limit. If anyone can get thru this, it's her.

Her injuries are extensive enough that it's unlikely she will return to what she did and who she was before. And we - her parish family & friends - just want to see her back with us. Her return is what we long for.

To go back to my original point - how many people are praying for my friend? Her parish family is over 1100 people alone. Plus the local community, who also knows & loves her. She'd be embarrassed at all the fuss - she is humble and self-effacing. The number of people who know her, in real life, are in the thousands. 

Jesus promises a beautiful future beyond death. For now, we are fighting hard to keep our friend with us. It's selfish, yes. And we aren't ready to let her go.  

The video attached above is her favorite song - her personal anthem. We've been asked to pray, and to especially listen to this song and pray for her.

May I ask that you do the same? Please pray for my friend - Lois. Please pray for her family.  

This is the air I breathe

This is the air I breathe

Your holy presence living in me

Saturday Symphony

I will sing to and worship

The King who is worthy

I will love and adore him

I will bow down before him

"Jesus - the King who is worthy."

I love this song by Michael W. Smith but that lyric - bugs me.  Jesus is King of all Kings.  It's not that he is worthy of our adoration and praise.  He is so far above us, so much mightier than we could ever dream to be.  Jesus requires our adoration - he sacrificed himself for us - so that we can be saved from ourselves.

We are not worthy of that sacrifice.  But with prayer, adoration, and repentance we can be.  Jesus is our Savior.  If we believe in him, we will not perish but have everlasting life.

That - is everything.