Tears & Suffering

 

if all you have are tears to cry

the Lord keeps track of all your sorrow

psalm 56:8

Life - moves fast and not always politely. There are days - weeks even - when I feel like I've been run over, repeatedly. Despite all my efforts at setting boundaries with people I still end up worn out in every possible way.

These past few weeks have been such a time and this past week was intensified. It was just - a slog. 

All I wanted to do when I got home from work yesterday was curl up under the covers and cry my heart out. I could feel the dammed up tears threatening to overtop my control all day long.

So home I went - and literally crawled into bed, under the lovely covers, thinking I'd give over to the tears and let the dam break.

It didn't.

Because I prayed for solace, for comfort. I prayed most fervently for relief from the weight of it all. 

And as ever - God was there in the silence, holding my hand and drying my tears before I shed them.

He does that - all day long. And in those times when our tears do overtop us, it's only because we didn't ask God to help in that moment.

I know - the question surely follows - but if he is there all the time why doesn't he always help us to not cry?

And I ask that question myself all the time. There is no easy answer - it is the age-old question of why a munificent God would allow us to suffer at all.

The short answer is - because in those moments God wants us to call out to him, to turn to him, to be drawn into his embrace, and stay there.

The long answer is - I don't have one. It is the oldest & hardest question of faith. 

I think back to my previous writing about spiritual warfare and the presence of satan. For the evil one is always there just waiting - crouched in the shadows - to distract us away from what we know is right.

God - is right. Praying to God - is right. Repentance - is right.

Satan - is wrong. Satan - is never the answer to anything.

So here we are in another spiritual fight. Turning to God - while tears threaten and solace seems unreachable - is the only way to gain these things.

Grace

grace = courteous goodwill

courteous = polite, respectful, or considerate in manner

goodwill = friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude

Do we give grace to the people around us? Are we all the things listed above? Maybe not every single day but - some of them?

Are we understanding when a friend lashes out? Do we give a nanosecond's thought to what is happening in their life, that they would react that way? Or do we just stalk off, harumphing and generally thinking ill of the person.

God's grace is defined as God's unmerited kindness, favor, and mercy. It is a free gift from God; definitely an undeserved one.

Do you know that God's grace is given before we even ask for it? He sees our hearts, he knows our minds, and he certainly knows what we need before we are even aware of some kind of need at all. Or as St. Paul tells us in a few verses prior to the one quoted above:

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:13

Grace - is given. It can't be earned - not even by the friend or co-worker who annoys us. It is in our gift to give it to them at our own volition.

God's grace can't be earned either. Yet we know that it is already awarded to us - the ultimate reward in life.

In this Lenten season, let us remember we have the ability to give grace to those who offend or annoy or even hurt us. Because no matter how far we wander, no matter how lost we are in our lives, God's grace is there - all we have to do is ask.

God's Child

 Remember whose you are.

These words, as written, are not seen in the Bible. They are an interpretation of the Gospel of John 1:12:

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

For that is what we are - children of God.

There are times when I forget this; I'm sure we all do. We think of ourselves in purely layman's terms - the child of so and so. And sure, we are of their bodies.

But we are not of their bodies as well.

We are of God - his spirit gave us life, his creation gave us life. The very air we breathe comes from God.

It is a challenge for our human egos to give over to the suggestion that we belong to someone other than ourselves. Or that we belong to anyone or anything at all.

We are taught from a young age to be independent. In today's world we are further taught to call our own shots, to be nothing to anyone but ourselves. To turn to anyone other than ourselves is considered a failure.

Yet we must remember that we belong to God. In the end...and I mean the very end, when all that we are comes to its final fruition...God greats us. 

As his child. Whom he has loved before we knew ourselves.

Remember whose you are. Because God does.

Doubt

New month.

Same concerns.

I try - I really do - to give my burdens and anxieties over to God. He has big shoulders and while I know I am unworthy, he will take them for me whenever I ask.

The trouble is - I ask, then I take it all back. I sneak to the foot of the Cross and claw-back the baggage I left there the last time I sought the solace of God.

6,500 year old volcanic crater lake, Iceland

Doubt

a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.

Oh boy do I have these.  I doubt myself on a daily basis - multiple times a day sometimes. Whether it's work, or home, or faith, or family...and I know I'm not alone in my doubts.

They are a plague upon us, truly. At least they are to me.

I have very little sense of self-worth so doubting myself is, in some ways, as natural as breathing. I don't know to do it elsewise.

Yet God gives us a clear pathway to erase our doubts - the simplicity of prayer. 

No great oration is required to pray to God. Just a humble spirit (...just, she says...) and the desire to be heard.

Because God is there listening all the time. He wants us to come to him. In fact I believe he will take us anyway he can get us. 

• Too prideful - we are forgiven
• Puffed up with vanity - we are forgiven
• No patience - we are forgiven

The list could go on and on. And the point is - before we ask for anything, God is already there. He already knows our hearts & minds.

All he wants from us is the simplicity of a prayer - Dear God, I'm here and I need you. 

He will take care of the rest.

Sunday Symphony

Music, as I've said many times, is a necessary thing to me. Like the air we breathe, music gives me life. It can bring clarity to the fog of a day, can make me cry big tears of joy or deep tears of sadness.

It plucks the heartstrings of my very soul.

Paul Winter Consort - "Sun Singer" 1983

This may be an oldie yet to me it's still quite a goodie. We have a Pandora streaming station called "Paul Winter". We play it every Sunday morning. While sipping a second cup of coffee it puts wind beneath my spirit.

Music - any kind really - is a gift from God. The notes, the melody, harmony, sometimes even the dissonance - is a prayer. 

Because the music beneath the notes really is a song of the Holy Spirit. To me it is a call to pray, to meditate, to sing.

The great Saint Augustine once said: singing is praying twice. Ephesians 5:19 says, 

"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and singing spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart."

There are days I need much more than the gentleness of Paul Winter. I need the thrum of a drum and the scream of a blistering guitar.  

No matter what kind of music I tune to, I feel the Holy Spirit deep within me. Connecting me to prayer and God in a way that, in my life, nothing else can.

Duality

We've all had days like this.

At the end of such a day we feel - split in half. Maybe more than once. Pulled in different, polarizing directions all day long. Until we feel elastic and like we'll never spring back to normal again.

How do we reconcile ourselves when we feel this way? How do we gather ourselves back to center, to the heart of ourselves.

Well, first we have to set boundaries with the people we interact with. We can't allow them to take chunks out of us like some demonic plague of locusts.

Hyperbolic - perhaps. But the visual is undeniable.

As a life-long people-pleaser I know only too well what it's like to exist - sometimes just barely - when we don't set boundaries that are healthy for us. Because as a people-pleaser we know nothing about the self; everything is for everyone else. Never for us.

The saying about putting on the oxygen mask first comes to mind. It's a little cliche yet it rings so true for us "p-p" types.

Saying no is the first valid thing to do. Push back gently at first. Then more firmly if the boundary is rejected (and trust me, 75% of the time it will be). Become forceful if necessary but stand by the boundary.

Because you matter. It is OK to allow ourselves to come first.

Because God loved you before anyone else knew you. And if our Maker loves us then surely we must direct some of our energies to love ourselves.

There are a couple of Bible verses that illustrate this far more eloquently than I could:

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

1 John 4:9-10
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Since God loves us enough to become human and be crucified to save us - then I believe we owe it to God to love ourselves enough to get thru a day without feeling torn apart by others.

To be - fierce, strong, and courageous yet still being kind.  That kind of duality is sustainable, with God's love.

On Vulnerability & Warfare

 

Spiritual warfare. We're gonna get vulnerable here.

Ever feel like each day is some kind of battle? From the time your eyes open until you can finally close them again, and surrender to the hopeful peace of sleep - you are fighting against ... something. At the blissful end of such a day you don't know what you were fighting, you can't recall how it all started, and you just want it to disappear into the mist of a dreamless rest.

I've had more than a bevy of these days over the past few years. And in my own reflections, meditations, and prayers I've determined that at the bedrock of these kinds of days is warfare.

Yes - warfare. For my spirit. Sometimes it feels like a battle for my very soul. 

Satan steps into the breach of these kinds of moments and tries to wrest control away from me. He sneaks in like colorless smoke and captures me in his web of lies and condemnations.

Sometimes he comes in the form of gossip in the news. Sometimes it is some kind of sadistic abuser masquerading as a comforter who distracts me from my faith. Other times it is self-doubt - the worst kind, born of abuse from my parents and read back to me in the darkest of dark thoughts.

No matter how he comes, Satan is a slick, oily salesman who wends his way into my life and works his own deviant magic on me to call me away from what I know to be true and right.

Righteous even.

There are two words in this that shed a bright light onto how this happens:

• Surrender
• Control

These 2 words effectively cancel each other out, don't they.

Leaving no room for an effective plan. No room for God. And therein lies the problem.

Satan cancels out God. If you let him. And those days I've had of spiritual warfare, Satan sometimes comes close to being the victor.

He came extremely close just once - many years ago. I brought in the help of several people to get him away from me. It took an enormous leap of - faith - to overcome his hold over me.

And nowadays when I feel Satan closing in on me - I turn to God as swiftly as I feel the hot breath on my face. 

That breath is nasty. Just nasty.

I am so thankful for my faith, for God's healing & enduring love, for God's forgiveness always - especially on those spiritual warfare days. When Satan's temptation gets under my skin and tries to make a home there.

Satan only has one home and that is behind me. With God in front of me leading me, as ever, to safety & protection.

It is a daily act of faith to give control of the day to God. On some days, I have to give control to God every few minutes.

And when I do that - humble myself and tell God I truly need his protection & love - he is steadfast as always. And my anxiety and fear fades away.