Stubborn

This past week has been - a struggle to get thru.

I haven't felt like myself. Deep within I feel disoriented and there is a disquieting edge to my thoughts and my attitude. I've been clipped and easily irritated. I am definitely wearing my grumpy-pants 24/7.

And I can't figure out why. Maybe that's the point - another hint from God that it's not up to me to figure it out, it's up to me to give it to him so I can release the burden of needing to know.

And if you know me in real life - I have to know all the things. All of them, all the time. As I've written so many times, the human ego can be a real challenge to getting thru life.

Some of what I'm grappling with is memories that are the very worst kind. They are torturous and painful beyond words. I don't want to think about "them" and yet...they infiltrate my mind at the least opportune moments.

And I reflect here that perhaps that's what God wants. Catch us off-guard so we can train our "muscles" to turn to him in these times of greatest need.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm OK with that. And it's likely my version of something much simpler.

God wants good for us; good for us all the time. He wants us to love him; there is no way for us to love God in a way that comes close to his love for us. Yet he wants us to persist in prayer to him so he can show us his love.

Funny thing about human ego - I don't love them, I'm struggling with the practice of forgiveness, and if I'm being really honest - I don't want anything for them that is good. (Which, I am fully aware, goes against what I said just one paragraph above. God wants good for all of us...so who am I to not want good for them? I don't wish them ill (or at least I stopped doing that a few years ago). I just don't wish them good, either.) But I am 100% OK with moving on without them. I just didn't think it would be as chronic & debilitating as it has been.

And that last has been my struggle for a very long time. Living my life without them has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Or ever tried to do, more like. It gets easier with time - and prayer - and yet there are weeks, like this last one, that surely try my soul.

Is this some kind of spiritual attack? Likely. And so it is, as always, I continue to train those muscles to turn to God in all things.

But goodness I have a stubborn ego, don't I?