Stubborn

This past week has been - a struggle to get thru.

I haven't felt like myself. Deep within I feel disoriented and there is a disquieting edge to my thoughts and my attitude. I've been clipped and easily irritated. I am definitely wearing my grumpy-pants 24/7.

And I can't figure out why. Maybe that's the point - another hint from God that it's not up to me to figure it out, it's up to me to give it to him so I can release the burden of needing to know.

And if you know me in real life - I have to know all the things. All of them, all the time. As I've written so many times, the human ego can be a real challenge to getting thru life.

Some of what I'm grappling with is memories that are the very worst kind. They are torturous and painful beyond words. I don't want to think about "them" and yet...they infiltrate my mind at the least opportune moments.

And I reflect here that perhaps that's what God wants. Catch us off-guard so we can train our "muscles" to turn to him in these times of greatest need.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm OK with that. And it's likely my version of something much simpler.

God wants good for us; good for us all the time. He wants us to love him; there is no way for us to love God in a way that comes close to his love for us. Yet he wants us to persist in prayer to him so he can show us his love.

Funny thing about human ego - I don't love them, I'm struggling with the practice of forgiveness, and if I'm being really honest - I don't want anything for them that is good. (Which, I am fully aware, goes against what I said just one paragraph above. God wants good for all of us...so who am I to not want good for them? I don't wish them ill (or at least I stopped doing that a few years ago). I just don't wish them good, either.) But I am 100% OK with moving on without them. I just didn't think it would be as chronic & debilitating as it has been.

And that last has been my struggle for a very long time. Living my life without them has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Or ever tried to do, more like. It gets easier with time - and prayer - and yet there are weeks, like this last one, that surely try my soul.

Is this some kind of spiritual attack? Likely. And so it is, as always, I continue to train those muscles to turn to God in all things.

But goodness I have a stubborn ego, don't I?

Lean

Are you feeling this?

I am. Deeply. This resonates to the core of my being. I am literally vibrating with this.

Think about it - "...every ounce of trust in Him."

Naturally it brings to mind this classic Bible verse:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” proverbs 3:5

In this the writer (Proverbs is attributed to many writers; it is thought that the first 9 books are from King Solomon himself, King David's son) is telling us not to rely on our strength and knowledge, but to trust in the Lord. To let go of trusting earthly wealth, wisdom, and experience.

Once again, as humans this may be the toughest challenge in all the Bible. Which is the entire point of this Proverbs verse - indeed in our prayers themselves.

We come to this space & time constantly - pray to God, give over our worries and burdens to him, and trust that he has us. 

Then what happens - do we trust him?

Somewhere deep within us we know we can trust in God. Putting that trust into practice is something else again. Our egos will question it with every word.

Yet, at least for me, I do feel called right now to do exactly as King Solomon instructed - trust in God, lean on Him. And him alone.

God is always with us. I am leaning in - and feeling that deep, compassionate, loving presence all around me.

Lean into God. You'll feel him right there beside you. 

Hustle

In this our lives today - we hustle. We drive fast. We rush thru errands. We are pressured in our jobs to do more, faster, with less help or resources. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to push a river because it's not moving fast enough.

In the midst of the fury that is life it comes to me every so often...is this what God wants for us? A search of the Bible, of course, brings up a plethora of suggestions. This one really hit me:

To fulfill our purpose by the power of God's Spirit, and to live by faith and grow - romans 15:13 & philippians 2:13

Hmmm...

Why is it that we hustle anyway? I know society puts pressure on us to do more, be more, do all the things, be all the things. At the end of an average work day I get home barely able to crawl into my house. The energy I feel compelled to expend leaves me on an empty tank, with only a few hours to refill that tank before it starts all over again.

So why do I do it? Why do we do it? Sure, society puts this pressure on us. And it is our choice to accept the challenge.

What is our motivation? Certainly God doesn't want us to crawl into our homes at the end of day. What am I missing during the day? What are we missing?

It comes to me like a bolt of lightning - prayer. Pray during the day - seems so simple. Yet in the hustle of the day we have to carve out the time to do it. 

I'm not talking about finding a place to kneel in supplication and humility. I'm talking about taking a moment to quietly sit and say a small prayer. Thanking God for the blessing of:

• a good job
• health
• friends
• intelligence
• knowledge
• safety

The list could go on and on. A simple "God, thank you for my health today" and you've given a moment over to God. It's all he wants from us and for us.

To be closer to him. To talk with him. To reach out to him. Even in a moment that requires a "God, please help me get thru this" and he will be there.

He is always there. In every moment. Even when we don't acknowledge him or are barely aware of him.

How lovely it would be to stop the hustle - and take a mere minute to turn to God. Maybe after that the hustle won't feel so enervating, the hustle won't actually feel like - hustle.

Big...Huge

It is a blah day today. Outside and inside.

Outside it is hot, humid, and stormy. A grey day of clouds, rain, and an exceptional quiet. Broken only by the birdsong and claps of thunder.

Inside it is cool and comfortable, at least physically. Mentally I am a jumble of thoughts and worries. Which is something I struggle with daily - letting go of worries. Big or small, I chew over my worries like a dog with a bone.

Not a happy image for a human.

a.w. tozer

Indeed we do. Or as St. John said in his first book in the New Testament:

"The Lord is greater than whatever is ahead of you and will always guide you through"

...aka God is bigger than the giants we face.

And how true that is. God created it all - heavens, earth, and all in between. And when we consider just the "heavens" - well that encompasses a vast amount...doesn't it.

We all need a reminder from time to time that what we think of a worries - are mere trifles to God. And turning them over to him...makes them trifles to us.

The challenge, at least for me, is to not take them back. I am notorious for doing that - praying, giving it all up to God...then sneaking back under cover of my own darkness and hauling it all back like the baggage it is.

Overburdened. Overpacked. And I am over - it all.

It is time to let go - well & truly. To let God be the greater good that he is - he has the strongest shoulders in the universe (and beyond) and he can handle whatever puny things seem like Goliaths to me.

To think I can handle it - is laughable on any level. I can't, only God can. My ego doesn't allow me to let go at all. Because I continue to believe I have it in me to tough it out; that on some level I deserve this disquiet & discomfort.

God - doesn't want us to feel like this. His love for us is unconditional and nothing could persuade him to allow us to suffer unjustly. (And yes, that is the elephant in every Christian room - just why does a loving God allow us to suffer at all. I have attempted to cover this subject only twice - here.)

Returning to suffering and God. There is no easy answer of course. Perhaps we aren't supposed to find the answer. Perhaps we should do what we know to be true - surrender to God thru prayer. Let him sort out the details. Let him carry the burden.

Oddly it is all, the most omnipotent being of all time, wants from us. The greatest gift to all mankind - prayer & peace.

Personal Revival

Is God waiting for me?

Seems like a potentially arrogant question. After all, why would the most omnipotent being in all of any history - wait for me to do anything? Isn't it me who should be waiting on God - in prayer, petition, thanksgiving, and hope?

That is all true. And yet I feel that sometimes God does wait for me, for us.

• To forgive even when it feels impossible.
• Embrace a season of quiet with God.
• Let go of what I think my journey thru this life should look like.
• Allow God into my broken places.

A season of quiet with God - what does that look like? How long is that? If we listen for God enough, look for him in all that we see and do, inevitably he will tell us what that season is. 

Thru prayer we will see & hear God. Keeping our eyes wide open all the time - to see & hear him in everything, the sweetest birdsong, the prettiest flower, the hideous weed, the icky insect - is to find God present in our lives every second of the day.

Not every minute. Every single second. Even the words I am writing come straight from God. Because those 4 points above constitute a prayer I have been saying as often as possible, as the gift they are - given to me from a surprising source.

Indeed, that same source gifted me with another prayer, just for me. 

A Personal Revival from God. To acknowledge God's presence, make a plan for healing with only his guidance, and persevere in this plan in the quiet spaces with God.

When you open your mind to all of God's possibilities - even the ones that seem so improbable as to be nearly unbelievable - he delivers gift upon gift.

So go to that quiet place with God - and open your mind & heart to listen to his messages. For he indeed...waiting for us.