The Hole

Grief.

It is one of humanity's greatest burdens. In any kind of loss, grief seizes us and holds us fast. It can take many forms - the dreaded "process" - and like a roller coaster we suffer with anger, sadness, depression, shock, and finally - we pray - acceptance. The last of which leads to healing.

And it's not a linear journey, is it? For each of us it is unique and can go back-and-forth; round and round like a carousel with no way to get off.

It is a long process too. Pitfalls await us; they can appear so suddenly that we are at the bottom before we are even aware of what has happened.

Some say grief is the space we hold for the love we can no longer express outwardly. 

I'm not sure I buy into that. To me, grief is the hole left when someone leaves your circle. Depending on the person, the relationship, and the manner of departure, that hole can be a pinprick or a canyon. And healing that hole is part of that journey - no one talks about that part.

How do you heal a hole left when someone leaves you? And it's not just in death that they leave; they can leave in anger, hatred, blame.

When it's anger that prompts a permanent departure - how do you reconcile what you thought you knew with what they reveal about themselves in the manner of their leaving? 

And if we ask God where he was when this was happening to us - how do we open ourselves up to the lessons we could learn if we can navigate our way to acceptance?

I suppose, as Christians, we should take comfort in the many ways God reassures us with his word & promises throughout the Bible. The verse above - written by the ever brilliant, sometimes inscrutable apostle, St. Paul - is one that resonates with me deeply.

Also, this verse has brought me great comfort in years past:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" -psalm 34:18

Crushed in spirit - that is me. An old grief resurfaced today and revealed that the part I thought was healed, is not. In fact it will likely never heal over. The hole left behind is that canyon - so wide that when the grief comes in, I am flooded with it. It is a searing pain.

And a circumstance where the apology that should come ... won't ever be offered. I am, once again, navigating my way through my old nemesis - forgiveness - with no acknowledgement from the other person for the wrong.

And...grieving someone who is still alive.

I've grieved the dead and that is no easy thing. Grieving the living - I think it's harder. So much harder. 

They still pursue their interests, their passions; all the things we used to do together. And now - I am alone in those pursuits. The things that bound us together are in tatters. The warp &  weft of our lives is undone.

And years later, when that grief spikes my heart, it brings me back to the center of the departure.

Sudden. Quiet. Skulked away like a coward, a ghost, leaving nothing but pain & unanswered questions in their wake.

And so we are here, in this place. Springboarded back into it suddenly, with no warning signs. Just - BOOM - here we are.

And I'm starting to see it all a little differently. I'm noticing that I really have healed so much from this sad situation. The part of me that was stolen by her - leaving that gaping canyon for years - is the part of me that tolerated her cruelty and bullying over the 25+ years we knew each other. Maybe that hole shouldn't be filled in. Maybe I need to let my life grow in around it, make me stronger, braver.

Because I know now that I would never tolerate that again, from anyone.

My perspective has shifted over the past couple of years and I accept this truth:

The peace I feel without her in my life is  worth being the villain in her story.

My experiences today - with all this popping up unexpectedly - are showing me an area of grief I still need to heal. And instead of fighting it - cuz grief really is so messy - I'm leaning into it and letting God take over for me.

He promises that peace that passes all understanding. And I'm feeling today that maybe that peace is within my grasp. All I have to do is let God in.

Don't we all need to do that?

Sneaking

I've spoken about this before. 

This is what I call sneaking back to the foot of the cross to take back the baggage we once left in that place.

Of course our human egos won't leave things alone. We think we can do better - than God?

Really?

There are so many mentions in the Bible about God being our strength, our salvation. Here are just two:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you" - the prophet isaiah, 41:10

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" - 2nd book of timothy, 1:7 

Everytime we pray we are asking God to renew his promises to us. And what do we do in return?

Slink, nay, skulk around behind his back and take up our crosses over and over again.

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." - psalm 59:16

Do we respond like the Psalmist when we feel like we are in over our heads? And whose fault is that exactly?

Ours because we can't leave well enough in God's hands.

This is, to me, the eternal - and sometimes impossible - struggle between our egos and God's love.

I am in the midst of this struggle right now - and I know I would prefer God's love to my own inadequate considerations.

It all feels like some spiritual warfare is going on within me.

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..." - 2 corinthians 10:3-5 (underlined emphasis mine)

There it is. The thing we should trust above all else. The thing that satan can't possibly achieve victory over.

Our weapon in this fight is the armor of God.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." -ephesians 6:13

It is God's love for us, his ceaseless desire to draw us closer to him, his greater strength in the face of evil. It is in these times of struggle against what we know to be true - that we must turn our faces to God.

Literally - raise your face upwards to the sky and allow his armor to envelope you like a second skin.

Covering you without any seams, without any gaps. Let God fill in the spaces of our hearts & souls so we can leave that baggage at the foot of the cross.

And walk confidently on the path of light that leads to God.

Feels like a circle doesn't it. A circle of life with God as our leader.

Circles

Here is a gorgeous morning prayer to start your days:

Dear God,

Thank you for granting me a new day.

Please forgive my mistakes and calm my mind.

Keep me safe today and fill my heart with peace.

May this day bring new joy and opportunities.

God, I love you.

Amen.

Oh yes indeed. This one hits - deep.

Talk about peaceful - one of the naves of the Hallgrimskirkja Cathedral in Iceland.

The safety part - that is a critical part of every day for me. I didn't feel safe, in general, for much of my life. In every way possible - physical, emotional, mind, heart, soul. Once I turned back to God - and every time I increase my prayer life - safety is the peace I feel.

Because to me - safety & peace are the same thing. To feel one is to feel the other.

Prayer always calms my mind. It almost feels redundant to pray and ask for calm. Yet - the calmness that descends when we pray does bring more calm to every area of our lives.

Funny how that works. God wants us to be close to him. The most everlasting peace we can hope for comes from him.

So praying - brings peace & calm to us for those moments. When we center our thoughts on God and let everything else fall away.

And the results of the prayer - bring more peace & calm.

What a lovely, never-ending circle of life.

Memories

LOVE

GOD is all about love. Throughout the Old Testament God speaks of his love for his people and his desire to hold them close to himself.  When establishing laws for them to follow, God speaks of love many times, most notably in Deuteronomy, 6:5:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

And in Leviticus 19:18:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

In the New Testament he continues with the same message through his son, Our Savior, Jesus Christ. In fact in the Gospels, Jesus quotes the 2 verses above when tested by the Scribes & Pharisees about which laws are the most important.

Love - is the most important.

And here is another verse, in the New Testament, that speaks of love. Boy oh boy is it a doozy.

This is an area I struggle with all the time. So much wrong was done to me in my childhood. Those wrongs - traumas - shaped who I am today. For good or ill. As I navigate my way through the recovery from all that trauma I find myself keeping records in my head.

All those traumas, dealt to me by the very people who should have protected me from any and all trauma. How do I not keep track?

I am aware that embedded in that verse above from 1 Corinthians is the difficult act of forgiveness.

Jesus deals us one whopper of a challenge, through the Apostle Peter:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'. -matthew 18:21-22

Now you and I can do the math (so could Saint Peter). That's 490 times to forgive one person for one wrong against us. Sounds like so much and I'm pretty sure that Jesus didn't expect us to keep count of the times we forgive that one person that one wrong.

I am also pretty sure what he meant was to continue to forgive as long as it takes for you to stop keeping track of the wrong itself.

And that is certainly my achilles heel; I'm certain it's yours as well. Our human egos don't make forgiveness an easy act.

In fact for me it's damned near impossible.

Now I am of the opinion that forgiveness is for myself and not for the person who is forgiven. The former should release me from the burden & pain. The latter would lead to reconciliation - and at least for me, that's not happening.

The tradition at this time of year is to set some goals - resolutions, if you prefer. So I set the first one for 2025:

'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'

With God's help, through daily prayer, I will get there if only to release myself from keeping track.

Amen.