On Forgiveness

All of life is a process of some kind. From the simple process of getting a driver's license to the challenges you face while grieving. The spectrum is wide, deep, and long. 

The process of forgiveness - is all those things and more. I have grieved people who have died. And I find the ability to forgive to be far more difficult than grieving.

I am in a season of my life where forgiving people is paramount to my ability to move forward. I have so much anger against these people - and rightfully so. And yet I am holding onto that anger, thinking it keeps me safe.

And all it does is hold me hostage to those people. And trust me - what they have done is truly unforgivable.

Yet...here I am. In a deep dark hole of anger & rage. It has become something larger than myself and it is holding me back from some deep personal healing and growth.

So I am doing research on forgiveness, thru the lens of a Christian. We all know that, as Christians, it is our duty & obligation to forgive others as God has forgiven us.

In the Bible, the Greek word “forgiveness” literally means “to let go”. Holding on to my anger is definitely not letting go of anything at all.

The Bible tells us this is very clear terms:

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” -Matthew 6:14

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." - Hebrews 8:12

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” - Colossians 3:13

There are more but you get the idea.

If I don't find my way to forgiveness God will deny me entry into the Kingdom, into Heaven itself.

Yeah - this is pretty serious for a Christian.

If I am to live my life in a Christian way, then I must find the path to forgive people who really don't deserve it. Add in the fact that I will only be doing this for myself; there is no way for me to actually approach them and offer them my forgiveness. And I know their response would be rejection - yet that is not the Christian point, now is it.

I feel like I'm walking a fine line here. I'm supposed to actually forgive them - one of them is dead. And the other I haven't seen or spoken to in over 15 years. For all I know, she may well be dead too. 

Plus I have no wish to be in that presence again. To welcome that toxicity & violence into my life again. It really is she who should be asking me for forgiveness. And therein lies another conundrum for me - even if she did ask me, would I be able to forgive her for the unforgivable?

Daunting...is the word that comes to mind.

And then in my research this morning I found this:

The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since “...it keeps no record of wrongs...” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Forgiving others means letting go of resentment and giving up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered. from LAChristianCounseling website

And further, this gem appeared like the gift from God that it clearly is:

"If you've given up the right to get even with your offender, that's forgiveness. If your loss still hurts, that's normal anger that will exist as long as you feel the loss. As you come to accept the loss and move on with your life, the anger will slowly dissipate." from KerriCoaching, a Christian life-coaching website

This one reminded me that I did pray for all of them at the Easter Vigil this year. I felt called, by God, to do that. And as much as I resisted I couldn't ignore that clear call for prayer. I had forgotten about this until today.

I have a long road ahead of me to reach this state of forgiveness, this state of letting go. Of not feeling the pain of decades of torment & abuse. God is listening to me (as he always does, even if we aren't fully aware) and is already granting me visions & very clear messages.

The key to all this is - to pay attention to what God wants me to know. I already know the work he wants me to do here is coming to forgiveness.

This is my soul's purpose right now. My one goal in life. Because if I don't come to a state of forgiveness, I fear I will be trapped as a hostage to these people - and that is the last thing I want to do with the rest of my life.

Survival

Life - can be cruel & challenging one moment and blissful & blessed the next.

The key to survival is to embrace the latter as the gift from God that it is. And accept that  deliverance from the former is only thru ... yup, prayer.

Think of prayer as a flower - it rises from beneath the surface of the soil, warmed by the sun, nourished by the rains, growing stronger with each passing day. It's entire environment is what gives it life - the good and the bad. Winds may batter its seemingly fragile stock yet - it survives.

Yes it's life is brief in the grand scheme of things. But that life is steady, strong, and beautiful. It blooms in glorious colors, endless varieties of petals, shapes, and sizes.

Just like our own prayers and our own lives. In the scope of God's existence we are but a mere blip, barely a blink. Yet his love for us nourishes and protects us. We are sustained thru the enormity of God's enduring presence in our lives.

And all we have to do - is pray. The simplest prayer is heard; there really is no need for flowery language, philosophical discussions, or endless talking. And while those actions feed us - the freedom to say what we need to in the way that helps us, maybe, make sense of things. In the end though - God just wants us to turn to him and say "God, thank you" or "God, please help me" or "God, I love you."

I have just survived the biggest annual week of my professional career. A two-day conference for nearly 500 people. I do all the behind-the-scenes planning and execution. It is a harrowing few months leading up to the conference, and the two days are just beyond description. In years past my "survival" was down to my own grit and drive. This year, moreso than any other, I relied on prayer (plus grit & drive) to get thru it all. And while the stress was on par with the past, my response to that stress was calm.

Because I knew that God was beside me every step of the way. This weekend I rest - and I do so with a serenity that can only come from God's love for me.

For we are never alone.